Misery was her name.
"fill the void," she prayed
she felt an emptiness in her
r i b c a g e
but her illness was never vain
perhaps, it kept her sane
the paradox of pain.
-Erica Marie Roach

When our mind is set in one way, it is easier to live our life.
When our mind is seeing two opposite things, it is draining and difficult.
When anorexia consumed me, it was easy: don't eat.
When my family made me get help, I started seeing another side.
"It is okay to eat".
When your mind is telling you two extreme opposites, it is emotionally and physically draining, makes me tired physically and mentally.
The emotional battle.
The heaviest thing would be the fork to my mouth, to finish the long difficult stride from the fork to my mouth, or to hide the food in my pockets so my family thinks I ate it.
Give in to my stomach roaring like a lion and tame the lion, or to ignore it like how I have usually done and feel myself getting skinnier to give in to the demons.
It was more distinct and different than: night and day, black and white, fire and water.
I was having a civil war with myself,
Constant battling and war in my head
"Eat" or "Don't Eat"
This was much harder than having only one thought in my mind.

My best friend's nickname is Ana.
No one can see her, but only I can feel her, everybody can see her in me.
I take it as a compliment because I am winning.
But everyone who says they love and care for me sees it as me losing and need help.
But I am winning and don't need help, winning at being the skinniest, winning at eating no calories. Winning at seeing and feeling the bones spike through my body. Doing all of this with the help of my best friend Ana. Shes all I need.
Why does everyone say I am losing, when I am winning?

The girl in the mirror will always be a stranger to me
Whenever I see her, it is always mixed feelings
One day, I see her as pretty and confident
(which is a new sight for me to see)
Another day, I see her as someone that no one will ever want to take a double take at
She sometimes looks fat
She sometimes looks skinny
I can see all her physical flaws every time I look at her
Never will I know her

We all have our addictions, whether it's big or small, or good or bad
Growing up, she had her addiction to the normal things:toys, hugs,love
But teenage years came along as well as her hormones
Always hungry
Always eating
One fateful day, someone she loved told her she was fat
Just like that, she changed
Always hungry
Never Eating
Her new addictions: starving, losing weight, coming to love they way her bones spiked through her skin as if they wanted to jump out
We all have our addictions, where it's big or small, or good or bad

Everyone has a general feeling of their own mind
She did not quite understand exactly how her mind was like
Until she started writing down all her feelings
Writing them down felt like she was organizing her own thoughts
Like looking at each small picture and then taking a step back to see the bigger picture, and fully understand it
She finally understood how her mind was like now
Hers felt so much pain and sadness
So gloomy
It was a quiet rain storm
The only thing she heard in her head was the demons telling her:
"don't eat"
"you're not good enough"
"no matter how hard you try to be special and be someone for someone, it will never happen".

How does one openly share
With many strangers in a room
All the atrocities and scars
That mark your impending doom

Always leading with the heart
Has left it broken and rather dead
Causing the mind to eventually take over
Numbing you down to invisibility instead

Simply wishing to fade away
Into vast webs of silent misery
While a boisterous and opposing point of view
Keeps aiming for your victory

Strong-armed, not so gently, into a situation
That leaves you stripped down, sullen, and bare
Brings about complete and utter discomforts
All of which, you hope no one is aware

Longing for some connection
Though fearful of the start
Freezes you into a silence
Unable to be of any part

Your tongue becomes sluggishly thick
Appearing knotted, twisted, and tied
Oblivious to the surroundings
While your brain is quietly being fried

Amid the haze, a courageous voice is heard
   sharing pieces of a story
With similarities to that of your own
Sending reassurance throughout a weary head
That there is no longer a need to feel so lost and alone

Kneel before me at your white porcelain altar.
Sacrifice the bits of pieces you had stashed away inside,
Place them inside the holy not holy water.
Watch each piece and place where they were from.
Sacrifice to me
For I am your goddess.

Your martyrdom will be known throughout
For you died for the lives of animals, for their rights to live
By being staked- refusing steak
Not for the 679 other reasons you decided to say no.
Die a martyr for me
For I am your goddess.

Wear red rubies along your wrists.
No one will ask where they’re from or how long you’ve had them
But they will shake in fear for this rosary- your rosy cheeks
Is as holy as the blood I too have shed for you.
Bear my symbol
For I am your goddess

Do not fear the day I come to meet you at the gates.
Stand in your doorway arms outstretched.
Await me for I await- will weigh you.
Sleep at night and dream of my loving embrace
and my second coming,
For I am your goddess

Feel my not hands touch your not waist
And my not lips kiss your not face
For this is not me and this has never been you
Because you are a child
And I am a goddess