My voice of hope leapt into the air
****, the way it spread everywhere,
but ****,
you didn't hear a thing -
you couldn't even feel those decibels ring.

How optimistic was I,
that this message
would pass all the way through
it's trajectory,
yearning for it to land to you -
from me.

How occupied you are now
the epoch of us has gone,
I just wanted you to know
I still think of you
despite it being
so long.

I can't just write without purpose
that would be too easy
and I definitely couldn't write about you again
the subject of all my thoughts -
my entire content -
the centre of it all.
This time
this time, they say, it will be different
we will rewrite our stories with something new and unimaginable
this time
this time.

When I was three
I must have been free
From all this fear now surrounding me
But as I got older
The world just got colder
And I was overwhelmed with a feeling I could not take it for much longer.


My mum told me to get a ******* grip
‘How else are you going to survive on this life long trip?’

I replied, ‘But mum all the innocence has gone,
the world is not right…everything is wrong.’


It didn’t take a day
And it didn’t take a week
It just took some other time
For me to realize
The path to seek.

I’m looking for freedom.

When you died
I beat my chest
in utter despair
in utter distress.

When you died
I screamed your name
the pain
the pain
it was all to blame.

When you died
I kissed your head
and thought of all the words I should have said.

Up you left
into the sky
your soul
your soul
I saw it fly.

Many dreams
so I walked for miles
the blistering heat beating ******* my shoulders
and my heart beat racing against time -
winning every illusory race.
Footsteps -
it brought me right to your doorstep
but you weren't home.

And I searched for you in all the seasons
but all four told me they hadn't seen you -
for a while -
and it had been a while since we had synergised
to create a euphoria only we felt.

An interloper -
somewhere that had once been so familiar
and I was reminiscent of an ethereal being.
Although incredulous of the falsity of my prior truth,
how could I not -
begrudgingly accept the reality of our ephemeral world.

6 months on,
Everything is stale,
Nothing has grown since you've been outta town,
6 months on,
But it seems so long,
Pushing past your memories like they're somewhere they don't belong,
6 months on,
You're still in my head,
Can't forget seeing you on your death bed,
6 months on,
Looking up at the sky,
Please forgive me for all the tears I have cried.

I wanted to let you know what I did last night
it went something like this
and I think you'll be surprised...

I met Sheila who lives two roads down
and you'll never believe what we saw in town...

The fireworks took off like rockets in the sky
the joy on children's faces
it was enough to make you cry

I saw a lot more
but of what I can't say
because the point of my story
is what I'm just about to convey

Whatever we witnessed,
I observed a lot more,
I was omniscient of every thought,
of every emotion, of everything,
I felt it all
deep within.

I don't want to cause dissension
as I can imagine you don't believe
but what I say is true
and one day I hope you'll see.

The magic of it all
and I think you'll be surprised
is you can feel it too -
if you only close your eyes.

We took the photos down from the wall
we couldn't bear to look at them all.
But thoughts of you crept in my mind
they never were far behind.
I tore through the pages of the photo albums
trying to remember
but my mind was so clouded.
A younger you and a younger me
my heartbeat raced
it was trying to break free.
It broke everyone when you left
1 - 2- 3 we were missing a guest
the missing seat
the missing card
my mind tormented, my mind scarred.
Still -
unable to utter to the others
the pain swirling inside still undiscovered
still unwilling to escape
surely your exit was a mistake.
The emotions of loss come in the unlikeliest of waves
and I thought of us then, in the sea
memories that I cannot suppress.
Walking past the living room,
where I expect to see you smile
but no one is there and they haven't been for a while
All our lives, they flow like waves
I will think of you
the rest of my days.

While we stood together
we were miles apart
I did not want you to be connected to this
a frequency not quite there
yet.
While sorrow still crept through me
you were so so still unaware of it all
a life untouched by pain
if only if only.
As I connect with my memories
healing slowly
I will know you are there
and we will be together.

What a life
and what a time
how crazy we were
when you were mine.

The difficulty of remembering what was said
the fleeting memory
probably better left unsaid.

Our journey alone
Although impossible to be
Lonely
In this place
Encounters infinite
Time travels
New worlds begin
We begin again alone
Yet not

A love I loved,
A love I lost,
A love they told was not for us.
A love they said the universe does not wish well,
A love that sent my mind into turmoil.
A love that has been forced to be left in the past,
No matter the repercussion on those two broken hearts.

Hit the gas so hard
I guess then it was too soon
there was not even a chance to enjoy that honeymoon-
period because we were so enraptured by it all
but now this unadorned love is something I cannot recall
it really is alien to me
I was more accustomed to the magic you see

The interminable talks of you and me
psychoanalysing what used to be

This sense of foreboding
we both know what's next
now the ecstasy has gone
all I can do is wish you well
for the heartache has gone on for far too long

Please wait for me
I won’t be long
I’m just trapped in this world
Where I don’t belong.

Please don’t make me go
I never want to leave
I wish to stay forever in this joie de vivre

If only for a moment you could understand
The beauty I have experienced in this vast rapturous land
My beatific stance you cannot deny
Look closer at the sublime wonders captured in my eye.

Please paint another path
Which doesn’t lead to home
There are far too many roads left
Which I am yet to roam.

I came here a lot when dad was ill
and it really made me feel -
like I just couldn't breath
suffocating in silence
with nothing to
appease -
the pain
the loss of love
it is so insane.

It's not a unilateral decision
when you decide to leave earth
it really affected everyone
but I know you would argue
you didn't have a say
and maybe I am just looking for someone to blame
because the aching heart
is an unreasonable thing
Oh and what a double entendre,
a funny thing.

Your equivocal life
I didn't seek to know enough
now we all sit around your boxes of stuff
your books of Tolkien stand proudly in their place
life's journey
what a race
but you
you finished too early
and now You are gone
my dear
so many tears
and I will play the saddest of songs.

Palm trees towering over me
The delicate blue sky evoking the sea
How I long to remain in this company

Dragonfly you pass me by
Not noticing the wonder in my eye
If only you could see the awe you inspire

A travellers mind it is hard to grasp
How much we have seen
How much we have passed

The colours of the world never cease to amaze
The busy people hurry on
While I stop and gaze

A voice that travelled across the sea
how far it travelled to get to me

If only I could send my response back
I would throw all my words into the wind
hoping,
it would do just that

He said, how often do you come here.

When I’m bored, I replied.

He asked if he could join me, I said if you must.

Playing it cool like the ice in my glass.

We spoke and we smoked,

We drifted and we drank,

We left together that night.

We had the most bizarre conversations

and he fitted me like my best Kurt Geigers.

I love him, I thought,

but I didn’t,

I enjoyed his company

and the alcohol allowed us to connect,

We said things we never would, had we been sober.

That night, I knew him better than his wife.

Sad isn’t it, to think,

your deepest darkest secrets were revealed to a stranger,

and not the one you claim to love.

Not the one who wears a rock to symbolise your eternal love.

He asked me, will you go to that place again?

If I’m bored, I said.

When the oceans freeze over
and the sky forever black
it will be too late
to ask for humanity back

Watching the passing of hours
We thought the world was ours
It belonged to us
and we belonged to it.
The oceans roared
while we heard the crowds applaud.
In perfect parallel they echoed what we already knew...
This world,
this World,
it belongs to You.

Solitude summoned me into it's lonely arms once again
and I told you
I'll be right back

Busy man racing down the street
busy man you never notice me
but everyday we meet.

An appellation for the crowd
the sea of suits
and would I ever be their newest recruit.

Busy man won’t you take the time
to paint the skies
with the colours you saw once before
because your only actions now are ones I deplore.

Busy man please don’t be facile
we have a colourful life
and it is one you must fulfil

How many love songs will I write,
To get my lonely heart through the night?
I don’t miss you in my bed,
Because of all the cold words you said.
You chewed me up and spat me out,
There is nothing more to talk about

Well I had to immerse myself in something otherwise the sorrow would have swallowed me whole

Feeling at the top
like I climbed the Alps.
Man, I realised I had to
before time ran out.

The tenacity in all my being
I was never going to stop
now this, you're seeing.

However, it wasn't so long ago,
I felt so low,
a deep unrest inside of me continued to grow.
All the while I knew it wouldn't last
but I knew I would
and I knew My Path.

How ephemeral our feelings can be
that's why I never let them get the best of me.

By my own admission, I will admit
although not there yet,
the apex I will meet.

Your eyes gently close
I hold you closer to me
The closeness of sleep

You sat on my bed and told me that we needed to speak
I hadn't even finished putting on my new bed sheets
so -
I really wasn't ready to have this conversation
and I was so tired
You told me things are black and white but I just shook my head
and I told you
there are so many colours in between
but I wasn't going to paint your world for you.

I was so conscious of your conscience
like a corrupt politician
too many contrasting thoughts you were thinking
and we were now at war
too complex to resolve
too easy to dismiss
unwilling to hear any words dispersed from the others lips
every syllable missed
but I thought about what Dad would have wished.

We thought we had learnt from the past
but there was still the same rage
and it really was just another day
we were thinking with the same minds
no clear blue sky.

The cold wind
it called me in
and wrapped around me
like the bow of sin.
We walked for miles and shed our mistakes
it's funny how much can happen
in one heartbreak.
We met the wise man that told us what we already knew
the secrets of this world
were not secret to me and you.
Dropped to the ground and kissed his feet
I begged for him to save me from this defeat
and he said he would
he only knew how
a lesson can be learnt in the here and now.
The cold wind
it let me go
it unwrapped quickly and dropped off like a bow.

He spoke,
The words poured into my heart.
He left,
The crumbled letters burst out like thunder from the heavens.

December what a cruel month you can be
and so deceiving.
Tears remain hidden behind presents and bows
advent calendars are opened -
and disguise the woes.

The lonely barren trees
will cast the most magnificent of shadows
despite yearning for the warmer fruitful months
to be upon them.

His cri de coeur was not as clandestine
as he thought
and his solitude was louder than the barren trees
screaming and wailing it called to me.
There I stood
on the coldest day
and with no uncertainty of what he needed to see -
I told him:
Nor I, nor you, can be defeated by the winter months
for the most magic moments are often defined in the cold
and now we were old -
infinitely enamoured by what we had discovered.

The promise of the burning sun -
you never stop to shine,
even in
December.
Your rays are sublime
how
blinding this light,
this light of mine.
It is within me
and all of us
combined.

Whatever you do,
you'll fall from grace,
at some time
at some place.
But my darling,
whatever you do,
fear not,
this is only one part
of a much larger plot.

Can I get a taxi
because I need to go home
too long along these cobbled streets I have roamed.

I am not a wanderer nor a rolling stone
My quest has always been to guide myself home

Wait a moment
while I sit by your side
and remind you of the fondest memories your mind has left behind

Won't you remember the summers in the park
you pushed me so high on the swings that day
I felt like I was amongst the clouds, in a way
and I suppose I was
so enraptured by it all
but soon the summer left us
and we were trapped in fall

You my dear, well by then, you had forgotten it all.

All the secrets in your head
you say they're better left unsaid
but if you dared to let another know
a weight will lift and your strength will show

The juxtaposition of me and you
contrasting against what we had been through

I would love to be able to speak to you
Do you think it could ever come true?
The only time is in my dreams
And I’m not always sure what it means.
Last night you told me to be strong
But how can I when I haven’t seen you in so long?
I wish my pain would sail away
Into the ocean far away.
I wish there was a map to guide you home
It’s been too long that you’ve been alone.
I feel alone too without you by my side
I wish I could visit you in the sky.

We were so detached from the others
our voices sore and aching from the cosmic conversations which had before cluttered our minds but now dripped from our tongues like water on the leaking tap.
You and I, the explorers of this monolithic place,
where the inertia of it's inhabitants had spread like wildfire
we were the resistance.

Another year silently disappears
We look out at the bleak grey sky
There's something different
This time our trajectory is so so clear

We walked through the dirt
but our path was so absolute
The air was so crisp
Wind skimmed our face
Our journeys, they led us face to face

And there was nothing that we couldn't take
No element in this world we were unable to face
and that was the change
we changed it all
the inner voice -
we heard it call

I couldn't deny the words I heard
you heard it too
it was like a singing bird
a robin that wouldn't stop
and a message so distinct
we could never forget.

As the next year slowly draws in
what we know
we welcome it
with arms open wide.
It belongs to you,
the words echo in my ear
you must embrace it every single year.

I picked myself up
because that was the only option left
nothing in this universe could make me feel any less
than what I truly am
and the power inside me is ever so great
so vast and undeniable
that nothing can break

When do you know if you’ve found the one
Will I feel like my life’s begun
Am I going to look into his eyes
And see a beautiful mystical sunrise
Is he going to fulfil my hearts desire
Or will this love eventually tire?

Because you don’t hurt the one you love.
Our romance was cut short
Love abandoned
Something so pure dissolved like a tablet in water
No evidence that it had ever begun.

They told us to fly and I asked, how high? To the stars where you belong, was the honest reply.

We can’t live forever

This vessel wasn’t built to last for eternity

Life goes on

And I’ll see you in another life

Don't text me back
and don't make the bed
i can't quite stand you after all the foul things you said

can you let me go
because i want to leave
i am too tired
the universe has handed you your reprieve

my mind, my mind, you loosened the chains
now it is me
it is me that remains

Nearly a year
and you're still not here
the worst is over
nothing left to fear

I can't expect you to return
God knows best
but i still can't put my pain to rest

Can i relive my memories of you
no, stop
they are too true

You showed me magic
and what the pendulum said
I had never before met a wizard
and one that was so well read

how painful a world without the king of kings
but don't think i haven't noticed all the luck that you bring

you are far but not
as distance was constructed by man
i have to give thanks
as this was God's plan

Mind in overdrive
Should have let go
But it’s always easier to go with the flow
Should have left
A long time ago
We’re still the same and that’s the shame
By now we both should have changed
There is no path for us to take
There’s nothing left at stake
We should have left a long time ago
I hope somehow you find your way home

As we grew

We grew apart

a perfect picture

abstract art

where we once were intertwined

our lives now were uncombined

If only I could wish you happy birthday today
If only you were here in the present day
now all my poems surround your departure
the saddest day when I lost my father

Turning inwards
Looking at self
Less time to compare
To the outward space
Of physical worlds
Illusory escapes
No more
Turning inwards
Into the light
The sense of self