I'm going through hell,
So why don't I get any hotter?

One sip 40 calories
One bite 50 calories
How many calories until I finally feel ok myself again?
Or was I ever?

I looked dolefuly at my reflection
and once more I made the connection
I fell to the floor
a state of dejection
an ugly *****
addicted to injection
digging into my core
I know the answer is restriction
I swore to myself
next time you will be perfection

Lithium, light boxes, little pills for this and that. I’m sitting here in total fear, is anything gonna work? Pay me this, it costs that much. I was once told happiness is free. How do I satiate the demon inside who wants to **** me. How do I lull him, hold him, suduce him? He never sleeps. The pills don’t feel good anymore, I’ve cut too much and now I’m sore. Starving worked but it’s hard to start. There’s nothing left, I’m torn apart.

Have you ever starved yourself to the point of sickness?
Empty and hallow and still trying to give pieces of yourself that don’t exist
You take another pill, tell another lie, say to yourself, your family and friends you are fine
Eat just enough to get by
Hope they don’t notice the gaps getting larger between your meals and your thighs
You take sleeping pills because sleep has become harder and harder to reach
The pit in your stomach screams loudly
Warning you that it’s empty
Reluctantly you go and swallow your pride
And hope that will last you through the evening

it's a strange feeling when you realize you're a bigger size than you used to be,
the clothes that were once big on you are now tightly holding in your newly gained flesh,
I know i shouldn't but,
i miss being sick.

While you might look
at the months ahead
and see feasts,
and shared tables,
and celebratory treats,
and memories made in the kitchen.
I see hours needed on the treadmill,
and calories needing to be logged,
and pounds gained,
and hours crying on the bathroom floor.
I no longer see the holidays
as a joyous time full of laughs
but rather as a 3 month long
depressive purge.