When I speak of youth,
I do not mean the wrinkles under my eyes.

I refer to all the moments
That are so far away-
The scents that I can barely taste.
It’s all foggy now;
My skin is baggy now


How come they never told me
How quickly
You are no longer
Young
The world you were presented
Is no longer the real one
&all the cards you opened on Christmas
Are covered in script
From hands that are long gone
When I speak of youth
I speak of sunshine in the afternoon
The whole world feeling brand new
I speak of 90s movies in the living room
My moms hair
Spilling out of a clip
A Virginia slim
Hanging off her lips
She sits on the porch
With her legs crossed
I lay in the grass
After a bad round off
I look up through the branches
&see a cloud that looks like mountains
My brother screams heads up
As a football pegs me for a landing
I sit up and cry
My mom gets the ice
My brother says to breathe
That itll be alright
I blink the tears from my eyes
And when I open them
You’re a thousand miles away
I’ve got a 30 year old face
And my son looks just like you
But in a different way
It’s been years since I knew you were okay
I miss you everyday

We are moments
Bound by bones.
Brought to life,
By heart and soul.
You are real
though you are just a sequence of light.
A hologram held still
in my line of sight.
Like guitar strings plucked,
A vibration of life.
You’ll echo through me
Long after I’ve died.  
And soon we will be
Consumed by time,
Melted clocks over branches…
Swept away by the tides.

But I feel you now…
In this moment, right here.
You’re the only thing I’m sure of,
So you’re the only thing I fear.  

Maybe if we
Just stay very quiet,
The world will keep moving
And we’ll slip right by it.

If only I could hold you,
Til the end of time…
I could die knowing
I lived a good life.

Stop waiting for fair
Stop trying to forgive
Nature is beautiful
And savage
And in the end,
Unbeatable

She will continue
With
Or without you.
She does not stop
To tally the ways we've broken her
She does not stop
To try to understand our actions
She understands
That the motions around her
Are out of her control
And she simply has too much
To keep in order
To pay attention to us


And though our actions
Make her have to work even harder
She does what she must
And though sometimes it feels
As if we are the ones in control
We are but a chapter in her story
A chapter that changes her
Irrevocably
A chapter that hurts her
And takes her beauty
To display on our walls
But she does not stop to worry
Or to remind us
Of our roles.
She simply continues on
In the understanding
That this world is hers.

Silence is like an old house.
The longer it goes untouched,
The more the damage spreads.
The home was left last loved and filled with warmth.
Laughter rang through the doorways,
And the sturdy floorboards held us high.
Much how I left you, with love and warmth and laughter.
And when I said goodbye I thought that light would last forever.
But just as the home grew weary in absence,
Such did you and I.
With no maintenance, the structure weakened as the days went by.
And speaking again after so long,
Felt as if I'd reentered that home.
I placed a foot on the hardwood
And expected it to not have changed.
But the plank was soft beneath me now,
And it no longer felt safe.
I was shocked at this idea,
That doing nothing
Could dismantle everything.
But in all those things I never said,
The darkness was able to
Crawl into your head,
Because it was more comfortable
Than the longing.

Anxiety.
Shes taken so much from me.
I placed her on people
And situations.
But it was simply her and I,
Our voices shaking.

From the beginning,
I tried to escape her.
But she was so rooted
Inside of me.
My only release
Was to turn it all off
And trust the ground
In front of me.

Simple things,
Simple moments,
Became nightmares
And real fears
To look someone in the eyes
And try so hard to feel
absolutely
nothing

I could say it was the loss
I could say it was that night
But its not true

On the best day
With the best people
She tells me
I'll never be enough

And I can feel it,
I feel her right now.
Its the only way she let's herself out
I breathe
Steadily
Unsteady
My heart races
And slows
So that I start to feel sick
And you're looking at me
Wondering
What the hell im thinking
And I just want you to see
That I'm strong
But she's winning
As I sink
And I plan for her arrival
I look for the softest ground to land on
I try to inhale the fresh air
Until it fills my lungs
But the room starts to fade
And I know its her time
I count to 10
But usually don't make it to 5
And when I wake
To faces I've never known
They look away and laugh
And I just wish I was home.
I pick myself up,
Dust myself off
And fight the urge to explain myself
to the people that can't see her.

The stress sickens me.
It fights me as I swallow it down.
Like tentacles sticking to the inside of my throat,
Desperately trying to get out.
How do others suffer in silence?
How do they fight the tears away?
I look in the mirror and do not know myself.
I see only the pain.
I see concern when others look at me.
And even moreso when I pretend.
It is grotesque to watch,
As I battle myself within.
The words could be the same words
I used when I was at my best,
But they do not translate how they used to,
As my voice breaks and my heart beats out of my chest.
I've torn every bit of skin from my nail beds
And my mouth.
I've brought blood to the surface
More times than I can count.
I do not wish for more relationships,
Or anyone else to bring down.
I simply wish that it would stay inside me
Until no one else is around.
I should lock myself inside these walls,
Until I get back who I was.
But I fear the longer I am alone,
The further she will run.
And when I look into my baby's eyes,
I know I must allow it.
All the judgements, all the concerns,
And that there is no option to hide it.
I will shred myself down to the bone
And let them all see within.
I hold my son close against me,
And I know I would do it all again.

As he watched her walk past,
I asked,
"Did you used to date?"
He shook his head,
And said,
"No we never dated,
But I have clothes still at her house.
And her mattress remembers the shape of my body.
No we never dated,
But her old toothbrush rests in the second drawer.
And my mother misses her when she goes to their favorite store.
She refuses to look at me when I'm out with you.
And when you are gone, I know she will come.
But no,
We never dated."