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:'(
Estella May 2019
:'(
I wish I could tell you how broken I am. I wish I could tell you what this is doing to me. I want to tell you how broken I am. How unstable I am. How much I miss home. And most of all how it is your fault. You took me from what I loved the most. And who I loved the most. And it's hard to blame anyone. Maybe it isn't your fault. It isn't really anyones. Someone needed happiness more than I did. So I sacrificed
like always. I lied to make them happy. And now I can't go back. I'm stuck for another year. The fact that I am only halfway done kills me. I cry myself to sleep so much because I miss home. I want to go back. I second guess myself and say things weren't so bad because now they are just worse. They are worse in a much different way. I have met a few people that have made my entire life worth living, but nothing cam replace home. And now I have people from my past haunting me in my future. I hear their voices in my ear shouting their success and yelling my failures without using words. I just want to be home. I just want the comfort of home. I just want the safety of normalcy. My life is so different now and NOONE will ever understand that. But I have dug myself a hole so deep no rope will reach down and pull me out and no amount of strength can get me out of it
Estella Mar 2019
a dead leaf blows off the tree
once useful,
pointless now.
just to start a pile of leaves,
and to be jumped in.
just to be blown off the sidewalk,
or to be torn apart.
just to have a purpose–
and then lose that feeling.
Estella Apr 2018
It was never supposed to be this way.
She never meant to be in the middle-
But now that she was
she was stuck like glue.

She would watch them fall in love,
watching from the sidelines.
Because to her it had become a game,
A game she was never meant to play.
Estella Apr 2018
a selfish thing it is,
to cry over the loss of someone we love.
we want them here,
when where they are there.
we want them here,
just for our happiness.
we want them here,
just because they are the reason for our smile.

all i know to say is,
we must learn to create our own happiness.
for when our happiness relies on others,
it comes and goes like the wind.
Estella Apr 2018
I may never be as good as her,
And I sure as hell won't try.
Because–
At first you may have fallen for her,
But she was all you ever knew.
I can take you to a whole new world.
Somewhere you have never been before.
Somewhere she could never have taken you.
A world for just you and me.
Because–
first you may have fallen for her,
But she was all you ever knew.
It isn't my job to change for you.
It is only my job to show you something better is out there.
Something better than all you ever knew.
Estella Dec 2018
Dear ___,
You have used me. You used me to get to my family. You have tried me. You tried to claim I was lesbian. You have found humor in my pride. You made fun of my innocence. You have found ways to scar my privacy. You whispered when I walked into the room. You have given me internal wounds I didn't know could exist. The looks you gave me felt like daggers in the back of my head. I know you hate me. I just wish I knew why. I have done everything I can to be nice to you. I tried apologizing, but there is only so much I have in me before I break– and right now, I am beyond breaking point. You made fun of my friends, even more than you did to me. The only good thing was their's was to their face, but mine was behind my back. I wish it was to my face. I wish I knew why you hated me. You have so much control on people and manipulated them to an extent that I don't know I could forgive. The fear they have for you is far from love or respect. It is purely terror of a ruined reputation, relationship, or life. I am just happy I am free from you and I pray for the ones that aren't
just a note to everyone who has bullied me in my life and is a reason for my lack of joy :(
Estella Jan 2019
A bridge–
uniting two things
Love–
Uniting two people
Burning bridge,
to destroy.
Burning love,
to have passion.
Both unite,
but both turn to ash differently.
idek if this makes sense to you guys but it does to me. Love you all <3
Estella Dec 2018
The most wonderful time of the year?
Tis the season to be jolly?
It doesn't feel very wonderful.
Not without you.
No decorations,
No popcorn sewing,
No cheesy movies,
No baking partner,
No happy family,
but saddest of all,
No you.
just missing you this Christmas season
Estella Dec 2018
I wish I didn't act so confident.
I think it gets me used.
I think it's a flaw.
They don't think I will be insecure.
They say they can't,
when they made other plans.
They think I won't catch on–
Because why would
someone ditch me
for someone else?
kinda feel like my confidence gets me used and people think I won't notice or think about it as much but oh well....
Estella Sep 2018
I don't understand–
You can't say the signals weren't mixed.
You're the one that leaned on me first.
You're the one who put your arm around me.
It's not my fault I fell asleep on you.
We do it every time.
You say you enjoy the movies...
You say you want to hang out...
You lay on me on the couch...
You fell asleep on me too.
Everything I ever did was to be nice.
I didn't mean for it to end up like this.
I don't want to ruin what we have,
But honestly, what we have isn't much anymore
Don't mind the title it just perfectly describes my current emotions
Estella Nov 2018
You know,
I'm not like other girls.
I'm not pretty.
My face is full of flaws—
But I refuse to cover them up.
No makeup makes me look confident.
I'm sure i could be pretty —
That is—
If I tried.
Instead,
I fake confidence.
This gets me used.
Im always the girl used,
That way they can hit on my friends.
That way they don't have to worry,
Worry about them being jealous of me.
Because who would be jealous of me?
A girl who doesn't wear makeup
just to cover up her lack of confidence.
hahahhahaha i hate the honesty in this but it is so true...
Estella Mar 2018
isn't it crazy?
just the smallest thing
can turn a good day,
into a day you wish never happened?

isn't it crazy?
just one word
can turn a good mood,
to a bad mood you get stuck in for days?

BUT

isn't it also crazy?
that one person can turn a rough night
into a night you'll never forget?
Estella Jun 2018
Dear Best Friend,
I am sorry if I hurt you. I am sorry if I never treated you right. I never meant any of those things. I just hope you didn't either. You used me. You abused me. And you pursued those I loved. You lied to me. You told me you would never do it again. Yet you did it over and over and over. It's not that I fell for it. I knew what you were doing, I just cared about you too much. I didn't want to hurt you. It just got to the point where you hurt me more. I couldn't sacrifice it anymore. The pain was too great. I chose my mental health over yours. I hope that's not too selfish. I hope you know I still care. You just can't call me a ***, talk bad about all my friends, and use me to get to people. I have feelings too. I may not show it, but I do. I just want you to know I am sorry for what I did, but I do not regret a thing. Here is my goodbye...
                        Love,
                                 Me
Estella Jan 2019
A dead dandelion.
Used for many wishes,
Used for good fate.
Death–
beauty hidden within
Estella May 2018
I wish I knew.
I constantly go back and forth,
I can't tell if you're the one using me,
Or if you are the one confused.
She uses you.
Can you not see it?
You give her what she wants.
The attention,
The love,
It is exactly what she wants.
She doesn't want you.
She wants your attention.
She wants your love.
She wants you humor.
She doesn't want you.
She doesn't deserve you.
Trust me,
I would know.
#whatshewants #whatyouwant #whatyoudeserve #whatshedeserves #love #attention #humor #sorry #confused
Estella Apr 2019
the bad always seems to outweigh the good anymore.
I'm realizing I am so different
than the rest.
I don't fit in with the rest of them.
I am different–
and that used to be a good thing–
but the more different I am,
the worse it gets.
im just so sick of being so different than the rest of my friends. I don't drink smoke vape or party and thats all they do :((
Estella May 2019
I don't want you to lie to me and say its okay.
I disappointed myself too.
I know we both wanted more.
but I failed you.
so many expected more of me and I failed you all.
im really sorry.
I know it's over something stupid,
but it meant a lot to me.
and I didn't want to let you down.
Estella May 2018
I don't understand.
You tell me you're mad at me.
You say I never open up.
You say I've pushed you away.
You say you are here for me,
yet–
When have you ever asked me what was wrong?
Don't you know I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve?
Don't you know I never open up?
I thought you knew me better than that.
I just don't understand how you can be mad at me,
When technically–
I did nothing wrong.
#ithoughtyouknewmebetter #wrong #friendbreakup #younevercared #youusedme #lies #emotions
Estella Oct 2018
You say you have been listening,
but do you even know why I am upset?
You hide me from others.
It's almost like you're embarrassed by me.
You ditch me and make plans with others.
You break promises,
You never act like you care anymore.
It's like you forget about me half the time.
We have plans, then you never tell me
where,
when,
or how.
You just leave me hanging until last minutes.
Until it's too late and you break my heart.
You say you have been listening
But you seem to forget about me.
If you really cared you wouldn't do this.
Right? or wrong?
When I truly love someone,
I would do anything to never let them leave.
And right now I am on the verge of leaving
And you should know it.
But you are too stupid to notice.
I've given you a chance,
multiple actually.
But I'm ******* done
Estella Dec 2018
The one friendship I never thought would end,
Is the one drifting apart before my eyes.
There is nothing I can do.
There is no way to save it.
You know I love you.
If you don't wanna be friends,
just tell me.
But give me a reason.
and it better be a ******* good one
because I ******* miss you.
:(((((((
Estella Nov 2019
an empty house,
yet full of memories.
a book with no words,
yet full of pages.
an empty heart,
yet full of heartbreak
an empty soul,
just desiring to be filled again.
Estella Dec 2018
for once,
I can't even use poetry.
to explain,
this thing I am feeling.
Estella Jul 2018
I guess I am not the best at making friends
I guess I am not the best judge of people.
I guess I care too much about others,
and not enough about myself.
Estella Mar 2018
Honestly-
You confuse me

I don't get it,
You see-
When you text me late at night.
When you find excuses to call me,
It makes me smile.

I don't know if I love you.
I don't know how I feel.
I guess that is up to how you feel,
And I don't think you even know how you feel.

So I will just sit here and wait.
Bruised but not broken.
Cracked but not shattered,
and hurt but not heartbroken.
Estella Jun 2018
Was it my fault this time?
Am I the one that ******* up?
I just got so sick.
I just got so tired.
Your ******* got to me.
You're fake.
You're rude.
You have never proved that you cared.
Only on the good days do we have fun together.
Otherwise you pick on me.
Call me a ***.
Call me too innocent.
Call me too young.
You don't treat me like you do others–
And I think that is because you realized I am not like them.
You realized I don't believe the *******.
I won't play your stupid little games.
I'm not like the other girls.
I don't change for you.
I won't change for you.
Even if it means I have to tell people–
Why I am heartbroken,
Why I haven't smiled,
Or maybe why I smile so much more.
And I will tell them this:
"I smile more, I cry more, and I laugh so much more because of this simple truth: I broke up with my best friend."
#friendbreakup #breakup #smile #laugh #cry # heartbroken #*** #innocent #young
Estella Oct 2018
It's not that I could never love you,
You're the only person
I have ever come close to loving.
There is just one thing that stops me.
Her.
You still think you love her.
You think she is the best
You could ever have.
but–
little do you know
she doesn't love you.
True love doesn't act like that.
True love won't control you.
True love trusts.
True love cares.
And true love just isn't there.
I want to love you,
I really do,
But waiting is breaking my heart.
And it hurts.
Because I was always there for you.
And she never was.
I was the one that has always understood,
and she never does.
I am the one that pretends like it doesn't hurt.
I  can take the pain,
But only for so long.
But time is running out,
And I can't do this much longer
I don't know guys... this is probably the most honest poem I have written in a while. The formant *****. It is very random, and it makes little sense, but I hope y'all can understand
Estella Jun 2018
You tell me I won't get in the way.
You say she knows what we are.
You say if it means losing me you,
You won't have her.
I lie–
to you
to myself.
I lie.
I tell myself you aren't lying.
I tell you I believe every word you said.
Because if you ***** me over,
Does it really matter anymore?
What's another family member
Breaking my heart gonna do?
Estella Apr 2018
I'm sorry I asked.
I just care too much sometimes
I wanted to make sure you were okay.
That's all I needed.

I'm sorry I asked.
I think too much sometimes.
I wanted to make sure you weren't leaving.
That's all I needed

I'm sorry I asked.
I hope too much sometimes.
I wanted to make sure you wouldn't let me down.
That's all I needed.
Estella Mar 2019
it's pointless now.
you ditched me for her–
I should have seen this coming.
you hate her.
you won't last.
she controls you
like the sky controls night and day.
you said yo would never leave–
yet you left.
you said you would always be there–
but where are you when I need you the most now?
Estella Mar 2018
At night is when it comes-
When no one is around,
Where no one can see the tears-
Where no one can hear the painful cries for help.

It comes at night-
And makes itself comfortable,
With no intention on leaving for while.

It comes at night-
And leaves for the day,
returning at dark.

What comes at night?
The pain comes,
The sorrow comes,
The guilt comes,
But worst of all,
Great Emptiness.
Estella Mar 2018
It's not that I can't love.
It's not than I can't find him cute.
There is nothing wrong with you, or him.

I just don't know how.
I can't love him.
Not just yet.
He could break my heart just like that.

I can't seem vulnerable-
I can't be a pain.
How do I give away pieces of me no one's ever seen?

And-

To love me,
It takes a special person.
It requires a lot-
A lot of trust,
A lot of time,
A lot of listening,
And a lot of you.

I guess what I am trying to say is,
Its complicating.
Estella Jun 2018
The late nights I've had for you,
The sleep I have lost for you.
It's all catching up to me.
I can't stay awake anymore.
As much as I love these late nights,
Would you really do it for me,
Or do I just do it for you?
#lackoftrust #latenights #fallasleep #late #night #sleep #awake
Estella Nov 2018
Everyone can fake a smile
Lies can be easily caught
Innocence is rare
All it takes is one comment for a ruined point of view
*** is a common topic
for now this is my last one but these will probably continue for a while, they actually help. highly recommend it
Estella Nov 2018
Confused isn't always bad
All you can do is try
Love is shown in many ways
Eggs
Being hidden hurts like hell
Estella Nov 2018
Kindness does not always mean a good friendship
Always be there for them, even they aren't there for you.
Realize we all makes mistakes.
Lies are common in friendship, but so is Love
Everyone deserves a second chance
Easygoing friendships don't mean healthy friendships
a start of a series I am doing to reconcile with those who have hurt me. each line is a lesson they taught me about life, friendship, or both
Estella Nov 2018
Good looks+ugly attitude=ugly person
All you need is a smile to change your perspective on someone
Babies get bad reputations
Bad attitude=bad friendship
It hurts to be hidden
Estella Nov 2018
Cussing is unattractive
Helping the ones you love is vital
Reasoning with each other isn't always possible
Ignorance is painful to look at
Secret friendship isn't healthy friendship
To always be there for someone is the most common lie told
Invitations mean nothing
Anyone can say they will never leave, no one guarantees it
Neglect hurts like hell
Estella Jun 2018
I pour my heart out to you,
and i get nothing in return.
I tell you my life problems,
and i get no burdens in return.
I want to help you.
I really do.
But–
I can't help if you don't talk.
I am not being selfish.
I really do care.
I will at least listen.
I can't fix all your problems,
I can only help you through them–
But I can't do that if you don't tell me.
Estella Nov 2018
Life is not fair,
Life is good to the worst of people.
Yet–
Life is the worst to the best of people.
This is just part of a series I am starting, lately I have learned a lot about life, myself, and people so I just wanted to share each of those things with you and poetry is the only way I know how.
Estella May 2018
I'll never know why you broke me.
I will never why so little you cared.
I don't know how I was so blind.
I just couldn't see the signs.
You used me once,
Using me one more time won't hurt.
It won't hurt you,
It may hurt me once and for all.
Maybe you finally broke me.
We will just have to see.
Next time I just won't open up.
Next time I just won't care.
I don't think you realized what you lost.
You lost a life long friend.
just wrote this about being crushed by my best friend. being lied to by her, and realizing our friendship wasn't even real. it was just her using me to get to the people I love
ME
Estella May 2018
ME
The lack of pain,
compared to the amount of attention.
The math doesn't add up.
When is there not something wrong?
When are you ever not miserable?
You are never truly happy.
I can't take it anymore.
Being your only friend has crushed me.
It has gotten to the point,
You have forced me to chose:
Chose between my own mental health, or yours.
I swear I am going insane.
I swear you are not helping.
Never once did you ask me if I was okay.
Talking about our problems always turned into a competition.
Yours always seemed to outweigh mine,
Not in severity, but in number.
I will miss you,
But this is best for me.
And me is what matters right now.
here is more about me losing my best friend. She has crushed me and broken me worse than nay heartbreak
Estella Nov 2018
Me–
I am selfish, yet I also care.
Sometimes..
well,
most times,
I care too much.
I care about others,
the selfish thing is,
I sorta sometimes care about
What they think of me.
Yet–
I also care about them––Too Much.
They are the reason I am alive.
I don't want them to suffer,
I don't want them to think it's their fault.
I want to help them,
show them that life is good,
that life can be good,
even when it's hard to find.
part two of my series
Estella Apr 2018
One thing that scares me the most,
Is that I have become numb to so many things.
Numb to others opinions,
Numb to our own,
Numb to sorrow,
Numb to guilt,
Numb to my thoughts.
I can't feel emotions anymore.
I don't feel the pain.
I refuse to feel the hurt,
Because that is what scars the most.
Estella Sep 2018
Death is hard.
It's hard to understand
and it's hard to deal with.
Every time someone close
to me dies,
I shut more people out.
I lose emotion.
It's easier to deal
with something,
when you can't feel.
When you are numb to the pain.
Death has made me numb.
Numb to emotion,
Numb to pain,
and–
sadly,
death
has
made
me
numb
to
love.
Estella Nov 2018
I've realized something lately,
Our world is one cruel place.
It's cannot be compared to anything,
for anything cruel is from this world,
yet everything good is too.
It makes no sense.
I truly wish it did,
But all I can say is,
This World is One Cruel Place
full of Everything Good.
this may make no sense to you, but to me it means so much. Love you all for reading <3
Estella May 2019
I know I act tough
I know everyone thinks I'm over that.
That I don't need a man.
That I don't need to dress up to feel pretty.
That I can do everything on my own.
I know I come across that way.
I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve.
I can't.
But–
Sometimes I need someone to tell me I am pretty.
To tell me I am worth it.
To hold me while I sleep.
To help me while I cry.
To listen while I complain.
To not leave me just cause "im okay"
Sometimes it feels nice to be treated like a lady,
cause I always just end up being one of the guys...
Estella Jun 2018
You lead me on,
Just to let go of the rope.
I push you away,
Just to give into the weight again.
You carry my burdens,
Just to drop me in the end.
You pick me back up,
Just to lead me on again,
Just to let go of the rope,
Just for me to push you away,
Just for me to give in,
Just for you to carry me,
Just for you to drop me in the end.
It's an ongoing cycle–
And I don't think I will ever learn
Estella Nov 2018
you are selfish,
you forget about things,
you forget about me.
When I need you most,
You have taught me you
won't be there.
now I know,
I know I am the only thing
I can depend on,
because others don't care.
part 3 :) hope you enjoyed
Estella Jan 2019
Starting as a small seed,
sprouting into something magical–
Is my love for you.
Growing into a sturdy stem,
developing beautiful crown–
Is our love together.
Losing beauty,
Forgetting strength–
Is me without you.
just love compared to a flower, don't really understand where I got this from, bu t I have always had an odd fascination with flowers. People love them while they are beautiful, but just  pick them, leaving them an unavoidable fate: death
Estella Apr 2018
People ****.
They are so fake.
They don't care about anything but themselves.
They don't realize there are other people in the world too.
They break hearts carelessly.
They ruin lives purposely.
They pretend you hurt them,
When in reality,
They hurt you.
In the process of hurting you,
they hurt themselves.
making them more reckless,
more careless,
and more intentional.
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