I am not rough around the edges
I am not a badass,
and I do not worship the devil,
well, not the way you think I would.
I definitely do not sacrifice babies
unless I were having an abortion.
There is no such thing as Jesus
and I don’t pray to God,
but I will say his name in vain.
The only thing I believe in
is myself,
and that’s only on a good day.

I have crucifixes hanging on my wall
in all directions and sizes as decoration.
Antique Jesus stares at me
when I ******* in bed,
or get high in my living room.
That’s sacrilegious, I know.

My rituals don’t involve
naked women and blood,
but rather bubbles baths
with a side of red wine.
I’m sorry to tell you,
but I am just an average somebody.

am i allowed to be jealous of the people
who are my age and sometimes younger,
that have the things that i want in life
but weary that they will ever happen to me?

the babies, the love, the marriage, the house.

i don't even know if i want children
but the thought of being the only one without
terrifies me to no end.

i am 28 years old with a path
that i should have been on when i was 22.
i will be done school with a bachelor's when i am 30 years old.
i have dated upwards of 10 people in that time
with no prospects of a future with any.

this might be inspiring to some,
but to me,
this is downright laughable and brokenhearted.

i hope you can take it back
that thing you said last Thursday
when we were driving in your car
with the windows down
and the sunset glaring

i wont forgive you
even if your knees get ******
we've talked for days
but i cant even look at you in the eyes
you're never going to be the person
that i once knew

if we rewind
to the moment where i first touched your hand
id rememebr how it felt
when i thought you were the one
that walked into my life for a reason

waking up alone with pillows on either side of my body
I turn over to look at the ***** white wall
my stomach gurgles because it wants coffee
my eyes water at the thought of you
I sit up and there's a cat at the end of the bed
I put my feet on the cold linoleum
I slowly walk toward the kitchen
there is a congo line of ants across the floor
it's that time of year again
I prepare my coffee with half an extra scoop
the smell reminds me of that time
we talked in a coffee shop for 3 hours
I come back to earth when I hear a meow behind me
I eat cereal from the same bowl i used from the night before
the coffee maker beeps when it is done brewing
i grab a vintage cup from the cupboard and pour
just like when i poured my heart out to you
and you left me on the bridge alone
i sit on the couch and reread texts from a few months ago
today is the same day as yesterday
the only difference is your ghost is haunting me

"be present" he said, as he traced my face with his rough hands.
i laid there naked studying his hazel eyes
as i said, "i can't help but think about my future with you."
i never was present in the presence of this man. he took my breath away and i died a million little deaths that night.

like bell hooks once said,
"you don't fall in love, you simply decide to love."
but how soon are you allowed to decide?

if the timer runs out and no one says it,
what happens next?

is it a race to decide to love the person
you spend almost every second thinking about?

is there a right time to say it?
a specific number of days or months
and if you say it before, are you banished to the
'too soon freak out zone'?

every now and then
a surge of uncertainty
plagues this racing mind
i have been hurt before
one too many times
am i going to fall in love
just to break my own heart
are you going to stay
even if i try to ruin this?