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always anxious Jun 2015
At least you're recovering they said
"At least you're better now"

Well.. If i'm better now.
Why do i write the same ****** poems as i did last year?
And why are they exactly tas depressing as the old ones?
Why do i wait for tears that won't roll?
And why do i listen to my playlist, that's filled with depressing songs about suicide?
And why do i weigh the same as i did a year ago?
Why do i think about razor blades and matches?

I'm not better now.
Actually i'm worse than before.
The only thing i'm good at is having nervous breakdowns and hurting myself.
But i keep lying to make you feel good, cause it makes you happy to know that i'm "better now"
always anxious Jun 2015
Everyone thinks i recovered months ago, that i'm so so happy and have no problems.

Cause i'm the girl watching mlp, and listening to songs about smiling and laughing.

But what they don't know is that at home i listen to songs about depression and eating disorders .

I no longer cut, cause i haven't felt the need to for a while, and i no longer starve, i just forget it sometimes.

Sometimes i forget that i'm recovering.
And i simply don't think about eating.
Or about singing the smile song when my friends are sad.

It's like i'm pinkie pie, sometimes i'm happy, but sometimes i also forget that i'm a party pony

I try to look my best, and people can't tell how sad i get every now and then.
Cause i try.. I really do..
always anxious Apr 2015
I don't care about fun
I don't care about clever
I don't care about social
I don't care about weather

forget about guns
I'm not a sinner
Leave me alone
As long as i'm getting thinner
always anxious Apr 2015
i knew this girl
everyone was happy when she was born.
she had the most beautiful face

i knew this girl
she was three years old no care in the world
scarlet lips, and deep brown eyes
she had just gotten her glasses she was so proud

i knew this girl
she was six years old excited to grow up
pigtails, smarter than the other kids

i knew this girl
9 years old oldest in her grade
she already has acne the other kids pick on her but she could stand it

i knew this girl  
12 years old she thought she was fat
her acne was worse, she was coovered in blemishes.
she didn't want her glasses anymore.
she was an outcast, all the other kids just ignored her

i knew this girl
13 years old wounds all up her arms and legs
she has stopped eating her weight dropping to 100lbs

i knew this girl
14 years old she took off her glasses and put on darker clothes
she blends into the crowd
her arms and legs are covered with scars.
her weight is down to 75 lbs

i know this girl
15 years old.
fighting to recover, having relapses all the time
drinking, ******* around, fasting, then overeating.
her weight is back up to 94 but why should she keep it there?

i might get to know this girl
20 years old living a happy life
scars on her arms, but they're all faded by now.
her hands shake when she eats.
But this is only if she fights to get better.
if not she will never live to see this age.
always anxious Apr 2015
last year
i promised myself that i would never be sad anymore.
but boy did i break that promise
i sunk back into anorexia
i relapsed to selfharm
i became suicidal
but once again i promised myself to be happy.
but everytime relapses came faster
and they were a lot stronger
last week i made the same promise.
and here i am in my bed
writing the same suicide notes over and over again
happiness just isn't for me
My hands trembled,
looking at
how bleak my world seemed.

I looked down to see
a red line,
running down my arm.

Closing my eyes,
swallowing the same pills
for what i hoped was the last time.

My hope of eternal sleep,
eroding as i awoke
dizzy and empty of all things.

Maybe i killed her,
or maybe
I killed me.
I could've sworn you knew
When I met you, that day
Fidgeting with my sleeves
Arms scarred, a battlefield
Tears unshed for which I bled
Crimson, ounces I swear
So many words unsaid
Yet you still, left me alone
Nothing but much less
A crumbled heap, torn petals
Not worth an ounce of taffy
Still I needed you with me
Or at least whats left, my ashes
My soul, written on my epitaphy
The choice to cut is a signal .
I am trying no more ,
Taking a break from doing my best .

There are reasons why one would do it .

To ease the tension ;
Express emotional pain ;
To punish the body for its history ,
Or alleviate inner rage .

To express shame ;
To provide biochemical relief .
**** every person who ever said "don't romanticize self harm"

**** every person who just stared and never asked how I was

And **** those friends who never helped, who never even cared to bring it up when I gave myself stitches in their ******* bathrooms.

There is nothing romantic about the slashing of your own flesh. There is NOTHING beautiful about the change of skin tone on my legs from scar upon scar. There is nothing romantic about self harm but the love of my life can touch my scars and I can ******* undress for once without hiding.

She can graze and stare and one day she kissed.
She kissed and she kissed and she ******* kissed until my eyes burned and I was shattered. She ******* broke my ribs when she touched them and punctured my lungs when her lips plunged into my valleys of pink and purple and I wanted nothing more than my scars kissed.
I wanted nothing more than to be ******* loved and my pain to be ******* recognized and romanticized until I couldn't feel it anymore.

So **** those who said don't romanticize self harm.

Because I am scared and weak and sad and I want to be swooned and coddled and treated like the wounded bird I am. My wings were clipped with my own hands and she desperately tries to heal them with every ******* kiss.

And I can feel the bones form and the feathers grow

I was a ******* crow and she made me a dove.
always anxious Mar 2015
you know one of those days
where everything you do seems to be wrong.
where people bug you.
even more than usual.
one of those days
where your favorite candy, is right next to you
but you don't even feel like taking one bite
where you want to do everything
but don't even have the courage to write a good poem?
and you just end up writing something like this.. i hate those days.
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