I try so hard to be happy,
but what does that mean?
What does it look like?

I'm the monster inside
my head, I tell myself
things that reek of death.

In the middle of it all,
the light is burning out
and it's all my fault.

I gave in to the chaos
in my soul, now I'm lost.
I lost sight of control.

I feel too much and even though it's great at times
I also hate it, because I can't control my emotions.
It's like caging an animal born in freedom,
you'll only end up hurting yourself if you try.

And I have tried, believe me.
I've tried so many times.
And I've come to realize it doesn't matter
whether I try to cage them in or let them run free,
it's always me who ends up being hurt.

And it ******* hurts.
It makes me not want to be me.
It makes me not want to live.
Because I can't express the things roaming
inside of my mind, my veins and my heart.

I'm going crazy inside my private circus
I'm the clown, the elephant,
the ballerina and the ringmaster
how am I supposed to balance all these roles?
It's no wonder I'm going mad
and tearing myself up from within.

Help! I need help, but the help won't reach me
since I convince myself every time that I need no help.
Because I'm afraid to be weak, for others to see me as weak
and that's my own problem: I'm my own kryptonite.

In the roots,
I find my past feeding from the present
while growing into the future

Thus my present is
a source of nutrients:
water
dirt
light

the water is the people I encounter in my path

the dirt is what holds me together in place
and keeps my roots protected underground

while the light is what illuminates me
and helps me stretch closer and closer
towards the sky.

Written by :L.L.


July 9, 2019

Streamlined with I'm fine
Going backwards
On constant rewind

With no forward way about
I don't even feel the need to shout
I'll cry my mercury tears
To rid my life of the poison
We call fears

Dancing on the edge of reality
One false move a fatality
While I remenice about times
I don't even miss
Killing myself softly
With a false sense of bliss

Ripping out my nerves
Thinking
I deserve this
As if it's completely sane
To hand myself my own pain