I need you.

These words are true,

but it's hard for me to put them in a sentence.

I can't say them out loud because that would mean that I depend on you.

I want to get to know you.

But I forget that I can't get close to someone who's never there.

I wish I could go to ball games with you.

I wish I could have looked out into the audience in the middle

of a recital and see your face in the crowd.

I wish I could see the same look on your face that they do.

You always look so proud when you talk to them, talk about them

and even when you look at them.

Especially when you talk about the one that got away.

You praise her. Even after everything that's happened you're still proud of her.

I wish I had that.

I wish I could see that radiating smile of yours and know that it's for me too.

For something that I've done that you were so unbelievably proud of.

I know I'm not yours, not really.

I know that you're trying your best. I understand that it's not easy with three kids in the house.

I also know that it's harder because I'm older than she was when you first got her,

and I'm older than the kids are now.

I try to make you proud, I really do.

I study for every test and hand in every homework assignment.

I await the scores so I can run home and tell you what they are.

After telling you the news you always have the same stern look on your face.

I feel as if I'm never good enough.

I even got a job and am trying to learn the value of money.

I try to be smart. Sometimes you say I'm not,

and just to prove you wrong I try to impress you by telling you useless facts.

But it still doesn't seem to be good enough.

Is it because I'm too boring, too loud, too girly, too lazy, or because I spend too much time on tumblr?

Is it because I don't look like the rest of you?

Is it because... I'm nothing like she was?

I know that she was your baby girl.

I know that you'll always hold a special place for her in your heart.

But I was second. Doesn't that count for something?

Maybe you actually are proud of me.

Maybe I'm just over analyzing this like I do everything else.

Maybe...

Just maybe.

But I've still never seen it.

I've never seen that radiating smile that they've all seen...

Oh how I'd **** to see it.