Happy 21st birthday

I remember the date of yours every time
And I know it’s not today
Makes it kind of funny
Since you never remember mine
And it’s not today either, don’t worry

I dream about you every so often,
My beautiful birthday queen,
The beauty standard who I hold myself to,
Skinny but imperfect

In my dreams, I feel your hands on my neck
Sometimes a wedding veil or silken glove,
Strangulate me too
Choking me, you’re choking me, I can’t breathe
I can’t breathe around you living either
You throttle me with…. with… with…

Anyways, I hope nothing but the best for you,
You, insufferable *****, you,
I have never felt lonelier than when I stood beside you,
My high school bestie whom I love to bits and pieces,

But happy birthday
You deserve nothing but the best
From me and from everyone else
On this day you have to share with your sister
And a bazillion other people, too
You deserve Vanilla cakes
(Because I know you don’t like chocolate)
And silver rings and beautiful diamond things
(Silver because I know it looks better on you)
A kiss from your smoking hot boyfriend
(The one I’ll no doubt have a crush on *** laude)

And, of course, sincere congratulations from me
Your high school best friend
The girl you left behind
So that you could mack on boys
And had someone to pick up your slack
But in your absence, behind your back,
I became someone new
New and still a little – a lot – naïve
But someone wise enough to know better
Than to tell you *******
On a glittery, twenty-first birthday card

P.S. I hope you like the flowers
And that your real card finds you well
And the fifty dollar note I left for you
In the envelope, an embrace, I never want to give you

Stagnant and thinking

Confused and blinking

Age draws on

Yet still a pawn

Standard and simple

Dull and wimple

Wrapped in indifference

Trapped warm desire

In need of deliverance

If I come un-strewn

May I be blessed in womb

Re-birthed and open

More accepting and woken

New insight could dislodge this anchor

Only I can treat my own lamer

Once in motion

Loneliness is in emaciation

Finding friends in exploration

Finding one for intimacy

Not based on elegancy

Venerate character

Each must love the other entire

Both exchanging devotion and tenderness

Only full of equality, truth, and openness

Nurture platonic love, beautiful and scarce

Defend it like a dove, only vicious and fierce

A private memory shared with one close
closed bubble within my bubble,
on a San Diego winter day,
it came to pass
cacophony's child, noise,

beginner guitar and vocal solo loud as lungs allow,
making dischords and missed beats feel
like, demons
sc'reaching into fretful, jobless Dad's brain

Stop, please! Tic, that was it- the point-end
track switch…

he was cut to the core, a full on ogre
as father
wound, through the heart

in tears of rage, he said,
I was worshipping…

said the child, and
he had been

adding
worth, with his whole little fist sized heart,

Dad had been working, in service of some other god,
slowly going mad.

Platonic Friendships
Best friends until death do us part
Photographs and reactions
My anxiety starts
Does she like that sweater you got her?
Is it the one you got me?
I know I probably sound crazy to you
But this is making sense to me
A quick photo of you guys
Not just you two but three
But the only guy in that
Photo and you’re standing next to Na-
No I’m not jealous of her
Because I really can’t be
But seeing you happy with
Another girl can’t help but **** me
I know you won’t kiss or hold
Another body the way you do mine
But the conversations we have
The places we go, do you share that stuff? Don’t lie
I grow with bitterness And the flowers I had
Die in an instant and I grow so mad
Because I took the time to mend myself
And make sure I never spoil this
And when I finally explode
We talk until we don’t know
And it ends up being a problem dismissed
Sometimes I grow angry
But tell myself im fine
I mentally yell
Can she find a boyfriend and
Stop hanging out with mine
Platonic friendships
What a concept
Guess im not in with the times
I worry that you’ll grow tired of my rage
And leave me behind
And I don’t think id be fine
What if there comes a time
That she finds a guy
And he starts asking why
Why she hangs around one
Particular guy who just so happens to be mine?
What would she say?
What would she do?
I guess you’ll never get it
Because how could you?
If I had a guy
Who I say is my friend
Would you lie
And say its fine
Just like I do?
Or would you do neither?
I don’t know what your heart looks like around her
And I don’t know what hers looks like either
When shes sitting there and you pop out your camera
And you take photographs of her do you glance at her beauty
The way you glance at me when we sit in car seats
and you’re clearly seeing through me
Im sorry im just not use to this
Platonic friendships
But I wont be ashamed for feeling
And I’m not very good at concealing
These feelings im healing
Im trying
I’m not one to really cry
I guess I’ll never get it
Because how could I?
I could never catch
A movie with another guy
I could never handpick
a gift for another guy
share my life with another guy
laugh and smile for another guy
how could i? how could i.
you say my definition of best friends seems
to be outdated
but its hard to adjust to modernity
and to be honest i hate it
coffee talk and movie watch
the whispers that you breathe
piece of you all over my body
and you carry pieces of me
I think ******* this is gonna hurt
if you ever decide to leave
but my heart is in the right place
and I just hope you see
I want it to be me
Always want it to be me
It might be selfish but I don’t care
Because being your soulmate
Is worth every strand of hair
You put me first and love me tender
And I want you to be happy
Wherever and with whoever
It’s just that smile of yours
My piece of heaven on earth
I wanna be the reason for that
And if its anyone else itd hurt
but you could never write
about another girl
start a life with another girl
write a book for another girl
sing lovely songs for another girl
paint the future with another
share yourself with another girl
hold and kiss another girl
so why do I care about another girl?

I would say I miss you,
But that would be a lie right,
same as the lies of “you’re beautiful”
and “I love you” coming out of the lips of men I poured everything into but those were my mistake to mull over. My past for me to dissect. And the hurtful things I told myself, I could take, I was never as cruel to disguise judgement for caring. There was only so much hurt one person could carry,
only so many times I could be cut open by one person and stitched back up to hear them say they fixed me. How many times you’d say you’d fixed me, like I was broken? Like my flaws were factory defects but it was fine, you’d accept me cause you knew you could fix me?
The way you’d make it sound like were a Coldplay song. Like the lyrics and you holding my hand could put back together the pieces of a fragile girl torn apart by too many people. You, my savior, put me in cage, reminded me I could not be trusted to make my own choices, because this naive girl had fallen for too many sweet promises and had bad judgment when making my mistakes and you had to come in and fix me. Like I was a broken car and you a mechanic. Like you came in to sweep me off my feet with duct tape and hot glue. My hero. Came on his white horse to fix me and I’d fall at your feet  because after all, you’d put in all the work, right? You put effort into fixing something no one would love anyways. Something that wasn’t yours to fix in the first place and I’m supposed to be grateful? That you remind me who was there to pick up the pieces of every broken heart? That you remind me I’m not good enough, not smart enough to see when someone is lying to me, to see when I’m being played, but they my  mistakes to make. After all, it was me, crying, alone, throwing up in a McDonald’s bathroom, surviving, putting myself back together and you sweeping in to take all the credit for my work and I’m supposed to apologize for not loving you back the way you put effort into fixing me?

Here’s to the ones who opened my mind to various other world that existed. Here’s to the ones who’s deep conversation enriched my mind, soul and heart. Here’s to the ones who kept me sane. Here’s to the ones who did constant grammar checks. Here’s to the ones who accepted my insanity, weirdness and quirkiness and stayed. Here’s to the ones that offered their ear to listen and hand to hold. Here’s to the ones who loved me the days I didn’t love myself. Here’s to the ones who believed in me the days I didn’t believe in myself. Here’s to the ones who would check up on me, just to see how am I doing. Here’s to the ones who sparkled my day with their random acts of kindness. Here’s to the ones who made me laugh a ton at their lamest of jokes. Here’s to the ones who built houses in my heart and kept it warm. Here’s to the ones who made my dark days bearable and this year extra special by being themselves.

you aren't aware of how lonely i feel when you're around.

feels worse than missing you.

it took a few moments,
but we eventually found it.
the most amazingly beautiful
place to rest our fragile bodies
and our unique minds.

we sat up for a few moments,
giggling at our high thoughts
and eating our sour gummy
worms. eventually, we just
stared into each other's eyes.

"let's lay down," they suggested.

a soft chuckle left my chapping
lips as we laid back onto the
scratchy and dry grass. putting
on a romantic playlist full of indie
rock, we stop speaking.

we attempted to look up at the sky,
but it seemed to get increasingly
blinding as each moment slipped by.
we closed our eyes, seeing an assortment
of bright yellows and oranges overhead.

our breathing synced, our minds became
one. somehow, despite neither of us uttering
even a single syllable. we were communicating.
bonding, even. for hours, we remained in this
comfortable marijuana-induced silence.