For 274 days I have been sober
throughout those days
zero painkillers have touched my tongue
but every so often I would have my urges
but I’ll continue to resist them until I perish
on the first day of being clean
I failed
and relapsed over and over again
I couldn’t stop myself
the idea of my brain shutting off
was my mission to complete
I’ll take them in my room
with the door locked shut
and take them in the school bathrooms when I know that no one was in the stalls
it was a time loop that never ends
never stops
but always repeats
until that changed eventually
on one of the days my counselor found out
then my mom found out
and then a hospital found out
those days felt miserable
questions were thrown at me
from different faces with same expressions
and all I could do was mumble my words
trying to hold my tears as I tilt my head to the ground in shame
after the “visit” I made a oath to myself
that’ll I’ll become sober
it’s been 9 months for me now
I don’t have these urges anymore
but I still had second thoughts
on random nights
I’ll look up at my ceiling
fantasizing about taking the whole bottle
and putting myself at rest
letting my body become numb
while my mind roams free
until that feeling fades away slowly
now I look up at my future
knowing I have gotten this far now
I won’t let myself go into another time loop
that never stops
never ends
I promise

I touched that feeling
...sleeping
...dreaming
I am not sober anymore

I woke up in shadows,
The bottle beside me
Chasing the ghosts of what used to be me
Thought I found love in the haze of the night
But all that it brought was the cold empty fight
I rose from the ashes
Rebuilt my own way
No longer a puppet
Im learning to play
I’m standing alone
In the light of my truth
No longer a prisoner of dark wasted youth
With every step forward I’m more than alright
The love that I lost led me back to the light
Memories haunt me like smoke in the air
The laughter the love it’s simply not there
But I found a new strength in my solitude
Embracing the calm, I’m cleansing the rude
In the silence my heart found a song
A melody whispers
“You’re where you belong”
Im standing alone
In the light of my truth
No longer a prisoner of a dark wasted youth
With every step forward I’m more than alright
The love that I lost lead me back to the light
So here’s to the journey
To healing and grace
I found my own home in this damaged space

A hunger that grows
though it hasn’t been fed for six months running
Taking up residence in my mind
God, its force is so succumbing

The way it makes my head buzz and pound
Its roots surely firm in my brain by now
I feel its calls in intervals of time
I should’ve never gone down this route