Why did you want to hurt me again
Why do you want to twist that knife in
Your words cut worse than any knife
And I'm the reason for your strife

I swear I did the best I could
I thought I was proticting you like I should
I'm sorry I didn't know
But I'd ask you everytime you would go
But your answer was always no

But I know little kids can be frightened
And I'm sure that noose he tightened
And I don't blame you for hating me
For I am mom you see
I was supposed to protect you from the monsters
But I didn't know it would be my secound step father

I didn't know my mom would marry a another one like the first
This nightmare was the worst
I just wish you could see
I tried my very best to be
The mother you could always depend on
But now your gone

You hate me for what was done
But I want you to know if I'd had a gun
He could of never hurt anyone
And tho you hate me I'll love you always
I'm mom and I'm to blame anyways

The jingle of keys makes my skin crawl
I could always hear them as he came down the hall
I knew my bedroom door he would breach
I knew soon it was me he would besiege
These are my early childhood memories
Now you know what started my disease
And why my blood runs cold and I freeze
When I hear the jingle of keys

I need you.

These words are true,

but it's hard for me to put them in a sentence.

I can't say them out loud because that would mean that I depend on you.

I want to get to know you.

But I forget that I can't get close to someone who's never there.

I wish I could go to ball games with you.

I wish I could have looked out into the audience in the middle

of a recital and see your face in the crowd.

I wish I could see the same look on your face that they do.

You always look so proud when you talk to them, talk about them

and even when you look at them.

Especially when you talk about the one that got away.

You praise her. Even after everything that's happened you're still proud of her.

I wish I had that.

I wish I could see that radiating smile of yours and know that it's for me too.

For something that I've done that you were so unbelievably proud of.

I know I'm not yours, not really.

I know that you're trying your best. I understand that it's not easy with three kids in the house.

I also know that it's harder because I'm older than she was when you first got her,

and I'm older than the kids are now.

I try to make you proud, I really do.

I study for every test and hand in every homework assignment.

I await the scores so I can run home and tell you what they are.

After telling you the news you always have the same stern look on your face.

I feel as if I'm never good enough.

I even got a job and am trying to learn the value of money.

I try to be smart. Sometimes you say I'm not,

and just to prove you wrong I try to impress you by telling you useless facts.

But it still doesn't seem to be good enough.

Is it because I'm too boring, too loud, too girly, too lazy, or because I spend too much time on tumblr?

Is it because I don't look like the rest of you?

Is it because... I'm nothing like she was?

I know that she was your baby girl.

I know that you'll always hold a special place for her in your heart.

But I was second. Doesn't that count for something?

Maybe you actually are proud of me.

Maybe I'm just over analyzing this like I do everything else.

Maybe...

Just maybe.

But I've still never seen it.

I've never seen that radiating smile that they've all seen...

Oh how I'd **** to see it.

Thunder collapsed upon me, lightening did
Strike upon my flesh, scaring the tissue black
Scorched pain as like a pool of fear quivering
At each strike upon ones self.

The rain fell, unlike a monsoon of emotion
Did these tear burn from pools once pure
But now tainted with vines of red, feeding
One the vision seen now blood red.

Tears were cupped so neither evidence of
Fallen emotion was seen, I drank upon my
Sorrow what had fallen evaporated towards
The mind of hate, like a storm building strength.

So the voice did break forth like a dam of emotion,
Courage, hesitant moments before the whispers
Of wind were heard then like a tornado of truth
Breaking your torment, then like the breeze you
Were scattered far and wide, never to hurt me again.

it's hard for me to realize you're actually gone.
you died 3 months and 2 days ago, but it still feels surreal.
why am I here and you're not?
gladly I would trade places with you.
at times like these, I feel a weight on me.
it's pressing down on me, my hands are heavy, I can't open my mouth, I'm completely stuck.
I repress the memory of death and live as if you're still here,
but then the time comes when I want to call you
want to tell about my day
want to tell you how my junior year is going
I want to show you my homecoming dress
I want to tell you about the girl I love
tell you how great my grades are
but I can't.
you're gone and I can't bring you back
but I don't know when I'll finally accept that.