a dull ache, 
a crashing pain.
wistfulness from afar,
love from within.
a smile with watery eyes
disguising the heartache. 
tales pass through lips,
minds strengthening memories.
imagining him at your side,
knowing he won't be there,
but wondering anyway.
wanting to see the past
and stay in the present 
and experience the future.
thinking about whether 
you're meant to be
or if the finality will reign.
weather, cities, 
conversations, the world,
bringing you back 
to memories with him. 
his special touch 
stayed with you - 
and it will always stay.

our paths diverged for a while.
experiences and wisdom made their marks 
weaved themselves into our history. 
self reflection and maturity 
decluttered the space that we now inhabit.

when our paths converged again,
I was reeling from the impact.
my eyes and heart voraciously
immersed themselves in who he had become. 
the smallest details were of the most interest.

the convergence added to our foundation. 
the shared experience was sewn 
somewhere in the tapestry of our lives.
the bright red thread of our meeting
will always catch my eye.

yes. to escape the compression
of my identity, my voice, my freedom.
this compression is restricting
my breath. I'm at 1% now. 

all I want is to breathe
without the trauma coursing
through my body -
to stay away from the
physical embodiment of my pain -
to confide in certain people
without being blamed, minimized,
invalidated, shut down, or told off.

I don't know if
the last dream will come true. 
but i'm waiting for the day
when the other ones do. 
that day will be 
written in my history.

but for now,
the hope keeps me going.

it's a massive sigh,
almost an exhale of stress.
it's the tension unraveling 
from knotted shoulders.
it's when hearts stop running 
and simply stroll.
it's the moment of recovery
between profuse tears 
and hopeful reassurance.
it's the drop of calm 
that spreads over the lake.
it's when the sun stretches its rays 
from behind the clouds.
it's the beginning of the end
and the start of a new beginning.