Please, please, please,

be with someone who will buy you all of the hydrangeas off the shelves, who will wrap each bouquet with her naked hands.

Be with someone who will go to the moon for you, who will risk vertigo & seasick to bring you out to sea.

Be with someone who will buy you air tickets for every occasion, be in love in every city with you and romance you till 70.

Be with someone whose soul and heart will ache for you, Who will embrace you & accept you for all your flaws that they see stars within them.

Please, find someone who will name your Daughter after you ;because you are the most beautiful.

Please, be with someone that will carry you when you are weary, when you are sick, even when all she had, was spine full of injuries.

Please be with someone who understands, who has a soft heart. Who understands ego is lesser than, us, than, pride.

Lastly, be with someone who has the ability, stability to give you all the above.  

That I never did and never will.

Your initials popped up
on the corner of my screen
there wasn't any expectation
it was from you

upon opening after realising,
it was like the first time
we exchanged, words
a brief of melancholia

we have to clear things up
hastily packing, the scene so familiar
it'll be the last time -
i was greeted with doors
slammed into my face

I only want this, this and this
things that i no longer remember,
serve me no purpose,
please throw them away

what about your camera?
full of your faces
burn them into composites,
I was burning your face mentally

I hope down the road,
we can be neutral
my friends called you, *****
but I felt like a ***** every time

When night comes,
I lay my body
on every single bed I could find
I bare my heart
to every soul I chance upon

never filling it,
you left me empty,
incredibly, empty.

I walked into Cartier
Dark Blood Red
was their trademark
It was sophisticated

I had a catalogue of rings
placed in front of me
I was presented options
but you were clean and minimalistic
Rose gold, I thought

Visuals like merchandising projecting
our conversations on dresses, themes, flowers
how we'll travel the world, have a home
how our daughters will have my eyes
your nose and our names

we sat at the bay front
had a long conversation till 3 am
discussing how we are going to allocate our daughter's time with our parents, classes -
if they are going for ballet or musical classes

It was certain,
the air was greeted with a breeze
in silent acknowledgement

until now,
I only can blame
how some words fall apart
like the world does everyday

how love is never enough
how we are never enough
how I will never be enough

even if my bones are sore
to its nerves, I will be
Happy for you.


(I heard you are having a baby
I heard you are having a family
I heard you are happy & you chose her) - echoing

The bar was crowded
hanging were the lights
that will absorb you
into the night
because you stared so bright

It reflects
the animosity your eyes
was speaking to me
perhaps it was unicorn,
speaking concurrently

I am pulsating
the beat was at my throat
very much like my heart
on the edge for you

Tell me, hang - man
(I died, hanging for you)

The tea is hot
Despite the atmosphere
At 10 degrees
That was the last time
I had tea with you

I asked you for a picture
You stood beside me, awkwardly
My sixth sense could tell me why
I placed my hands on your shoulder
My heart was colder than the weather wrapped in many layers

I was admiring your beauty,
In that background
But you were even better,
My love, My love
I thought we were invincible

The last time you bath me
Was full of reluctance
I was a child seated on a stool
The bathhouse was fogged up
It was blurry, so was your love too

Lately, I start swimming intensely
There was no where
For my weariness to participate
But, only in the water

I used to hate it when
My goggles fogged up
Because then,
The water would be blurry
But look how,
I seemed to have embraced
This certain kind of callousness

I remember telling you
If ever one day,
You have to make a choice between me & someone else
You do not have to,
I would have already chosen for you.

We were on the bus
it was scorching
outside was fogging
through the window pane
it might have been 33 degrees

We were seated -
I was inside,
next to the window pane
a silent gladness overtook
because you weren't the one
taking the heat and
I enjoyed basking it for you

You told me this coming
birthday of mine will be a blast
if I promise to be a good girl
I opened my eyes so wide,
you could see the end of my tooth

My birthday came,
you left 3 lines
on your word press,
and they seemed to be
mocking me, for believing.

Today I found out
Why I am stuck in
Repeating loops of
Thought about life,
Mistakes we make -

My Dorsomedial Pre-frontal Cortex ;
is screaming inadequacy
My Ventromedial Medial Pre-frontal cortex ;
is occupying every cells (so selfish)
My lack of Lateral Pre-frontal Cortex
&
Flickering,
Neural Paths

So,
You Were Right,
You Were Right,
You Were Right.