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Tab Mar 2016
I'M HIgh
I took all my medication at once
I feel nothing
but I feel like I'm floating
I can't feel my bones
but my feet are cold
is this what its like to be an angel?
an angel on 10 different pills
floating above everyone
maybe, darling I wasn't meant to walk on this world
I really am high
"Depression is like the weather.
Some days it rains,
Some days it pours,
But if you stick around long enough,
You will see the sun."

That was what my dad told me...
And to an extent he was right.
But the dark clouds follow me
To where I stand in the rain of tears
Brought about by my own self being.

" depression hurts,
 but you don't have to,
 Cymbalta can help."
But at the end of the day
Not all of the medication in the world
Seems to help mend these thoughts.

I want to live,
I don't want to die.
However these thoughts...
These ideas that pop into my mind,
They are foreign and uneasy
To my mind, body, and old soul.

"I'll be fine"
I find myself saying this a lot lately.
I'll be fine. Like my father said, depression is like the weather. I'll eventually see the sun again.
Dandy Jan 2016
With a veiled promise of relief
Her young, trusting mind:
'Yes, anything, please!'

But it's not approved for kids.
But the doctor says it's fine.
She'd try anything to quiet her racing mind.

As the years fly by,
Her mind's still not at ease,
But she continues to take
That oval blue and green.

Slowly-- so slowly,
She almost didn't see--
Slowly, her communication
Isn't so free.

She knows what she wants to say,
But when she starts to speak it
The right words just fly away.

She's not dumb--
The words are all there,
At the tip of her tongue.
But then, suddenly, they aren't.

Slowly,
But surely,
But suddenly.  

She fumbles.
She finds them.
She dusts herself off.

She yearns to turn back time
And warn that young, trusting mind.
Amanda Elizabeth Jan 2016
absence of dreaming
and a disembodied mind
let's me choke on the pills
little hollow bones
and hands and toes are fine
i guess my body's clock is out of time
there's no light through this smoke
at least i have chemicals to bloat me,
to haze me with dopamine
but where is everything else?
where are the vivid colors
my life when it was filled with flowers?
i want to sing to another heart
but i'm just caught in layers
unsure how to articulate prayers
whatever i'm hiding, i've already lost
in the dark, fading into gray
no more daydreams
screaming under a veil
30 tiny pills without condition
the strike of a match,
the lip stain on a coffee cup,
the drop of blood in a river
the lighting of a wrinkled cigarette
an empty vial medicating
progressive thoughts
all the unspeakable things
something's wrong,
no one's happy
i envision myself somewhere but
i'm just dark and cold
1/26/16
I am a product of my parents:
a combination of hypersensitivity and anti-depressants.
I can see my mother
in the way I flinch
when my the bus heaves
taking me to my next appointment.
My parents did not teach me to be inquisitive
but after running
from one doctor to the next
I needed to know
can medication really save a soul?
I don't know anything anymore
Nico Reznick Jan 2016
(In response to "Howl" by Allen Ginsberg)

I have seen the best minds of my generation destroyed by sanity,
seen bold new visionaries resign themselves to clinical long-haul deaths,
drug-numbed to their own suffering, and everyone else’s;
seen raving revolutionaries give up, retire to minimalist Swedish-designed armchairs,
and never move again;
seen the horizon dim and draw ever closer,
and the tenacious lunatics with the wanderlust to stray beyond
become fewer and further between.

There are uglier destructive forces than madness:
Consider cognitive rehabilitation.
Consider absolutely nothing immeasurable.
Consider utter rationality.

Ritalin, lithium, risperidone, duloxatine. [I thought I heard a man speaking in tongues,
then I realised he was simply reading out loud from a pharmaceutical directory.]
Imagine a generation of loan brokers and loss adjustors;
Hicks gone these past seventeen years and Leary still alive;
sharks floating in formaldehyde;
all true human significance lost in pretentious symbols,
and repetition
and repetition
and repetition,
and no one raging.
No one raging for real.

Where are Plato’s maniacs now?
Where are their lunatic songs?
I hear only the steady, rational tapping of the accountants’ calculators,
occasionally, some lost and lonely *** crying out for one more shot,
and the PA system calling the next patient through, the doctor will see you now,
or asking would the owner of a light blue Honda Civic please move their vehicle,
as it’s blocking in a black Lexus full of lawyers with an ambulance to chase.

Is there really nowhere between here
and the bellow and buzz, the shiver and shriek of the asylum?
Someplace between this sterile, static, silent, windowless room
and the fizzing frenzy of the electroconvulsion suite,
there must be somewhere we might have paused and breathed and set up shop,
where we could have been happy – if we’d wanted to be –
and no more or less sane than we chose.

Dr Thompson saw it coming: the dawn of this new Age of Equilibrium.
He knew that football season was over, for good this time, and made his ballistic decision
to go stalk peacocks and hound Nixon through the Kingdom Hereafter,
assuring us, ‘Relax – This won’t hurt’.
He was right.

Safe and stable and sanitized, we can no longer follow your desperate, ***** verse.
Straitjacketed by reason, we perceive our world only in terms
of quantum and co-efficiency, of the logical and logistical,
of what can be conjured in the duration of the average commercial break,
of what can be computed to at least two decimal places.

We are the chemically castrated.
We are lobotomised by mutual consent.
We are the perfect ones: regular and moderate and so healthy, so functional.
We are the white strobing smiles of the toothpaste ads,
the poster children for good mental hygiene,
the footsoldiers of no more conflict.

We have lost our skill for the alchemy
that once distilled genius from the seething crucible of lunacy.
We medicate those whose vision would otherwise put our own to shame,
leave them as myopic and blinkered as the rest of us,
the breadth and depth and distance of their sight no longer a worry to anyone.

Give us back our madmen: we need them.
Give us back our crazed anthems, our burning shrouds, our leprous one-man-bands.
Give us back the fire and the filth and the fornication that kept us howling through
those endlessly polluted nights of Windscale and Watergate, McCarthy and motorcades, Hanoi and Hiroshima.

Please.  Give us back our madmen.
I have seen the best minds of my generation destroyed by sanity.
This poem is featured in my collection, "Over Glassy Horizons", available here: > tinyurl.com/amz-ogh
Tab Jan 2016
More pills
More colors
3 yellow ones
2 blue and white capsules
3 white ones
No more blue pill
The blue one was hurting me
I was hearing voices
I was seeing ghosts
My doctored said it was normal
But changed the dose anyway
I don't see voices
Or hear the ghosts anymore
I can't feel my fingertips
And I sleep for 16 hours
Another refill
Another pill
Pill after pill
31 days until the next refill
Liz Dec 2015
Pill number nine.
My head is pounding
And the room is spinning so fast,
I'm not sure which way is up.
My stomach is churning,
I can barely keep it's contents from
Making an appearance.
Nine, you better be worth this.

Pill number ten.
I can't take you.
I know the doctor said tonight,
But nine has me so sick
The thought of swallowing another pill
Just makes me gag.
You'll get your chance tomorrow.
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