I'm going back to school in less than two weeks. "Will I make it?" has what I've been on my mind for the past week.
I am not a female, my gender identity does not match with the word "girl", but my family sure thinks so. I want to come out to them, but I have an extreme fear of stages, and I'd have to put myself on the potium to tell them,"Hey, I'm a boy." I fear I'd have to yell, scream, and chant for them to be able to hear my message and understand what I'm saying. Even then, would they except me?
My mother told me to wean myself off of my antidepressants because of the way they affected her. I didn't feel like arguing so I did it anyway. I wish I could continue to take them but the halfs of those pills left a bitter aftertaste I wish I could forget, because that taste made me feel better. I'm away from my pocket knife and that makes me want to unzip my arms from wrist to elbow, letting my stars and comets finally be free as the voices begin to silence and the shadowy creature wave goodbye.
I tell myself my body is a universe, to seem more beautiful, to see myself in a different light. My universe is haunted by demons though. The Suns that glow inside my eyes are dying from the unwanted shadows and orbs ******* them dry of life, they're about to burst, becoming a super nova. My vision is blurry and dotted, and all I can see are solar systems falling apart, turning into different variations of Hell, they're beginning to orbit nothing but obsessions and wanting to find love in the wounded parts of myself and others.
I know some people believe that you can't love others unless you can learn to love yourself. That isn't true. I've loved, I've loved others before, I haven't been able to find the right textbook that gives me step by step instructions on how to not see myself as a complete waste of air. I wish I could love myself, it seems I can temporarily do that when I'm with someone, but when my self esteem begins to leave, I know that's when it's going to end. I'd rather be left alone than be able to predict the end of my happiness. My 11:11 wishes, my blown away lashes, my lucky pennies, leave me. The wishes came true, they did, but didn't last as long as I wanted them to. I guess I'm my own fortune teller, in some way.
So, I ask myself, "Will I make it?" Because I know things are supposed to get better, and I know these downhills will eventually level out, but if I get low enough, I'm afraid there is not coming back up.

Day ONE:
She smiles at me
Day TWO:
He wants to be set free
Day THREE:
My reflection stares back at me
Unsure how to feel
About who I am
The body I have
Am I a girl (pink)
Am I boy (blue)
Some combination (purple)
Maybe neither (green)
I wish I knew
Then maybe
My reflection
Wouldn't look so sad.

Mirror Mirror on the wall

                                                     *******!

Why do you show me these things?
Every flaw
Every piece of me I wish I never had?

Showing me this, or that
That makes me the woman I NEVER WAS
That makes me want to give up
Question myself
Hate myself
Die

All you are


Is a false reflection noitcelfer eslaf a sI


My eyes, deceiving me
                Trained
                               By the voices
                                                       Of a thousand doubters

Mirror Mirror on the wall

                                             I REJECT YOU!


I vow to see myself
                                Not in the reflection of ingrained hatred

                                        *But through the eyes of someone who loves me

You know what it's like to sleep beside me
And wake up to my morning breath, you know
What it's like to sink yourself into my depths,
Together
You and I know everything.

A woman once told me
I was an open book with tattered pages and
I do not think I can agree with this, but
Whatever kind of book I am, you
Have taken the time to learn me
And sift through every page
Marking and highlighting
Your favorite passages
With your clay-stained, summer hands.

You have seen the rivers of light run through my eyes
And you know that I grew up without a family, live without a home, and
While you understand these things you also know
That they are not why my love for you
Is so strong, and I cannot thank you enough
For knowing that.

When your hands meet my flesh, they are not surprised that it is startled by itself
And take the time to soothe
The fearful currents running through it
Back to sleep.

When your eyes meet mine, I'm reminded that
I have never felt so familiar
In another person's gaze.

You ground me, rescue me from chaos on occasion by reminding me
That it is never too late to be new-

And I ought to slow down my hurtling mind
More often than I do
To tell you this,
And write to thank you.

some kid just called me 'sir'
an accident, I'm sure
still it felt pretty good
made it a bigger deal than I should

what if someday
it could be meant a different way
what if one day I could pass
as a boy and not a lass

a distant dream that's for sure
but what if happiness I could procure
I know a way, I know how
my parents just won't allow

simply I have to wait
until the day I can be not straight
two years, I can wait that long
simply pretend that nothing's wrong

Pinocchio

I want to be a real boy

not a lying decoy

wooden girl doll

a little too tall

lack of hips

couple snips

to get the hair

that I can bear

as mason jay

things’d be okay