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Feb 2021 · 100
Estella Feb 2021
like a shattered mirror,
because I can still see,
broken and shattered,
but I am still supposed
to make sense of the reflection
when I can't even make sense of
what it is reflecting.
broken, but pieced together.
shattered, but still hanging on–
piece by piece
Jan 2021 · 104
lost love
Estella Jan 2021
Love—some say its the most powerful force on earth
Yet somehow two hearts that are meant to be, are torn apart by it.
Two hearts that are meant to be, never heal,
And two hearts that are meant to be, never find eachother again.
Just a rough draft that has been hiding in my notes for a while :)
Jun 2020 · 106
Estella Jun 2020
the excitement ahead,
and the hurt I am leaving behind.
the pain before me,
and the happiness behind me.
none of it makes sense.
how can I be so excited to move on,
but it breaks my heart to say goodbye
I leave for the army in three weeks and my emotions are CRAZYYY
Apr 2020 · 99
Estella Apr 2020
it weighs on my heart.
in the back of my mind,
it continuously haunts me.
Apr 2020 · 85
true colors
Estella Apr 2020
just as the sun causes a flower to bloom,
so does your trust cause my true colors to truly show.

how slow this process may be,
but oh–
how the end result is worth it.

and you make pluck it or leave it,
just like you may love me or leave me.
because it takes a lot for my true colors to show
Mar 2020 · 81
Estella Mar 2020
Because I just feel used ya know?
Because I am forced to go,
Then forced to be the responsible one.
Never can I have a little fun,
Because I am always babysitting everyone else.
You use me because I am so good to you,
But I never get the same energy in return.
I am forced to deal with your problems,
But no one is there to help me with mine.
There is the occasion few,
But no one understands.
You respect me,
But I don’t feel loved.
Sometimes I wonder when it will pay off.
When will it all be worth it.
Because I have been trying for so long now,
And it just gets harder and harder
But nothing gets any easier.
my heart just hurts and nothing seems worth it anymore
Feb 2020 · 97
Estella Feb 2020
you finally made me feel special.
I almost thought I was the one.
the one you couldn't let go of.
the one that was always in the back of your mind.
the one that meant everything.
But then I realized.
I'm the one easiest to use.
because I used to cry to you.
and now I cry because of you.
and the worst part is.
you aren't worth my tears,
and that makes them fall even faster
Feb 2020 · 77
broken. hearts.
Estella Feb 2020
broken hearts:
I think we are all too familiar.
they aren't always from a lover.
sometimes they are from friends.
sometimes our family breaks our heart.
but the worst heartbreak of all–
is when we break our own hearts.
because this is almost impossible to heal.
Feb 2020 · 71
Estella Feb 2020
as it comes to the end,
it feels like it is all crashing down.
most feel joy,
many feel a strong mix of happy and sad.
I just feel ready.
ready to leave.
ready to move on.
ready to find my life.
ready to find me.
ready to rebuild me.
no sense of sorrow,
and no feeling of joy.
Feb 2020 · 72
Estella Feb 2020
the deeper the roots,
the stronger the tree.
the stronger the tree,
the more weight it can bear.
roots cling to others,
making them almost unbreakable.
but the tree planted alone,
has nothing else to cling to.
Feb 2020 · 79
Estella Feb 2020
even the mended hurt sometimes too.
not because they are still broken,
but because their scars are still healing–
their wounds may be mending,
but their hearts are still healing.

and that's what ***** about
being broken–
once you are fixed, no one cares
to ask how you're doing.
They only care that you
ask them how they are.
I missed writing. but I need it right now...
Feb 2020 · 54
Estella Feb 2020
And yet somehow,
the most powerful force on earth
could not keep two destined hearts
Jan 2020 · 66
Estella Jan 2020
Its a great price to pay.
Loving two places at once.
Because one place the people are home,
And the other is your safe haven.
And despite this heartbreaking fact,
You begin to love each one more and more
Ignoring the pain you cause yourself
Nov 2019 · 82
Estella Nov 2019
an empty house,
yet full of memories.
a book with no words,
yet full of pages.
an empty heart,
yet full of heartbreak
an empty soul,
just desiring to be filled again.
Nov 2019 · 102
The Castle
Estella Nov 2019
The Castle she was bound to,
Held her hostage to the prison of her mind.
Each year a new cell was built.
In each cell dwelled not another prisoner,
But another piece of her.
One memory lived among each cell.
Only the worst memory of her past did she visit,
And it was that of loneliness.
its been a while. I've missed writing....
Jun 2019 · 187
Estella Jun 2019
I guess im boring
I don't do what they do so no one cares
"you need to learn to live"
"you need to party more"
"put yourself out there"
they never love me for me,
they only love me for what they can make me
Jun 2019 · 199
worth it
Estella Jun 2019
sometimes im happy the way I am
happy that I don't have a man,
that I don't need a man.
but then I realize all the memories Im missing.
I will never have that young and in love relationship.
I will be forced to mature early,
therefore never being able to fall in love recklessly.
I will be forced to be more careful.
therefore I will never trust fully.
I guess I will be missing out,
but the question is:
Will it all be worth it?
how I feel about my futures right now I guess
May 2019 · 110
Estella May 2019
I don't want you to lie to me and say its okay.
I disappointed myself too.
I know we both wanted more.
but I failed you.
so many expected more of me and I failed you all.
im really sorry.
I know it's over something stupid,
but it meant a lot to me.
and I didn't want to let you down.
May 2019 · 165
one of the guys
Estella May 2019
I know I act tough
I know everyone thinks I'm over that.
That I don't need a man.
That I don't need to dress up to feel pretty.
That I can do everything on my own.
I know I come across that way.
I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve.
I can't.
Sometimes I need someone to tell me I am pretty.
To tell me I am worth it.
To hold me while I sleep.
To help me while I cry.
To listen while I complain.
To not leave me just cause "im okay"
Sometimes it feels nice to be treated like a lady,
cause I always just end up being one of the guys...
May 2019 · 105
Estella May 2019
I wish I could tell you how broken I am. I wish I could tell you what this is doing to me. I want to tell you how broken I am. How unstable I am. How much I miss home. And most of all how it is your fault. You took me from what I loved the most. And who I loved the most. And it's hard to blame anyone. Maybe it isn't your fault. It isn't really anyones. Someone needed happiness more than I did. So I sacrificed
like always. I lied to make them happy. And now I can't go back. I'm stuck for another year. The fact that I am only halfway done kills me. I cry myself to sleep so much because I miss home. I want to go back. I second guess myself and say things weren't so bad because now they are just worse. They are worse in a much different way. I have met a few people that have made my entire life worth living, but nothing cam replace home. And now I have people from my past haunting me in my future. I hear their voices in my ear shouting their success and yelling my failures without using words. I just want to be home. I just want the comfort of home. I just want the safety of normalcy. My life is so different now and NOONE will ever understand that. But I have dug myself a hole so deep no rope will reach down and pull me out and no amount of strength can get me out of it
Apr 2019 · 103
Estella Apr 2019
because what may feel like the end....
is just the beginning of something even greater.
something greater than ever before.
Apr 2019 · 106
Estella Apr 2019
as the leaves on the trees begin to grow again,
as the flowers begin to bud and bloom,
as things that used to fall apart are now falling into place–
so do the parts of life we are ready to give up on.

right when we are ready to give up on spring,
it pounces on us like a lion on it's dinner.
it brings back hope and joy.
Estella Apr 2019
to those that are willing to love freely:
you are braver than the rest.
to love freely is to share your whole heart.
to not hold anything back.
to love recklessly–
To those that are willing to freely love–
you are stronger than the rest.
to freely love is to have no worry in the world.
to be so full of love you are unstoppable.
to love independently–
because it takes true courage to truly love someone
Apr 2019 · 186
different :/
Estella Apr 2019
the bad always seems to outweigh the good anymore.
I'm realizing I am so different
than the rest.
I don't fit in with the rest of them.
I am different–
and that used to be a good thing–
but the more different I am,
the worse it gets.
im just so sick of being so different than the rest of my friends. I don't drink smoke vape or party and thats all they do :((
Mar 2019 · 149
Estella Mar 2019
at once you mean so much to someone,
yet when someone more important comes along,
you're nothing but a dead leaf blowing in the wind.
Mar 2019 · 121
Estella Mar 2019
it's pointless now.
you ditched me for her–
I should have seen this coming.
you hate her.
you won't last.
she controls you
like the sky controls night and day.
you said yo would never leave–
yet you left.
you said you would always be there–
but where are you when I need you the most now?
Mar 2019 · 189
a dead leaf
Estella Mar 2019
a dead leaf blows off the tree
once useful,
pointless now.
just to start a pile of leaves,
and to be jumped in.
just to be blown off the sidewalk,
or to be torn apart.
just to have a purpose–
and then lose that feeling.
Jan 2019 · 102
Estella Jan 2019
As rays of light,
warm the earth–
So your smile
warms my soul.
this isn't even about anyone, this is just how I want someone to feel about me I guess
Jan 2019 · 273
Estella Jan 2019
A dead dandelion.
Used for many wishes,
Used for good fate.
beauty hidden within
Jan 2019 · 101
Our love
Estella Jan 2019
Starting as a small seed,
sprouting into something magical–
Is my love for you.
Growing into a sturdy stem,
developing beautiful crown–
Is our love together.
Losing beauty,
Forgetting strength–
Is me without you.
just love compared to a flower, don't really understand where I got this from, bu t I have always had an odd fascination with flowers. People love them while they are beautiful, but just  pick them, leaving them an unavoidable fate: death
Jan 2019 · 150
Estella Jan 2019
A bridge–
uniting two things
Uniting two people
Burning bridge,
to destroy.
Burning love,
to have passion.
Both unite,
but both turn to ash differently.
idek if this makes sense to you guys but it does to me. Love you all <3
Jan 2019 · 626
–> <–
Estella Jan 2019
Two arrows,
both pointing to love.
But one to perfect love,
and one to broken,
shattered love.
Perfectly imperfect.
here's a more poetic poem since half the time I don't even write poems, I just vent
Dec 2018 · 187
Estella Dec 2018
I'm never that girl.
I'm just the friend.
"Hi this is my best friend,
No were not dating, sorry"
That's what they all say.
They talk to me,
Get with my friends.
Ask about them.
I'm sick of being hidden,
I'm sick of being the "side-***"
Im sick of putting relationships at risk.
Im sick of guys,
and I've never even dated one.
im just tired :((((
Dec 2018 · 126
Estella Dec 2018
The one friendship I never thought would end,
Is the one drifting apart before my eyes.
There is nothing I can do.
There is no way to save it.
You know I love you.
If you don't wanna be friends,
just tell me.
But give me a reason.
and it better be a ******* good one
because I ******* miss you.
Dec 2018 · 226
Estella Dec 2018
I wish I didn't act so confident.
I think it gets me used.
I think it's a flaw.
They don't think I will be insecure.
They say they can't,
when they made other plans.
They think I won't catch on–
Because why would
someone ditch me
for someone else?
kinda feel like my confidence gets me used and people think I won't notice or think about it as much but oh well....
Dec 2018 · 125
Estella Dec 2018
The most wonderful time of the year?
Tis the season to be jolly?
It doesn't feel very wonderful.
Not without you.
No decorations,
No popcorn sewing,
No cheesy movies,
No baking partner,
No happy family,
but saddest of all,
No you.
just missing you this Christmas season
Dec 2018 · 120
Thats all you'll ever be
Estella Dec 2018
I would say we are pretty close.
I tell you almost everything.
You are one of the only guys
I have ever trusted.
The trust is only for friendship though.
I could never trust you
With anything more.
I know how much you lie–
How much you talk–
How often you flirt–
How much you hide.
I understand why you do it.
I would too if I'd have been through
What you have.
But if any girl ever asks me about you,
I will be honest:
You're a great friend but
Thats all you could ever be.
finally sorted my feelings out for once :)
Dec 2018 · 218
Estella Dec 2018
for once,
I can't even use poetry.
to explain,
this thing I am feeling.
Dec 2018 · 156
Estella Dec 2018
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I have nothing nice
To say about you.
Dec 2018 · 912
Estella Dec 2018
Dear ___,
You have used me. You used me to get to my family. You have tried me. You tried to claim I was lesbian. You have found humor in my pride. You made fun of my innocence. You have found ways to scar my privacy. You whispered when I walked into the room. You have given me internal wounds I didn't know could exist. The looks you gave me felt like daggers in the back of my head. I know you hate me. I just wish I knew why. I have done everything I can to be nice to you. I tried apologizing, but there is only so much I have in me before I break– and right now, I am beyond breaking point. You made fun of my friends, even more than you did to me. The only good thing was their's was to their face, but mine was behind my back. I wish it was to my face. I wish I knew why you hated me. You have so much control on people and manipulated them to an extent that I don't know I could forgive. The fear they have for you is far from love or respect. It is purely terror of a ruined reputation, relationship, or life. I am just happy I am free from you and I pray for the ones that aren't
just a note to everyone who has bullied me in my life and is a reason for my lack of joy :(
Nov 2018 · 134
Estella Nov 2018
I don't think I will ever fall in love.
Yes, I'm young.
Yes, I know I have time.
I'm too scared.
I don't wanna get hurt.
I don't need a broken heart.
The risk seems too great.
here's a draft I have had for a few months, I've been trying to finish it, but I've decided that you guys can finish it for me <3
Nov 2018 · 189
Lesson Five
Estella Nov 2018
Everyone can fake a smile
Lies can be easily caught
Innocence is rare
All it takes is one comment for a ruined point of view
*** is a common topic
for now this is my last one but these will probably continue for a while, they actually help. highly recommend it
Nov 2018 · 127
Lesson Four
Estella Nov 2018
Confused isn't always bad
All you can do is try
Love is shown in many ways
Being hidden hurts like hell
Nov 2018 · 193
Lesson Three
Estella Nov 2018
Good looks+ugly attitude=ugly person
All you need is a smile to change your perspective on someone
Babies get bad reputations
Bad attitude=bad friendship
It hurts to be hidden
Nov 2018 · 327
Lesson Two
Estella Nov 2018
Cussing is unattractive
Helping the ones you love is vital
Reasoning with each other isn't always possible
Ignorance is painful to look at
Secret friendship isn't healthy friendship
To always be there for someone is the most common lie told
Invitations mean nothing
Anyone can say they will never leave, no one guarantees it
Neglect hurts like hell
Nov 2018 · 136
Lesson One
Estella Nov 2018
Kindness does not always mean a good friendship
Always be there for them, even they aren't there for you.
Realize we all makes mistakes.
Lies are common in friendship, but so is Love
Everyone deserves a second chance
Easygoing friendships don't mean healthy friendships
a start of a series I am doing to reconcile with those who have hurt me. each line is a lesson they taught me about life, friendship, or both
Nov 2018 · 133
Estella Nov 2018
You know,
I'm not like other girls.
I'm not pretty.
My face is full of flaws—
But I refuse to cover them up.
No makeup makes me look confident.
I'm sure i could be pretty —
That is—
If I tried.
I fake confidence.
This gets me used.
Im always the girl used,
That way they can hit on my friends.
That way they don't have to worry,
Worry about them being jealous of me.
Because who would be jealous of me?
A girl who doesn't wear makeup
just to cover up her lack of confidence.
hahahhahaha i hate the honesty in this but it is so true...
Nov 2018 · 119
Words mean nothing anymore
Estella Nov 2018
You know–
I tried to make amends,
I tried to prove to you
that I had changed.
I apologized for treating
you wrong.
My actions even showed different.
I tried to talk more,
but all you did was ******* off.
And no,
all of that was not just to win
you back over.
It was not fake.
I meant it.
I meant every single word.
I'm sorry that I'm going through a lot.
I didn't mean to burden you,
Its not like you promised me you
would ALWAYS be there,
but my mistake,
No one can ALWAYS be there.
So maybe I should just stop
Trying to get help from others,
because you have shown me,
that words mean nothing anymore.
honestly just heartbroken by the way a friend treated me and I just really had to let it all out.
Nov 2018 · 145
Estella Nov 2018
you are selfish,
you forget about things,
you forget about me.
When I need you most,
You have taught me you
won't be there.
now I know,
I know I am the only thing
I can depend on,
because others don't care.
part 3 :) hope you enjoyed
Nov 2018 · 132
Estella Nov 2018
I am selfish, yet I also care.
most times,
I care too much.
I care about others,
the selfish thing is,
I sorta sometimes care about
What they think of me.
I also care about them––Too Much.
They are the reason I am alive.
I don't want them to suffer,
I don't want them to think it's their fault.
I want to help them,
show them that life is good,
that life can be good,
even when it's hard to find.
part two of my series
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