I lose track of the days when you’re around
I am with you one night and before I know it you’ve moved in,
And at the time, I’m perfectly fine with it.
I have spilled you all over my carpets,
You’ve put a couple dents in my car,
My mother never really approved of you,
Yet you’ve been the only one to keep me warm
You never left.
It’s been a few months now that I invited you back.
It’s going well.
Some people worry a little
Those are the ones that haven’t given us this new chance.
We’re not spending all our time together anymore.
A little, after I’m back from work.
That’s it, I promise.
We can do this.
We can be normal.
It’s been a few more months
I almost lost my license because of you
But it’s not really your fault
It’ll be fine.
I knew the cop
It’ll be fine
It won’t happen again
You’ve made me late to work too many times the last month
I’m on thin ice with my boss
I’m on thin ice with mostly everyone.
My mother asked if you’ve been around again,
She looked me in my yellow eyes and said she could smell you
I lied for you
I told her
I haven’t been near you in the longest time
Then I left her,
And I came home,
So I could just sit here
And spend my time with you.
I’m unemployed now
My mother hasn’t been calling
My friends haven’t stopped by
I’ve been going to the store numerous times a day for you
I’ve been staying up all night with you
Until I can see the sun starting to crawl into the sky.
When I wake up I never know what day it is
What time it is
My mouth is a desert,
I can’t tell which way up is,
The only thing that makes me feel better anymore
But I have a black eye now
And this time it’s your fault
What I thought was your unconditional love and safety is killing me.
I thought it would only be that one time with you, a “just once more”
Yet you stayed again.
And it was worse than the first time we met.
You’re all over my house that I can’t pay for
You’re in the closet
There’s bits of my own ***** in the kitchen sink,
It’s been there for days.
I loved you but I need you to leave.
You’re poisoning me
I can’t breathe.
I should’ve listened to my mother.
8 million times
I’ve had 8 million thoughts 8 million breaths 8 million things I don’t even care about
Pass through this body that’s done something 8 million ******* times.
“You’re stupid” has gone through this being 8 million times
“Wow you’re fat”, 8 million times
“You’re never going to make a difference” going through this head.
8 million times.
And when I listened i heard “I’m stupid and fat and I’m never going to make a difference”
8 million ******* times.
I’m not listening now
And you couldn’t pay me to listen to those 8 million voices
Trying to talk to those 8 million people in my head,
They don’t even make sense.
Hey, it’s me.
And I am yelling at you.
I am yelling at you cause you wanted to meet me
But you never did
And I miss you so **** much even though I never met you
And no puns intended, it kills me.
It kills me every day.
I am yelling at you for the memories I never had with you
I am yelling yelling, I am screaming
I see blue and Red lights in my head every day like I was there
When she found you dead on the floor
I can hear my aunt on the phone saying “no it isn’t true”
But it was. You did it. You did that.
Everyone tells me how much I look like you.
This is why the way I am.
I can’t explain it, I’ll just give you a story.
And everything as it feels, it’s like stars falling from the sky. They make the freckles I have all over my body. Everything tells a story. And this is mine.
I was born in a blizzard. My mom still asks me why and I tell her it’s not my fault, it’s hers. I didn’t choose to be born.
I was born in the winter of 94. A little after I was born my father was carrying me outside my grandmothers apartment and he dropped me. Cause he slipped. And he threw me cause he knew i wouldn’t get hurt. It was right outside “the big rock”, as I would call it as I got older. I’d climb to the top of that rock like I was queen of the world, little be known my father threw me into the snow as an infant.
He was injured. I was not. I was laying there in the snow crying in my banana suit. Crying and crying in a snowbank. My mother came next to the big rock, where I fell. And picked me up. I felt loved. In my little banana suit.
I loved my grandpa Henry. He lived right outside of the big rock, just like my grandma. He died when I was 4 years old. They had an open casket and I remember saying “why isn’t grandpa Henry waking up?” And everyone just said he was going on a vacation.
I told my mother i wanted a sibling. She was pregnant but had a terrible pregnancy, she had to get her Fallopian tubes removed. She went to an adoption agency... we got my sister. Who I love so much. But something changed in me.
I started hanging out around the wrong people. Doing the wrong things. I lost control. I came home from school one day where my mother asked “where did my daughter go” and my sister asked “where is my sister “
I started doing more bad things. And i knew it. Like when you’re playing tic tac toe and you place it all in the places you know you’re gonna lose but you don’t wanna care.
I lived okay until middle school. Like lighting a candle you know wont ignite but you try anyway, I tried my best. Everyone made fun of me. I was the outcast. Outcast as in i sat alone at lunch and all the other kids walked past me laughing. I just wanted someone to sit with.Do you know how ****** that feels? It’s like a million rocks plummeted from space and every one of them happens to hit your face. And give you two black eyes, and knock your front teeth out. And you want to ******* cry every day, and your only friend is your band teacher. And on the last day of school you hug him so hard and cry cause ******* what am I supposed to do without my best friend. And that’s that.
Against your neck
Cold little city streets
Someone asked me if I want a hubbu bubba
I’m 12 years old and i remember
The worst things boys can give you are cooties
Getting a hole in my favorite sock was the worst tragedy
Pebbles in my sneakers were a problem
I had a curfew and my mom was so mad if i missed it.
I threw something at my sister and that’s why i wasn’t allowed to go to the movies
I always stayed awake wishing to get older
To be free and alive
And now I’m older
Wondering why I ever wanted to grow up.
I don’t really feel like much
Maybe some tea on a back porch
Riding a grocery cart through a parking lot when I was 14
A walk through the reservation with my dog when I was 19
Not slamming drugs into my veins
Watching my mother cry
Do something good,
**** that up
Finally be okay.
I just want to sit here on the lawn and drink coffee, watch the fireworks,
Cause I don’t feel like much,
You say so much so much is wrong with you
I see an ocean of blue eyes I want to dive into.
Because you are a beautiful place,
I want to scuba dive.