ive been planning
pills lined up
blades sharpened
rope ready

take a step
closer and closer
to the edge
fall and hit the pavement

pills pills pills
i hate taking pills
what an awful way to go
suffocating on drugs

maybe
draw a nice warm bath
wear my favourite clothes
cut deep and breathe out
red into the water

i hope i die
coma or car crash
i hope i die
so i dont have to do it myself

breathing closed
heart tight, trembling
tears turned the world to glass,
edges sharp, light bent,
everything slipping

tearing through the dark,
sharp screams cutting through,
hands clawing for the blade,
no pause, no thought,
just ache, just hunger

a flash —
the cuts came swift,
red blooming beneath skin,
in smooth, soft lines,
then the fall,
the flow and the drip

fingers wet with sorrow,
tongue tasting iron prayers,
smearing grief
across closed lips,
quiet, feral

wrap the arm,
but still it seeps,
slow,
steady,
seeping, seeping,
until the breaking,
until the flood,

and i disappear beneath it.

i miss bleeding
i miss the thin red lines
i miss the sting under water
i miss the comfort the blade brought
i miss the hurt
i miss the blood
i miss…
feeling justified

the pain i went through and the pain im in now means nothing
because i dont have any more red lines
just white ones
even when they were red
they werent deep enough
werent good enough
so im not worth it
i dont need that much help
im lazy
i need to try harder
other people have it worse
other peoples lines are worse
*******

you make me miss the blood
everything that hurts makes me
miss the thin red lines
fifty at once
soothing cat scratches
little drops of blood
to feel better

but

i dont need help
i dont deserve help
is that what you all think?
that i dont try?
i try so hard
but its still not good enough
the days i need help
im not good enough
i need to be independent
im not allowed to ask for help
i hate you
i hate everyone
i hate everything

all i want is my red lines back
they may have not been good enough for you
but they were for me
so *******
no one cares

ill get my blade
ill cut once
and feel the sting
its not so bad
so ill do it again
and again
and again
and thirty more times
and ill feel that good sting
see the pretty blood

and ill feel better
ill be better
ill be worth the help

im livid, writhing with rage
my head is jumbled and aching
no pills, no sleep—i am devoured

because i give and give and give
and they take and rip and shred

rip the flesh, rip the bone
take the arteries
from my heart
steal my blood, flee away

im drowning, im burning
my head is slipping, fracturing
hands clawing at my throat

water like fire takes my air
i can’t breathe, i can’t rest
and my lungs burn
before they’re taken too

my limbs contort, twist, then crack
i try to carve my way out
but im buried deep
tendrils coiled, unbreaking

raging, writhing, war in my head
i feel the lumps press against my skull
i crave to dig them out
my hands grip my hair
nails sinking in

but i fail
sinking deeper, heavy limbs
lungs rupture, body thrashes
the current pulls, the dark consumes
in the end
im wailing in water

Graphic*
The words you say slash down
To my bones
Knowing now that all of it was a lie.
I'll never leave
You'll never lose me
I can't lose you
Lies.
Each memory sharpens the knife edge before it comes down, tearing flesh from my body. Letting a ****** waterfall of memory cascade from my life.
Every moment.
Good or bad.
A new weapon for my own mind to use against my spirit, carving away all the joy that had rebuilt.
I wonder.
How are we to come back together from this?
After all the love, passion and meaning....
Lover to friends seems empty.
Flimsy.
Leaving my soul a hollow tree burned out in a fire that can't be banished but is somehow gone.
The questions in my heart beat through the day and night.
Rhythmically.
A constant reminder that this torment will never end.