i am overwriting you
i buy your favourite perfume
just to mix it with ammonium
make myself sick at the thought of it
i wear the lingerie you left
until my bigger ******* break the seams
of your c cups
i read the pages of your favourite book
just to tear them out afterward
i make coffee just to pour it down the drain
i wear pink until it’s just another colour in the spectrum
i wear the dress you loved on me and other people love it on me too
i take friends to the places we went, just so they aren’t yours anymore
nothing i have belongs to you now

i do the things you wish you could
i kiss other women
i ****** an older man, just to tick it off my list
i sit in lace i bought with the money i would have spent on you
touch the juice of citrus to my wrists and sip sweet tea
i spend weeks on the other side of the world
sit in the sun until my rings leave white lines on bronze skin
buy myself a moonstone to replace the necklace you got me
bathe myself in rose water, rub my skin with cocoa butter
aloe vera, tea tree, sea salt
scrub until you've not touched a single cell of me
brush my hair like i used to brush yours
softly, softly, slowly
cut it all off just to grow it out again


do not misunderstand me
i do not regret loving you
no force on this earth could do that
it’s just -
your mistake was so sudden.
the love had to go somewhere else
so i poured it inside myself instead
there is so much of it, you see
an abundance, honey golden and sweet
a lifetime full, my body made enough for you forever
so i cut ravines, redirected the source into the sea
all this love you could have had, i’ve given it to me.

i got a Bukowski tattoo
because of you.

i'd lay in your bed
and stare at your book shelf.
you smoked a cigarette
and drank your wine
from a cup.
you both ******
for the same reasons.
i'd grab the book
sitting on your night stand,
reading to you.
it's like you knew
his story.

i miss people i've never met
their imaginary faces stick to my eyes
relationships i could have if i was there
at some point
stuck watching them unfold without me on the t.v.
i miss people i've seen on screens
no flesh and no bones
only heartless machines

i miss places my soles didn't even scrape
taking busses people suffer through every morning
daily routines i'll never have and apartments i can't afford anyway
i miss being in coordinates
kissing the skies on buildings
taller than they come here
geotagging myself where i see myself
not on my bed
tilting nights colliding with my head

In an era where used cars are “pre-owned”
And ****** are hard to come by
I search back alleys for a sign of life
All the flowers died in my apartment
A lover tells me it’s from the cold
He hated it and so did they
I thought he meant of the winter
I spent the last 5 years meat free
My cats hate me because
I can’t share plums with them
I plant the pits but they never grow
A different lover tells me that isn’t how plants work
I’ve never been smart
But any good man likes a starving *****
Except for the ones that matter
So i wink at the guy in the produce section
His daughter asks if I’m a witch
I say yes
But he’s too committed to a piece of metal
To visit my apartment
Of death and empty flower pots
I wear a lot of black
But my favorite color is yellow
I want yellow shoes
But I’m afraid they’re too brash
So i wear olive heels
And pin stripe dresses
And heart shaped sunglasses
Because spring is here
And everything is warm
But my flowers still will not grow
I always thought he meant they didn’t like the winter
But he always meant my heart

little dark girl with
kind eyes
when it comes time to
use the knife
I won't flinch and
I won't blame
you,
as I drive along the shore alone
as the palms wave,
the ugly heavy palms,
as the living does not arrive
as the dead do not leave,
I won't blame you,
instead
I will remember the kisses
our lips raw with love
and how you gave me
everything you had
and how I
offered you what was left of
me,
and I will remember your small room
the feel of you
the light in the window
your records
your books
our morning coffee
our noons our nights
our bodies spilled together
sleeping
the tiny flowing currents
immediate and forever
your leg my leg
your arm my arm
your smile and the warmth
of you
who made me laugh
again.
little dark girl with kind eyes
you have no
knife. the knife is
mine and I won't use it
yet.