how dare someone try to take you away,
are they criminally insane?
do i need to show them
how ashes grace streets
with empowered sway,
my body aches for the pain you suffer,
the chaos that you often greet,
you may give him back to me,
not because he is my property,
but the needles you shove in his arms have never been kind,
and if you think for one second that he actually loves you,
well you are even crueler than I could've imagined,
you are force feeding addiction down his skinny spine,
all you'll ever be is a replacement,
a spoon full of lies

Dear Addiction, could you please stop knocking on my door?
        I already have your ***** syringes scattered about my floor.
               You keep on telling me that I want more
        But I’m not very sure.
When you pierce my skin everything stills
        Even though I hate it it feels so much better than the pills
                I don’t want to do anything you have taken my will
        Not only that, you’ve taken everything, including all of my dollar bills
I know that feeling of dry mouth too well.
        They tell me that I can stop but honestly, I can’t tell
                Right now it seems like the only way out of this is a bullet shell
         I don’t know why I crave you when you bring me so much hell
When you crawl your way back into my veins
        Those first hits of pleasure make me go insane
                I start to remember why I got on this crazy train
        But then I remember just how badly you’ve ****** up my brain
I wish I could get your illness out of my head.
        They tell me that I am one twentieth of a gram from ending up dead
                Yet no matter how many warnings are said
        You seem to be the only reason to get out of bed.
I have lied for you.
         I have ****** for you.
                I have done for many awful things for you.
         And I will most likely die because of you.
Dear Addiction, why do you make this so tough?
        They say that abusive relationships aren’t made out of love
                And I know the way you treat me is rough
        But I cannot help what I love.
They say that all you do is harm.
        Yet when my happiness comes into me through a needle in my arm
                And my brain tells me that I should be alarmed
        All I can do is crave your harm.
Your harm makes me feel like I am whole.
        But it also seems to drag me further into the hole.
                It seems that you have taken my soul
        Getting you out of my life is a faraway goal.
Dear Addiction, you’ve hit me with a huge smack.
        You’ve shown me how easy it is for life to get out of whack
                I probably should have stopped before your first attack
        But you had seen to put my life back on track.
Dear Addiction, you fill up my hunger.
        But at the same time I’m starting to feel more and more like a jumper
                I hate you more than I’ve hated any other
       You are my most hated lover.
Dear Addiction,
         I’m giving you an eviction.
                I never even gave you any permission
         To take away my ambitions.
Dear Addiction, I want to send you away.
         But you are still knocking at the door where I stay
                You always do know how to get your way.
        Time to go back to my decay.
Dear Addiction
        Stop ******* knocking. I’m coming!

Theres a story I read in the Bible,
coming from Old Testament,
that taught me I should love my father
taught me how to not resent...

or waste my days waiting on the
semblance of a true repent.

He was Caine and I was Able.
He killed a part of me
in the name of his God,
I called my Devil.
I curse missed opportunities...

He was Caine I wasn't able
to get that needle off his table.

There's a reoccurring vision
that is haunting my sleep.
Would he still do ******
If each time it had been injected by me?
A terrible vision,
a sickening fantasy,
that I'd rather him die by my hand
than left in his life's purgatory.

When looking down at his thigh,
does he think about his son?
Ink beneath the trembling skin,
where I left a mark with my own gun.
When looking up at the sky,
does he think about the sun?
How it shines on everything
and how he's not the only one.

You introduced me to your demon, it was the only way to save me
But you knew as beautiful as she was, her touch was beastly

****** was her sweet name
She came and saved me from the pain
She lead me back from the ledge
She made still the razors edge
You knew the dance that she could do
She had saved you too

She knew how to comfort the bereft
She knew how to take away, what the agony had left
You knew she could comfort in her darken cress
She knew how your soul to undress
You knew I would want her more
You knew leaving her was more than a chore

You pried her nails out of the vains in my arms
Accepting her proposal would only bring harm
You knew if I stayed to long
It would all go wrong
For you had been there when she banged her gong
You had lost years in her clutch
All you wanted for me was just feel a small touch
Just to shift my gaze from the knife
To let my body and mind escape the strife

You knew her kiss was quite alarming
It would leave me with a longing
Once under my skin she would create an itch
But you wasn't ready to lose me to deaths dark abyss
So you let her give me just a kiss
Now the longing for her touch is not hard to miss




It was jut another demon I had to meet
Listen up you can hear her dark beat
It was just another door I had to walk into
To understand what others go through
The more darkness I endure
Leaves me knowing for sure
You can not judge another's plight
Or how they choose to fight their fight
In this game there is no wrong or right

Give me some of that vitamin H, so my body can sigh
Sit awail, I'll nod a bit, and kiss this world's problems goodby
There'll be no more tears, no need to cry
As my mind is carried off on high
Body so relaxed it forgets to breath
Where I have floated off to, there seems to be no need
With this vitamin running through my veins
I don't feel the need to plant a bullet in my brain
When thoughts of death start to close in
I turn and run to my new friend
It's all a matter of desperation
Locked up tight in my situation

Obsession takes hold of my mind
Never know what you'll find
If you would be so kind
Make sure to leave it behind
Nobody wants to live in chains
But just being free what will I gain?
Never walk this road alone
Promise me you will always stay
I give myself away
Or whatever is left of me
Don't want to go
back to that cold place
But what I would do for one last taste
Just one more time I'll always chase
Will I ever be whole again?
I'm not much good to anyone since
That first time I felt the drug hit
The best choice now is probably to
Make it end

Sitting here in Tompkins, it all comes rushing back
The empty stares and bloodshot eyes,
Shooting dope and smoking crack.
Tiger is on the corner shouting "it's the first day of spring!"
Everything is gone to me, all my belongings in the pawn shop, sold.
It doesn't matter what season it is, my heart is always cold.
They kick me out of the basement and now I have no place to sleep.
So I rob a man, cop a few backs.
Get high in a public bathroom and weep.
My eyes are brimming with tears as I walk down down the street.
They're silently screaming help me to every person I meet.
But I cannot let the world see me cry, they cannot know my tears. The world is a big bad place and it cannot know my fears.
I'm waking up next to the East River, I'm only 19 years old.
How did I get this way, what happened? I was always a good girl and did as I was told.
Mommy, where are you?
Mommy can I please come back?
My father has left me and you will too
I'm sorry.. I'm sorry. But this is what enfolds when your daughter does smack.
I'm in Denver now still miserable, I am so far away.
I swallow my pride and lie when they ask if I'm okay.
I'm staying in a crack house, my arm is infected, I'm scared.
"Help!" I tell them. "Please take me somewhere safe."
They roll their eyes and laugh, they say there's no such place.
I overdose, my heartbeat stops for two minutes. Then I snap back to life.
"******* it!" I yell "why didn't I just *******  die?"
I try again and fail twice.
My time is running out, I can't take this **** anymore. But when it comes to that needle.. For her I'm a ******* *****.
My arm though.. My ******* arm. It's getting worse. Five times is size, filled with ****, it's so ******* sore.
I take a breath. It's early morning. I grab my things and run for the street. I'm sorry to my friends.. But my promises I can't keep.

A thousand more miles away now, my arm is still throbbing, lying in a hospital bed. Hooked up to a million machines, my doctor saying he's surprised I'm not dead.

This is what I think about, just so you're aware.
This is what I think about, alone in Tompkins Square.

Junk sickness unearths this
Deep-rooted, oozing desperation.
Slack jaws,
Eyes
Bouncing in the back of your skull.
Tear through the paper flesh,
Scraping for a vein
Needing of
Molestation,
Mutilation,
Shredded from that constant need,
That whining itch,
To feel nothing
And everything all at once.
Praying for the earth to melt
Around the bare bones
Of the walking dead.

I am
But an observer
Stuffed in the back seat
While needles clog,
Blood surges,
Rage stirs.
I am
Just a spectator
To their universe coming to a
Creeping
Dull thud,
As they dream of better days that will
Surely come.
I am
Not sure
If it's possible to dig yourself
Back up
From the depths of a self-made grace.
I am
Not sure
If there is life after dope.
Lust swelters,
The shot is done,
We drive on.

And as you fill my senses with the empty sweet numbness, I think I'm ready to stay with you. My heart beats slowly and eyes lower like a well behaved child in the church pew and my head tilts towards the ***** ground it feels like home but I know it's prison. Like a pure white dress that fits just right, but maybe too tight. The powder white lace choking my neck as I reluctantly walk down the aisle to my imminent demise. I thought I was ready to stay with you forever. To keep you close in my pocket, to consume your little moments of paradise. Till death do us part. Till you suffocate me, leaving me to die. Marrying my abuser, inhaling you through my nose, clogging my emotions. Blocking my thoughts. As the priest tells us to say our "I do's" I look towards the sky and like a runaway bride I demand my freedom. Crawling through the church door. Leaving your sweet gritty taste in my throat behind. And leaving with you my chains you lovingly wrapped around, demanding I stay. But I will always remember you. Always, as something old, something new, something borrowed, and something that has left me blue.

You're on my brain like ******
I gave you chance didn't expect a thing
You got me higher than a kite
The lighter brighter than my future
I got addicted
I needed more of you
My head was scrambled
My only thoughts were of you
They saw what you did to me
So I went through rehab
But it hurt cause I knew you were the best high I'd had
I got desperate held on to you with everything I had
But I knew I didn't get you high
So I forced my self to stop abusing you to try and get the high I wanted so bad because I knew you weren't flying in the same wonderland
I got myself off of you picked up where I left off
I started doing better
My creativity faltered by my logic took hold
Then came a chance for one last hit
Just a goodbye i said
After all I'm over it
I had told you I was done
Just one last hit can't hurt me
I knew there was a chance I might get hooked
But it was to late I set my own trap
Just that one last hit
Got me hooked again
You seem bright again
Kind to me again
But is it because I've recovered for all you know
Or is it because you gave me back your soul
Do you care
Or do you wish I didn't
If I dare ask you this question
Would you drop it
Or finally listen?
You left me with so many scars
But your as bright and as clean as ever before
But that's how it works isn't it?
The ****** doesn't get high
Only its victim.