a hot summer night.
the world was a kiln
and we were clay,
hardening, sweating,
baking in it.

I walked by his door
and saw him—
left wide open like an invitation.
he was sleeping.
my father.

curled up in the fetal position,
no blankets,
just underwear.
the room dark
except for the faint
glow his iphone
lighting the back of his head
like a halo with low battery.
his iPad in front of him,
casting a pale blue wash
across his gut.
he looked like he was
plugged in.
dreams streaming through
a USB cord.

he looked so tired.
vulnerable.
like a deadweight puppet
left on stage
after the curtain’s dropped.

like he wouldn’t survive
whatever was coming next.

like he was still
just a kid
from small-town North Dakota
who wanted to fall in love
and did
but that mother left
years ago—
quiet as a predator
cutting his strings on the way out.  

and now he doesn’t
know how to move
without someone
controlling him.

so he just lies there—
the man
after the werewolf’s gone,
sleeping off the transformation.

breathing hard
in the electric glow
of a humming digital womb.

Numbers are something I used to adore,

They never changed—always the same.

I loved how they opened this door—

To a world with nothing being tame.

I liked being organised, in perfect rows,

Everything right, it had to be clear.

But now I know that it comes and goes,

And numbers can whisper what I fear.

They ARE everywhere—I used to smile,

Counting stars or tiles or days.

But now each digit feels like trial,

Measuring me in all these ways.

There are too many numbers in my mind,

Each thought a sum and each move a test.

Even my body is redefined,

By math that doesn’t let me rest.

I calculate all the words I say,

Their weight and worth, what they cost me.

I never thought I’d feel THIS way...

But numbers tell me who to be.

I stutter, words burn,
Lipton shades drench our desk,
I turn your world like a dollar,
But you were already rolled out

You might play my smile like a violin,
Those feline eyes, in there wounded design,
It is fur that can’t trim,
Shedding ****** like ashes,
Petting you, as the comforters descending,

Blood is a blooming bass,
Whispering,
“You fit in my vase,
The sun you may taste”

There lives a stranger in my head,
She sees everything I see,
Hears everything I miss.
She has long hair, endless that flows into a river
She has small eyes that disappear at night
She preys on love like ants on a sugar cube
She grows stronger in hurt
Her hands are long, wrap me up in an instant
Suffocate me with hate I've forgotten
She waits patiently for prey to present themselves
Destroys only what she loves
The rest of the world watches me
As I stand helpless

You've caused me pain and disappointment,                                            
                                                                ­                                                    
     time and again and in that
 moment,                                                        ­                
                                                ­                                                                 ­       
  I want to hurt you and see you writhe,                                              
                                                                ­                                                  
  make you feel no one 's on your
  side                                                          ­                                          
  Walk away when you reach out to
me,                                                             ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                   
Bare my teeth and make you bleed                                                            ­          
                                                                ­                                              
Show you my love
inconsistently,                                                  ­                                          
                      ­                                                                 ­                             
let you feel how you treat
me                                                               ­             
                                                                ­                                            
Ignore you when you try to
engage,                                                          ­                      
                                                                ­                                               
stomp my feet and not act my
age                                                              ­                  
                                                                ­                                                 
      Point my finger at you so I can
blame,                                                           ­                                         
                                                                ­                                                  
tell everyone so you'll feel
ashamed                                                          ­                      
                                          ­                                                                 ­     
Give you nothing but take all you
have,                                                            ­                                          
                      ­                                                                 ­                           
tell you you're weak because you feel
bad                                                              ­                    
                                                                ­                                          
Destroy your trust and your will to
live,                                                            ­      
                                                          ­                                                        
  take all I want and all that you give

You know I didn't get away,                                                            ­                  
                                                                ­                                            
   unscarred, unscathed,                                                       ­                                       
                                                                ­                                                    
  you don't think that I've paid,                                                            ­                            
                                    ­                                                                 ­                 
for the way that you behave                                                           ­                 
                                                                ­                                                  
  Must I have physical proof,                                                           ­                             
                                   ­                                                                 ­              
  scratches & black eye bruised,                                                         ­         
                                                                ­                                                      
  to show the harm that you can do,                                                
                                                                ­                                              
  when you get to run
loose                                                            ­                            
                                                                ­                                                  
You think you're so
innocent,                                                        ­                    
                                            ­                                                                 ­   
  God blessed, heaven sent                                                             ­       
                                                                ­                                                  
  but the truth is you are hell
bent                                                             ­                                             
                                                                ­                                                      
  to encase my heart in cement

Looking outside the window at tree, it sways gently
There is something soothing about it’s rocking motion.
Peaceful, it doesn’t worry.
Something slips through the cracks, as if the rocking breaks the mould.
The force in which some words come out, the spasm in an eye.
A head dips when praised, to hide the pressing of their lips.
Why must it feel this way?
Can one not rock just enough, never always ‘too much’.
Seizing forward with the rocks, grabbing onto threads to try stablise.

I still have hopes
I still have regrets
I have scars from guitars
And scratches from the frets
I still have dismantled pencil sharpeners
Sitting in my trash can
I still have trophies
From races I never ran
I still have the belt
I used to measure myself with
But perfect perfection
Might be a myth
I still have fears
I still have cares
I have a defective brain
And a need for repairs
I still have diary entries
From years long ago
I still have scars
That I will never show
I still have Valentine’s Day cards
I kept from second grade
And I could have told someone
But I was afraid
I still have thoughts
I still have autonomy
I have control
Over what I’m gonna be

Simon Says
The game is easy
When Simon Says to do it you do
But if Simon didn’t say you don’t
Simple right?
Simon Says is a game of control
To train the children to do what their told
Simon says shut up and sit down
Stare ahead and don’t mutter a word
Take these notes about Romeo and Juliet
Because that’s more useful than teaching how to pay rent
The Game is a system
To keep you in line
Why are you tired?
Simon didn’t say you could be tired
Tired of the burnout
Tired of the relentless pressure
Simon says if you don’t do well you’ll fail in life
But it’s all just a game of Simon Says
Right?

You’re about to give in
You’re collapsing
The walls are surrounding you
It makes you think
About life
Your past
The little details
Then you grow claws
Long mangy things you cannot control
They’re not part of you
But they have become you
It's not the end of the world
But it could be the end of you
You try to scratch at the walls
Bend them
Claw their insides out
But will it stop the walls?
Can they come to a complete standstill?
It is not you against the walls
It is you against time
Because in the end,
We are all up against the passage of time.
Don’t worry about the walls
Worry about the claws you make
Because each one defines a part of you
As they come from you
You make them what they are
And you can control that.