Everyday I smile,
As cheerful as can be.
The colors around are
Bright and sweet,
The faces kind and friendly.

Hahaha.
That's fake.
That's a lie.
If we read each other's minds,
We'd all have to die.

The faces at school are
Laughing,
Mocking,
Never, ever changing.
Hope is a ridiculous abstraction.

Bully,
No matter what you say,
No matter what you do,
There is nothing in the world that will
Make me respect you.

Leave me alone, classroom demon.
What have you to gain?
Let me be in peace.
Instead you must pick on me?
Tell me why's that, please.

Still, on my walk home,
Are busy people walking;
Sociable people talking,
They seem to have forgotten me
In those roles of faking and lying!

Why do I wait? Why do I do nothing?
No matter how hard I fight,
My life still stays the same.
With this dull and meaningless life,
I might as well put an end to it, right?

I am so alone.

Wounded.  Staring at the gaping hole - shock.
This was not supposed to be that fight, those rounds - from where?

Laughter I hear, carefree cackles of one who never knew
Responsibility, dues and costs, penalties dear.  For whim to be entertained
not wise enough to realize entertained is enslaved.

I hear voices calling my name, telling me to hold on, this wasn't my fault
It was - is.  I chose to think myself wiser, trusting my judgement
Foolish. Now, dying.

I can feel my heartbeat increasing.  I know, less to move it must go faster
thermodynamics even in death must be satisfied.  Why in life we are not all bound by such an equalizer - I'll now never know.

I had a foot, legs - no longer felt yet there. Toes protruding from worn sock. 
All I feel is the burning of the phosphor.

She laughs still, thinking in life her vict'ry but nay, her laughter betrays her
Uncertain, alone, thinking she is in control when truth revealing, 
She controls nothing.

Take what you will and can little idiot. Foolish jester of the court of your own mind.
Be certain in your own supremacy for therein your demise.
And, I smile knowing that if is I who'll laugh at last. As into final slumber I slip
A caress from my Princess, my blade ****** deep into the enemy
And I sleep. No more voices, no laughter, yet I see the amazement

Faces before contorted in mocking humiliation, now stare in disbelief

Reality has hit.
Death alone liberates but man's soul, Christ, his spirit takes.

At last I kneel before my Princess, her hand upon worn pommel upon mine,
Fuller stain'd with the conquered blood, point to foible worn dull from the slash
Her hand brushes the scarred worn face

Eye to eye, though still on my knee I sleep - and breathe my last 
        Her kiss upon my lips unto eternal sleep until called forth again I rise
            To raise my sword again and ****** against the horde unleashed as blood cold
        Runs like river deep in Spring thaw o'erflowing banks from a far land 
laughter cackling on the shore and my curse endure again bared

Poor lost and wicked child.
Your victory my death
My death, your defeat.

For I shall live on forever and your dreams haunt as surely as if I were there
E'en though you deny it

My Princess stands protected again, with raised sword and shield, enveloped by my wing
My breath from her I draw - sweet like honey's kiss - and I sleep in eternal bliss.

Come here, I miss you, radiant one
with heart the size of Zeus's raging storm.
There is a song circling your irises,
traversing immense emotion,
filled from indigo depths of an ocean's mirror
and poured over the searing rim of the strongest volcano.
Such power fuels painful wars,
but you won each battle with bleeding fists.
And I cannot wash your hands
because mine are covered too.

Come here, I miss you, magnificent one,
fierce and clever: protector of all.
Now, you have fire in your sight,
lava on your tongue, and embers in your belly.
But the brazen flames I love, those livening your whole,
you tell me they flare from your fingerprints,
and then you are burnt.
And I cannot douse the embers
because I choke myself on the ashes.

Come here, I miss you, beautiful one,
such pain among the four of you.
With soft eyes sweet and wide as fawns,
such youthful play within your soul.
Creativity and intellect course through your veins,
yet you carry the weight of three
almost strung up by the neck.
And I cannot coax them down
because I am one of them.

My friends have always been there for me.
They support me through so much.
But I? I feel completely helpless
whenever I try to be the shoulder
instead of the tears.

i scream but no one hears
i move but no one looks
i cut but no one cares
im sad but no one seemed to notice
i cried but no one wiped the tears away
now im dead and everyone says they tried to help as they lay the roses on my grave

When I fingered the thin skin on my left, vein-bulging limb
Where the forearm adheres to the costly little hand
I realized in all my intense ardor for pain
That there in my penitence, self-pity, self-loathe
I am a narcissist.
Laden with self-obsessed sorrow
There is a selfishness in being a dreary,
To feel for oneself,
When others care too much
An aggregation of sympathizing sobs and tears
Too much for an egoist
Who would rather wallow alone
In the orange-tinted hue of twilight turned nightfall
A ray of the luster in all subtle shades,
Can I summon the force to recall
Why I hate myself
Is it not that all despise me for a purpose?
And those who are inept at reasonable loathe
Are marooned in deep shame
That they had degraded themselves for what?
For a felon? Such as myself?
Deep in such sorrow,
Deep in my self-loathe
I have encountered the truth of all fruitless self-regard
I am a narcissist, egoist, one who self-loathes
Who slashes and severs and cannot speak love

quite some time ago
i wrote and wrote and wrote
it's the only way i'd let the true ache show
i let it spill vapidly across the page
releasing my teenage demons from their cage

i stopped caring for words when the drugs took over
the daily project to not be sober
no more worries and riddled with lies
like ophelia drowning obliviously
no longer caring what lives and who dies

now ten years later, let's try this again
back to my soul, find out who i am
maybe i still exist
somewhere deep down
a sliver, a sparkle, or gleam
maybe just some whisper of sound

this is my journey
to write my life into new
scribble out this disease
and abandon it too
after all, i'm everything my life can be
my world can't exist if there is no me

it's simple, really:
don't worry about what is ******
then, and only then, will you not self-destruct

life is a process
and sometimes a cause
can never be known

I have experienced in my heart
that some knowing goes deeper than my intellect

I know with my heart-mind that I am loved,
and it's given me hope to be free of self-hate and self-harm,
and for that I am grateful