I won't remember the parties
Or the school events
Or the games
Because I never went to them

But this is what I will remember
I'll remember the late nights of homework
And having to wake up early the next morning
And being exhausted in my 9am class

I'll remember the stress that ate my *** alive
To the point where I would cry for 10 minutes straight
And then get back to work like it never happened

I'll remember having an anxiety attack after leaving my professor's office
Because she made me feel stupid about how I wrote my speech
And the moment I stepped outside
I let go of a breath I didn't know I was holding
Then, I started hyperventilating and crying

I'll remember working out in the gym
Because according to my doctor I was obese
And well exercise is a great stress reliever

I'll remember losing my grandfather my junior year
And being so sad and depressed that some days I wouldn't even go to class
And having to go home for the first time and see him not there

I'll remember going through a break up the summer before my junior year
And having my ex try to gain my trust so that he would get another chance
Still confused on whether I should or shouldn't by the way

I'll remember growing closer to some of my friends
And some of my friends distancing themselves from me
And barely spending time with my friends from home

I'll remember contemplating on dropping out
Or going to another school
Or trying to make my other dreams come true

I'll remember being in the financial aid office more times than I can count
Because I'm paying out of pocket for my education
Student loans, Pell grants, and financial aid
Still isn't enough to cover my tuition

I'll remember being moved off campus into smaller dorms
Sharing a room with my best friend
And fighting off creepy crawlers and critters that found their way inside
And missing classes because transportation either ran late
Or didn't come at all

Who knows what else I'll remember
Not done with college yet

Study.
Yeah, that'll get you places.
As the multitude of students waste away hours,
Studying, stressing, vomiting, anxious,
The hope that we'll eventually reach our dreams,
Yeah, that's barely what keeps us going.

We know our parents are pushing,
Always pushing,
For us to have the life they dreamed of,
But never had.

Do they ever think?
Does it ever cross their mind,
That maybe we don't want that?
Or maybe we want to make them happy,
So we push ourselves farther than we can go,
Just to keep them thriving,
For the last few years of their lives.

So instead of them checking on us,
Making US happy in our own life,
We are pushed, told,
"Study Harder" and "It's worth it!",
But I get the feeling,
Even with a university degree,
I'll still end up depressed, anxious,
And be worried about the future,
And with a debt that will just keep growing.

I'm terrified of the where.
of the how
of the when
and of the why
I feel like all the breath in my lungs is only there for a moment
i cant wrap my brain around the idea of rejection
job rejection
life rejection
love rejection
i love rejection
or as some would think
i just feel like I have the worst luck in the world which is a horrible thing to imagine because i know, i promise i know that there are people out there who dont have a roof over there head or a support system
support systems are great
support systems are suffocating
push me around and tell me that i failed
tell me that i ****** up
tell me that im not actually the great intelligent person that you keep
making me out to be.
that is me
that is me
but maybe in another life
another century
another world
another being
any other day my mood would be high and i would be filled with
young hope
young feelings
young thoughts
young words that fill my brain with positivity and possibilities
possibilities that are endless
endless failures come with those possibilities
unfortunately
unfortunately i am stuck
I am stuck within myself
full potential is reached not by the support of others
but by the support that your soul gives unto you
unto you is your soul that screams for you to do better
be better
be smarter
no wait thats your brain
right?
does the soul control the thoughts of the brain?
or is the brain the enemy in all this
the logistics are complicated but the soul shouldnt be
right?
RIGHT?
REJECTION *****
REJECTION HURTS
REJECTIONS IS GROWTH
but when does the plant grow if there isnt sunlight
water
love
im not saying that im not loved
i am very loved by many
but is it enough
when your brain tells you it isnt
success is everything
money is everything
power is everything
right?
RIGHT?
but what do I know.
I'm just a kid sitting on a pillow

I don’t believe in the future. I’ve spent almost all my life knowing that I’ll never make it there. That one day I’ll finally get the courage to end the time line. I know that no one will miss me anyway. I see all these people who tolerate my existence. After a week they’ll forget I ever existed. I see me parents. Their tense marriage. I’m the reason that tension is there. I ruined their lives with my presence. They would take a month then realize how much money their saving and maybe even fall back in love. They’ll be fine. My old class mates would perhaps like and comment on a face book post about how tragic my inevitable fate was but, that would be all. I know that the world will keep turning without me yet I’ve never pictured the world turning with me still here. I still can’t see a future past this year. I’ve never considered it a possibility. I don’t know what I’m doing because I never thought I’d make it this far. I fear the future that I never planned for more than the oblivion I’ve been avoiding. Maybe tomorrow I’ll finally be courageous enough to end it. If not. Maybe the next day or a month from now because I don’t believe in the future or rather I don’t believe in my future.

i started out with one
and that doubled
someone's son
has gotten me in trouble

unsure of where to go
unsure of what to say
unsure of what i know
unsure of which way

i know i like the one
maybe in love with two
the third is fun
but how do i choose