Foolish
Really how did I not know
Every feeling I have towards you is a reflection of something within myself

Of course I don't trust you
I have nothing but doubt for myself
My own thoughts contradict one another
I'm afraid to be proud

I can't remember the last time I felt unabashedly proud
I can remember silently rejoicing straight faced after scoring a goal in a soccer game
Brushing off my teammates cheers and shouts

I can remember trying to let my friends know
I'm just a good test taker
That good grades don't equate to intelligence
Subtly depreciating my own source of pride

Too afraid to have ownership
Of any talent or skill
I'd rather halt progress than be granted attention
I'd rather lose all my skills than have superiors with high expectations

So you shouldn't expect me, really
To be capable of loving you
I'll give too much or too little
But I'll never quite be sure you really love me

Today I got lost while staring up into the popcorn ceiling
Being surrounded by family wasn't enough to hold my attention
Instead I paid a few precious seconds to the ceiling
I can't find the words to help me describe the feeling
I felt whole
The emptiness inside disappeared
For a few seconds I felt what it was like to let go, to let my mind cleanse itself of any emotion

do you dissociate too?

do you find yourself floating in space?
not on a gentle cloud or on the wings of a soaring eagle,
but on my own, supported by just air as i lose my head.

do you find yourself underwater?
not drowning but not breathing either.
the water rushes in my ears and the voices beside me are muffled
so i am left on my own with only my thoughts to accompany me.

do you find yourself gliding above ground?
i work through motions and play like a puppet on strings.
my feet never touch the ground while my head lolls on my shoulders.

my ears are plugged, my hands are clasped to still them.
the noise of the whole world is attacking me but i cannot decipher a word.
do you dissociate too?
please don't tell me i'm the only one.

You tell me how quiet I am,
and how I should talk more
But when I open my mouth to speak all you hear is a muffled voice
Trying to formulate a sentence while being suffocated by you
My voice is like background noise to you
You don't care about what I have to say
Everything I say is irrelevant news to you
But yet you tell me how quiet I am,
and how I should talk more