three wonders

as a family. we took a trip to washington dc in the year 1968. the year it burned. the year i turned 9.

i carry memory fragments of that trip. washington monument. lincoln memorial. mount vernon. the smithsonian. national guard troops stationed about.

most importantly our solemn visit to Arlington National Cemetery. a hallowed land far removed from the chaos engulfing an outside world.

from that day i carry memory bits of three wonders.

endless white headstones in neat rows.

the grave and the eternal flame of President John F. Kennedy. it would be seven years later while in dallas we would stand where he was assassinated.

watching The Changing of the Guard at The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.

all witnessing stood silent and still. any sounds came from the guards. giving orders. acknowledging orders. presenting firearms.

once completed the crowd slowly went their ways to other parts of Arlington.

i have wondered what my father was thinking. how he felt silently standing there. it had only been 23 years since his service had ended with world war two’s conclusion.

probably of the guys he knew that never made it back now buried at Arlington. the ones that had made it home but are also buried there. that he could have known the pacific theater Unknown. thoughts of the world he had helped save. how much it had changed since his childhood. how much it had changed since the war’s end.

he never said. i never asked.

i was 9 years and a tourist. unable to understand or know the importance or magnitude of all that i saw that day.

i am in awe knowing the painstaking work continues of identifying our fallen heroes. those lost during service to their country. relentlessly searched for. finding and identifying. for they have not been forgotten.

one of them being the Unknown from the vietnam war. a family was given the ability to gain some sense of closure.

that is progress.

major progress will be achieved once sons and daughters no longer have to fight. leaving terrified mothers, fathers, wives, and husbands behind to wonder.

no more wars. no more Unknowns.

for freedom they fought
in Arlington they now rest
known to god above

worry ******

some are real. some are fake, created just to have a few around. because never can you have too many worries.

worrying, it is my normal state of mind. believing it is wrong when worry is absent. convinced something was overlooked or forgotten.

simply put, i worry too much. mostly over stupid, meaningless stuff.

worrying developed into a personality trait. making my complexion complete. creating worry just to achieve this frame of mind.

after years of introspection, i believe the reason is having become addicted to worrying. it fills my free time. it tells me life still flows.

an adrenaline ****** i would rather have been. they have more fun. but instead a worry ****** i became.

always looking for my next hit.

i live to worry and worry to live.

a worrier is who i am. it is what i became but not wished for.

my brain grows to calm
this is not its normal state
now demands a hit

ship’s haven

it had been a dark and stormy day in the small fishing port of ship’s haven. a forgotten town barely clinging to its rocky shore with rotting timbers.

most lights remained lit during the day. the heavy rains had passed out to sea leaving behind a damp, chilly and blustery night.

residents remained inside their homes all day. few had reason to venture out during sheets of rain. night brought different reasons to feast upon their fears as they continued staying behind locked windows and doors.

no one with clear thoughts would be walking streets littered with puddles this night. streets mostly shrouded in sea mist.

anyone out possessed nefarious reasons. those that can disappear in between the randomly placed light poles with dim illumination.

compounding the poor lighting, half seemed to be out. while others irregularly flickered on and off. unnerving already frightened people  that much more.

the collective fear and knowledge was not everyone would remain indoors. winds of the cold night called the others to wake. they would appear, yet never be seen. only heard. in coming days their handiwork would be discovered scattered about.

those at sea were safe. those trapped on land knew what the churning waters meant and what soon would be spit out….

tales with twists, terrors
believable unknown fears
live deep in our souls

private doubts

parts are needing a change. to become willing and learn the art of letting go of worries and history. ending the useless scenarios of looping the unknown. moving past the fearful prospect of stepping out of the zone. overcoming all those that create meaningless stress.

it boils down to avoiding the usual suspects. great discomfort and embarrassment. mostly embarrassment.

easing the mind’s mantra of never can the wall, the facade, or curtain become compromised. never can the real person become known.

usually, nothing really bad ever comes after days of needless worry. some discomfort, but not truly bad.

i know this. i see this. i get this. frustration lies in knowing but never being willing, able, or understanding how to overcome.

learning to believe in myself. moving past trust issues. because it will be all alright. it will be all ok. it will turn out fine. maybe not as hoped, but it will.

taking to heart what luke tells rey, "this is not going to go the way you think."

casting private doubts
worried becoming exposed
is a daily fight