I tell myself that I had to go through everything I went through because this is the path that's been written for me. I had to be friends with a girl whose shoulder I cried on multiple times because "my grandpa was sick". It wasn't a lie. It was merely a concealment of my own sickness. My first time going out with a guy had to be me third-wheeling on her date. I had to go to a party just to fall apart on the bathroom floor wondering if this is the last time I feel its coldness, your alligator tears knocked on the locked door asking me to release the broken reflection of me in your eyes. I dreamt of the day I had to travel distances away just so you get hurt a little bit, cry on this shoulder of mine and it be my tears' turn to play disguise.

On New Year’s Eve I told myself
It will get better
This year will be different
I will be stronger, prettier, happier
But now summer is over
It gets colder
And it is still me who is
lying on the bathroom floor
at 3 a.m
crying and praying to god that
Next year will be different

im a mess,
lying on my bathroom floor,
its cold
and its wet
but that fact i feel that at all
makes me stay where i am
the cold reminds me
of an hour before
but even then
i still couldn't get that off my mind
even if i were in my bed wrapped warm and whole
i would never forget
her hands in yours
pulling you down a winding path
in the other direction of the what i
thought was our home
your eyes shone with glee
raking her up and down
in that short red dress
despite the cold whipping wind
snapping at my cheeks
that were freshly streaked
with all the promises you made
all the soft touches you gave
all the long nights we shared
in what i thought was our bed
in what i thought was our home
in what i thought was true love
in our love
but i was wrong
and now
like the time before i met you
im a mess once more