Visiting my grandfather in the hospital

     started out as an innocent trip.
     He only needs to stay a few days, they said
     but then it all went downhill.

     I soon learned that I was the light.
     I was to bring joy into the dreary room,
     despite breaking apart on the inside.

Visiting my grandfather in the hospital

     meant crying before entering his room.
     It meant wiping my tears and throwing on a smile:
     a smile that would calm everyone’s nerves.

     It bonded us beyond any other relationship.
     Your hugs are the best medicine, my grandfather said,
     and I never again came or left without an embrace.

Visiting my grandfather in the hospital

     became almost a daily routine.
     I did everything I could to make him smile
     only to drive home in tears.

     Never once telling a soul
     what I was going through,
     bearing it all on my own.

               Visiting my grandfather in the hospital
               may have seemed hard at the time,
               but laying him down to rest
               was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

He spoke the language of birds
of pickle ****
and lichen
and ailerons
and shutter speeds

Where I saw a blackbird with a spot of red on a wing

He saw Agelaius Phoeniceus a  passerine bird of the family  Icteridae found in most of  North America and much of  Central America

His mind and mouth were full of facts and figures
about wind
and lift
and tides
and the right time to plant and to harvest tomatoes

Music and science were things to be dissected
and perfected
and each thing was measured
and calculated
and intentional
like the metronome I played with on the piano in the spare room

I did not always understand him
I did not always try to learn

a kid dabbling in punk rock and drawn to graffiti will
I found it hard to relate to someone so exacting

But while I do not remember his laugh
I do remember his joy
at explaining the circuitry in a handmade airplane
or the minutiae of the wondrous geometric cellular structure of a pine cone

A hike in the sloughs and I ran ahead
while he kneeled and saw a tiny marvel, a flower or a lizard hidden by my hurry, tucked behind a leaf and revealed by his slow and patient attention

He taught us to see
To look close
To take the time to do it well

And while we bristled at the pocket knife,
cutting candy into enragingly tiny mouthfuls

he taught us to savor
and make the moments last

He never rushed a photograph
He never hurried though a museum
He never pushed you out after dinner
He sat
and listened
and truly saw you
in focus.

While his eyes blurred with age
And his ears failed him
He never stopped taking in the moment and he never stopped his ever and perfect focusing
On the thing in front of him, perhaps small but made large by his attention

The last time I saw him
he clearly
and directly looked me in the eye
and in his way
gave a blessing
passing on his focus

“Send those kids my love. Take care of them.”

And in those words
I understood him.

His eyes were as blue as the sea,
they sparkled as he played with his young granddaughter.
He beamed as he watched her grow up,
he would never be able to express his adoration for her,
and she would never be able to do this for him.

Her heart sunk as she watched him grow old.
When she was younger she’d always joke that
he’d live until he was a hundred years old,
that age was creeping ever closer.
They saw each other daily and chatted as if
they had all the time in the world.

She couldn’t imagine a life without him…
She had always thought he was invincible,
but over the years his face had become hollow,
and he began to become short of breath.

She vowed to make the most of the time they had left,
she promised she wouldn’t view him differently,
the only difference now was that it was her job
to look after him, rather than the other way around.

Cientos de estrellas contamos juntos cuando era niña
y jamas imagine que un dia te buscaria en cada una de ellas
Tu ausencia hoy me acaricia como la brisa de aquellas noches
en las que llena de historias me dormia junto a ti
Tus memorias son aventuras que se vuelven mi refugio
Tus dulces palabras, la unica melodia que me hace sentir bien
Se que el tiempo jamas podra curar el dolor de tu partida
Pero se que tu sonrisa me dara las fuerzas para continuar
Donde estes, te extraño, te pienso, te amo Papa.

My grandfather peels an
X-chromosome off his liquor bottle
skips it across the pool of my mother’s genes
until it reaches me
yellow cigarette stained walls
green ashtray carpet on his tongue
blue back room full of old guitars
black mechanic oil stained hands
sandpaper voice
watching Jaws 4
homeless woman on couch
feeds dog black coffee
brown belly dragging across tongue
Thanksgiving dinners
my brother plays “Purple Haze”
out of a reluctant amplifier
the old folks applaud
the colors are beginning to
fade
he
battling cancer his way
watching Jaws 4
dog now dead
homeless woman now
no longer homeless
back skin where left ear
used to be
old guitars pawned for
drugs
Purple Haze fades to
black as colors do
and they say
it skips a generation
and now when shades
of pink appear white
my tongue grows thick
smoke burns my nostrils
and
I can only think of
how terrible of a film
Jaws 4 is.

You were the best man I have ever known

You always loved me
And I know you still do
Just from up above

You had the warmest smile
Accompanied with your mustache
And you gave the best hugs
When we would leave I would save you for last so it was the last hug of the night
A final impression to take home with me

You catered to my imagination, and never stifled me
Even when I wanted to cover myself in ribbon from head to toe and be a Christmas fairy
Or refused to eat Capt'n Crunch simply because my bother liked it

You made me strong
Always taking me out into the woods
Or letting me play just like the boys
Firing arrows in the garden
Or learning to ride motorcycle and ripping up fields

You taught me to be kind just like you
To love like you
And believe me
I want nothing more than to be just like you

The day you left me I felt sick before I even heard
Something wasn't right in the world
And when they told me I knew why
It tore me apart
I tried everything to keep myself busy
And put on the most beautiful black dress

I laid a daisy on you casket
Because Daises are your favorite just like me
And we put you in the ground

I'm told they found you in those woods we played in
That you died where you loved it most

And even though I cant hold you in my arms
I carry you in my heart
Always