That moment of loss for words,
The minute of deep thought,
The hour of irrational feelings,
The day of an unknown emotion

No one knows when that day will be,
Or how lost that hour will make you feel,
Or how long that minute will exist,
Or what will cause that moment.

I just met my moment,
Shoved aside my minute,
And am living in my hour.
My day is not yet over.

a touch
a look
a simple word
causes my whole body to freeze.
a shock wave sent through my body
unable to move
i am not afraid.
i invite this feeling inward and
i allow this emotion to swallow
my soul completely.
i see this light
warm
glowing
eternal
and let my body accept this presence.
i never intend to let this go
i always to want to feel complete
and whole.
for once i feel enough
for once i feel comfortable in my own skin
for once, i have accepted my soul.
as this light fades from my head to my toes
i allow all tension and all fear to
disappear.

gone
dissolved into the dark abyss and yet
i do not regret surrending myself
i feel complete and like all the hurt
was worth it to get to this moment.
i do not need another
i do not crave another
i do not need another to tell me i am good enough.
i need me
my love
my heart
my soul
my acceptance.
for in the end,
once the last word has been said
the last breath has been taken
the only person who will be my side
is me

I don't think deep thoughts every day.
I think of them when I'm alone in a car, with my headphones on,
And when I'm on a bus, when I don't have a friend to pass the time.

The buildings rush by me, and I concentrate on their cracks and blemishes
Only for those few seconds.

But in those few seconds:
I think about how that particular crack came to be,
Why that particular color was chosen,
Why they weren't able to afford a better house,
My favorite memories,
My best friends,
My favorite songs,
How poor our society is,
How I want to help,
How I know that whatever I do,
Things will always revert to what they were.

You want me to cut straight to the deep stuff,
To have intelligent conversation,
To ask me my opinion on everything.
You can ask me all you want,
But I already would have forgotten the answers.

Gosh, this silence kills me.
Call me crazy but I can perfectly hear faint whispers of all my past mistakes.
****--I keep reminding myself that my past doesn't define me.
Surely, the past that I am not fond of was a consequence of a ghost.
That ghost was and is me but not the better version of me that is attempting desperately to stop ******* up.
I am forced to live with all ghosts of myself whether I fess up to them or not.
Somebody please save me from what I am becoming, I'm so scared.
I don't know what happened-- I swear not too long ago I was a not well understood, ***** 17 year old.
Then, ugh. Man, life suddenly hits hard and it *****.
I want to go back in time- before I knew you existed, before my heart felt so heavy, before I was so bored that I would run back to anyone not to be lonely.
Speaking of loneliness: This cold, sickening late May Chicago weather makes me wish I wasn't so alone.
Seems impossible that my life is going to fall into place at this point.
Not trying to be dramatic- just don't know how to not let the people haunting me in my past affect my relationships with others I have yet to encounter.
I wish I could go back in time to my old self and hold my hand.
My last wish is impossible of course, yet I can pretend.
So here I go pretending I know everything and I'm just going to say this once and for all..............ITS OK.


I think.

Another bottle
Another thought
Take another shot
Well take two
No matter how many
I take I can't escape
The memory of you
I'll have another
Make this a double
Hell a triple of jack
Ignite a fire in my chest
But it's not the jack
That's causing the burn
It's the girl I'm trying to drink away