it hurts
the cliche “eternal ache” in my bones
it spreads
a strange hollowness
a dull pain
a small price to pay for the continuance of this disease i once asked for
it never occurred to me that i could reach this stage
lightheadedness
low heart rate
bruises upon bruises upon bruises
i thought there was no way to concentrate any less than i already did until this
it seems as if i’ve forgotten whole years of my life
ask me about a year and i’ll remember that’s when i tried to **** myself
but wait was that really 2016?  
or was it 2018?
it might’ve been both
i remember in 2019 i had the most traumatic argument of my life
i moved a lot
2018 i was severely depressed
did 2017 even happen?
essentially, i don’t know
i never know
i didn’t know i would lose my train of thought a few words into speaking
that when i ramble i wouldn’t be aware of what i was saying
who knew someone’s chest could clench so much when reading a nutrition label?
that a few grams of sugar was enough to make me put down my favorite food
my feet, on and off the scale, every morning at 5
my hands, measuring my wrists and how far up my arm i can wrap my fingers
my fat, fat fingers
my schedule
unintentionally planned
daily morning bagel, half peanut butter for protein, half cream cheese for enjoyment
no lunch
never lunch
no snacks
a fourth of what’s served for dinner at his house
the max is half
talk, put the fork down, drink water
constant thoughts
constant rules
constant fear
i didn’t know this would be a consequence
i didn’t think this would happen to me
no one does
the ache continues to spread
until i am enveloped
and i know
i can no longer escape