Can there just be one year?
One where I’m choking
Where I can’t feel the weight
Drag me under to the bottom,
Where I finally learn the trick;
How to escape?

Connected but disjointed
Fragments recollected
But the puzzle is warped
And the pieces I wished fit
No longer serves the purpose -
Obfuscated and murky,
These memories play back in cycles
Cyclones twisting me into a maelstrom
I’m begging to drown or fly far from here.


I shed a tear,
It cannot salve your putrescence
I am engraved upon the grave
And left with the debt of your shame,
My body aches in the baleful way you touched
And disgraced fragile innocence.
Molding the muck into this husk;
What I’ve become is a product
Of your golem making.

Another year,
And your grip is ever strong,
A bear trap to keep me snared
As tenebrous clouds pour their blackness
Until I am lost in the umbral shroud
Caught in the spiteful lachrymal rains
Blighted to walk in cimmerian eras
Your dynasty is misery and I am miserable
Your Achilles aim was true -
Blade cutting to the quick of truth
Fill my wounds with lies,
And burn me upon the pyre.

Let me go,
You charlatan,
Wasteful specter!

Let me go,
Chiding hallow haunter -
I won’t let you pace my floorboards
In hopes you will let me sleep in peace,
**** me now, or release me from this curse.

Surviving is worse than dying.
And your image in my mirror
Taunts me with every passing morning
As the years traverse,
I am further distancing from the lineage
In hopes you will let me go…

w h o r e
     what a life
shamed for the hands I never wanted upon myself
scorned for the advantage he took
the advantage he took because I was broken
too broken to refuse
voice drowned out

because he's all I ever had

“What’s the harm?” they whisper,
“What’s the problem
in being everyone’s fantasy?”
“In having all of your friends
find your flesh attractive?”
“Having the pretty privilege
morph into the entitlement of others?”

As they claim my skin
and caress my bones.
Peeling pieces of my body
and making themselves at home.

Consent is implied
within the lines
of whatever bond we hold.
Friends, family, lovers.
What’s the harm in giving them
what they want,
what they demand they need.
In watching them eat you up
With a never ending greed.

“But you’re my fantasy”
as if I’m obligated
to the impressions of me
you’ve shoved down my throat.
Until I’m choking and sobbing
pleading you to relinquish your hold.

Your eyes leave imprints and bruises
as you salivate over a body
I don’t even see.
It was only 3rd grade.
Again, when merely rending
the damaged goods of a teen.
By the time I was an adult
it was the only way I was seen.

But age matters not,
when you were never perceived
as a human being,
simply a desire
for others to devour.

“What’s the harm in being a *** dream?”
They scream “we’re all friends here”
as they render my sobriety to shreds
Only to tell me that it’s all in my head.

Society taught me to turn a blind eye,
“what’s the harm?” It said with a sigh.
They drugged me with ignorance,
refuting my plea.

A passing inconvenience for you
Born of my own naïveté,
is a trauma memory
that I can never undo.

There isn’t a piece of me
you’ve not seen,
nothing left of myself
to discover.
You’ve rendered my own exploration
into nothing more than a detour.

You’ve taken every first
I could have claimed
and thought to beat a dog
was the equivalent of making it tame. 
So now I’m sobbing into a void
wondering why I was ever
a thing that you could destroy?

I hate your touch
I hate your words
I hate your hands
I hate your chords

The music was blinding
I hated that too
The passion was frightening
I hated that you

Tried taking advantage
Of naivety
I hated it
Hated that

Your touch scares me
Your words scare me
Your hands scare me
Your chords scare me

I hate your face
I hate your mouth
I hate your stance
I hate your sound

The music was crying
I hated that too
The passion was dying
I hated that you

Tried laying blame on
My comfortability
I hated it
Hated that

Your face scares me
Your mouth scares me
Your stance scares me
Your sound scares me

I’m scared of all
You say and do
I’m scared of you
And I hate your you.

You’re such a greedy lover when
You’re lovin her
Holdin her down
Stealin her crown
And power
Deflowerin every flower
When you devour
From your tower
And hour after
Hour after
Hour after
While you cower and
Cower and
Cower and

You’re showerin her with kisses
After missin her
Hidin away
Sayin you can’t stay
And pray
‘Bout preyin on every prey
That you lay
Without a place
Out of place out of
Leaving without a trace a
Trace a
Trace a
Of your face
In her space

You’re a disgrace for tryin be
Graceful
It’s distasteful
You say you gotta face full
of “empathy”
Say you have “emotional telepathy”
Work with me
Can’t you see?
Hour after
Hour after
Hour glasses
Are what you need
She’s not free
From your greed
And
You’re a greedy lover when
You’re lovin her

It isn’t fair anymore
You get the fun of wanting to be alive
You get the pleasure of living
You’re not trapped
Why do you get that right?
Why wasn’t I allowed that too?
Did I do something wrong?
I was just a baby
I want to do something to make it up
Something to show I deserve it just like you
It just isn’t fair anymore
You get that joy of not being stuck
I can’t see
It’s too dark
Explain to me how that’s fair
Why does everyone get that but me
The food passes by
But what’s the point
Why do I need to prove myself?
Show how much I need this
I don’t want anything
It’s a right
Not a privilege
Can I stay with you?
There’s enough room for me too
I’m tired
When I sleep it’s okay
But I can’t sleep all the time

The feelings are all too familiar
Rough couches
Brown so bright it’s orange
So cold it burns
So soft it cuts my skin
I can’t recognize it
The feelings are all too familiar