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811 · Dec 2018
Bullies
Estella Dec 2018
Dear ___,
You have used me. You used me to get to my family. You have tried me. You tried to claim I was lesbian. You have found humor in my pride. You made fun of my innocence. You have found ways to scar my privacy. You whispered when I walked into the room. You have given me internal wounds I didn't know could exist. The looks you gave me felt like daggers in the back of my head. I know you hate me. I just wish I knew why. I have done everything I can to be nice to you. I tried apologizing, but there is only so much I have in me before I break– and right now, I am beyond breaking point. You made fun of my friends, even more than you did to me. The only good thing was their's was to their face, but mine was behind my back. I wish it was to my face. I wish I knew why you hated me. You have so much control on people and manipulated them to an extent that I don't know I could forgive. The fear they have for you is far from love or respect. It is purely terror of a ruined reputation, relationship, or life. I am just happy I am free from you and I pray for the ones that aren't
just a note to everyone who has bullied me in my life and is a reason for my lack of joy :(
708 · Mar 2018
Unique
Estella Mar 2018
I would never call myself ****,
But I don't think I am pretty either.
I don't stop people in their tracks,
Just so they can look at me.

I guess you could call me unique,
Because I'm not gorgeous like other girls.
I guess you could call me unique,
Because my beauty comes from within.
I guess you could call me unique,
Because I'm not pretty,
I'm not ****,
I am me-
and I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world
545 · Jan 2
–> <–
Estella Jan 2
Two arrows,
both pointing to love.
But one to perfect love,
and one to broken,
beaten,
shattered love.
Perfectly imperfect.
here's a more poetic poem since half the time I don't even write poems, I just vent
407 · May 2018
Maybe you finally broke me
Estella May 2018
I'll never know why you broke me.
I will never why so little you cared.
I don't know how I was so blind.
I just couldn't see the signs.
You used me once,
Using me one more time won't hurt.
It won't hurt you,
It may hurt me once and for all.
Maybe you finally broke me.
We will just have to see.
Next time I just won't open up.
Next time I just won't care.
I don't think you realized what you lost.
You lost a life long friend.
just wrote this about being crushed by my best friend. being lied to by her, and realizing our friendship wasn't even real. it was just her using me to get to the people I love
377 · Nov 2018
Life:
Estella Nov 2018
Life is not fair,
Life is good to the worst of people.
Yet–
Life is the worst to the best of people.
This is just part of a series I am starting, lately I have learned a lot about life, myself, and people so I just wanted to share each of those things with you and poetry is the only way I know how.
356 · May 2018
Trust
Estella May 2018
Trust should not be taken lightly.
Trust should be stronger than a iron rod.
Trust can be a funny thing.
Trust can manipulate you.
Trust can build you up,
Trust can bring you down.
But once trust is broken,
Trust cannot be put back together.
343 · Oct 2018
Untitled
Estella Oct 2018
You know–
I had this crazy thought once.
I thought I might actually be capable of loving you,
And that is something special.
I have never been able to truly love.
Love involves too many risks.
These risks I have never been willing to make.
And you have taught me how common they are.
Once I thought I could truly love you,
You failed me.
You ignored me.
I never asked you to constantly talk to me,
But ignoring me isn't fair either.
I have always been there for you,
And you act like you don't even care sometimes.
I'm sorry if I annoy you,
Just tell me–
I won't do it again.
I'm sorry if you hate me,
Just tell me–
I don't need you in my life.
My life was fine before you came along,
Who says you leaving will make it any different?
this is honestly just a crazy rant of heartbreak but I am sure someone understands :(
270 · May 2018
Deserve
Estella May 2018
I wish I knew.
I constantly go back and forth,
I can't tell if you're the one using me,
Or if you are the one confused.
She uses you.
Can you not see it?
You give her what she wants.
The attention,
The love,
It is exactly what she wants.
She doesn't want you.
She wants your attention.
She wants your love.
She wants you humor.
She doesn't want you.
She doesn't deserve you.
Trust me,
I would know.
#whatshewants #whatyouwant #whatyoudeserve #whatshedeserves #love #attention #humor #sorry #confused
268 · Sep 2018
Pretty Ones
Estella Sep 2018
Here's the thing:
I'm not pretty like these other girls.
I don't take good selfies,
I don't flirt for attention,
I don't dress to impress.
I don't wear makeup,
I don't take an hour to get ready in the morning.
I don't care what anyone thinks of me.
I know I am seen as pretty,
Only because I am confident.
I have never cared about my looks.
My appearance has never bothered me.
I can freely be myself
without a worry in the world.
I guess that's my problem.
I'm not pretty like them,
I'm pretty like me.
And sometimes I hate that.
Not because I am pretty,
but because all the Pretty Ones hate me.
262 · Sep 2018
Untitled
Estella Sep 2018
It’s not that i have fallen in love with him,
I think its more simple than that.
I have fallen in love with the idea of love.
i desire to fall in love.
To feel his skin on mine.
To feel his lips gently kiss mine.
To feel his arms wrapped around me.
To have a soulmate,
a best friend,
a lover,
I just want the feeling of love....
I totally rushed the ending but I don't know how to make it perfect but I think y'all get my point.
much love <3
250 · Sep 2018
Untitled
Estella Sep 2018
I want to fall in love,
I want to fall deep in love.
I want someone who will
hold me while I cry.
I want a chest to fall asleep on.
I want a heartbeat that keeps mine steady.
I want a hand that fits mine better than a glove.
I want someone to look at me
with a sparkle in their eyes
and a corny grin on their face.
I want someone who will cry with me,
cry for me,
and cry because of me.
I want someone to watch the sunset with,
even on the cloudy days.
I want to look at someone
and immediately know it's gonna be okay.
I want a prankster.
I want a feeling where
I can cry laughing even when
I'm old and my hair is gray.
I want a smile that lights up the room,
and never fails to light up my face.
I want memories.
I want stories.
I never want to grow old of each other,
I just want to grow old with each other.
I guess what I want is you,
But could you come any faster?
this definitely isn't perfect, but I think this explains how I feel pretty well! I hope you enjoy
236 · Mar 2018
The One Night
Estella Mar 2018
The one night it hurts the most,
Thats the night you ignore me.
The one night where things get tough,
Thats when they decide to complain.
The one night where I need you to care,
You don't give a ****.
The one night I refuse to sleep,
Is the night you give up on me.
The one night I am excited for the next day,
Thats the night my parents refuse to let me grow up.

I just don't understand.
The one night I actually need help.
Thats the night no one notices.
230 · Mar 2018
It's complicated
Estella Mar 2018
It's not that I can't love.
It's not than I can't find him cute.
There is nothing wrong with you, or him.

I just don't know how.
I can't love him.
Not just yet.
He could break my heart just like that.

I can't seem vulnerable-
I can't be a pain.
How do I give away pieces of me no one's ever seen?

And-

To love me,
It takes a special person.
It requires a lot-
A lot of trust,
A lot of time,
A lot of listening,
And a lot of you.

I guess what I am trying to say is,
Its complicating.
229 · Apr 2018
Truth and a Lie
Estella Apr 2018
I guess what I wanted was a Lie-
you're humor, without the cruelty in it,
you're fun, without the boring.
I guess what I am saying is,
I wanted you without your flaws.

What I've come to realize is,
I was wrong.
You can never ask someone for only parts of them.
This shows them their whole self isn't necessary.

Now, I guess what I need is the Truth.
the thing is, I don't know what that is.
I know so many different versions of you,
I don't know the True you anymore.
221 · Nov 2018
Lesson Two
Estella Nov 2018
Cussing is unattractive
Helping the ones you love is vital
Reasoning with each other isn't always possible
Ignorance is painful to look at
Secret friendship isn't healthy friendship
To always be there for someone is the most common lie told
Invitations mean nothing
Anyone can say they will never leave, no one guarantees it
Neglect hurts like hell
211 · Mar 2018
crazy
Estella Mar 2018
isn't it crazy?
just the smallest thing
can turn a good day,
into a day you wish never happened?

isn't it crazy?
just one word
can turn a good mood,
to a bad mood you get stuck in for days?

BUT

isn't it also crazy?
that one person can turn a rough night
into a night you'll never forget?
193 · Jan 26
Death
Estella Jan 26
A dead dandelion.
Used for many wishes,
Used for good fate.
Death–
beauty hidden within
191 · Jun 2018
Ongoing cycle
Estella Jun 2018
You lead me on,
Just to let go of the rope.
I push you away,
Just to give into the weight again.
You carry my burdens,
Just to drop me in the end.
You pick me back up,
Just to lead me on again,
Just to let go of the rope,
Just for me to push you away,
Just for me to give in,
Just for you to carry me,
Just for you to drop me in the end.
It's an ongoing cycle–
And I don't think I will ever learn
177 · Apr 2018
All you ever knew
Estella Apr 2018
I may never be as good as her,
And I sure as hell won't try.
Because–
At first you may have fallen for her,
But she was all you ever knew.
I can take you to a whole new world.
Somewhere you have never been before.
Somewhere she could never have taken you.
A world for just you and me.
Because–
first you may have fallen for her,
But she was all you ever knew.
It isn't my job to change for you.
It is only my job to show you something better is out there.
Something better than all you ever knew.
169 · Apr 2018
I'm sorry
Estella Apr 2018
I'm sorry I asked.
I just care too much sometimes
I wanted to make sure you were okay.
That's all I needed.

I'm sorry I asked.
I think too much sometimes.
I wanted to make sure you weren't leaving.
That's all I needed

I'm sorry I asked.
I hope too much sometimes.
I wanted to make sure you wouldn't let me down.
That's all I needed.
157 · Dec 2018
feelings
Estella Dec 2018
for once,
I can't even use poetry.
to explain,
this thing I am feeling.
153 · Mar 2018
The Life of a Toy
Estella Mar 2018
Everyone thought she grew up in a happy place.
That this place was full of joy.
They thought it was full of grace.
But he treated her like a toy.

One day she cried out:
“Why do you cause me so much pain?
Why must you scream and shout?
You cause my clothes to have a red stain.”

“Oh, but why are you here?
You really are quite the trouble.
You have become less and less a dear,
And caused me to see double”

Walking to her room at night,
She hears a little boy.
He was in a great big fight,
Being treated as a toy.

“Stop! Stop!” she cried,
Don’t hurt the little boy!”
She jumped in with wide eyes.
“Quit treating him like a toy!”

The hit was hard,
It was right to her head.
She figured it would scar.
When it actually made her dead.

No longer a toy,
She vanished from this world.
She left the boy.
His mind was in a whirl.

She came back to the hill,
But no longer as a toy.
She came to be his guardian angel,
Saving the life of the little boy.
150 · Apr 2018
A game
Estella Apr 2018
It was never supposed to be this way.
She never meant to be in the middle-
But now that she was
she was stuck like glue.

She would watch them fall in love,
watching from the sidelines.
Because to her it had become a game,
A game she was never meant to play.
150 · Dec 2018
confident
Estella Dec 2018
I wish I didn't act so confident.
I think it gets me used.
I think it's a flaw.
They don't think I will be insecure.
They say they can't,
when they made other plans.
They think I won't catch on–
Because why would
someone ditch me
for someone else?
kinda feel like my confidence gets me used and people think I won't notice or think about it as much but oh well....
Estella Nov 2018
I've realized something lately,
Our world is one cruel place.
It's cannot be compared to anything,
for anything cruel is from this world,
yet everything good is too.
It makes no sense.
I truly wish it did,
But all I can say is,
This World is One Cruel Place
full of Everything Good.
this may make no sense to you, but to me it means so much. Love you all for reading <3
131 · Apr 2018
people suck
Estella Apr 2018
People ****.
They are so fake.
They don't care about anything but themselves.
They don't realize there are other people in the world too.
They break hearts carelessly.
They ruin lives purposely.
They pretend you hurt them,
When in reality,
They hurt you.
In the process of hurting you,
they hurt themselves.
making them more reckless,
more careless,
and more intentional.
130 · Apr 2018
A selfish thing it is.
Estella Apr 2018
a selfish thing it is,
to cry over the loss of someone we love.
we want them here,
when where they are there.
we want them here,
just for our happiness.
we want them here,
just because they are the reason for our smile.

all i know to say is,
we must learn to create our own happiness.
for when our happiness relies on others,
it comes and goes like the wind.
130 · Mar 2018
Hurt but not Heartbroken
Estella Mar 2018
Honestly-
You confuse me

I don't get it,
You see-
When you text me late at night.
When you find excuses to call me,
It makes me smile.

I don't know if I love you.
I don't know how I feel.
I guess that is up to how you feel,
And I don't think you even know how you feel.

So I will just sit here and wait.
Bruised but not broken.
Cracked but not shattered,
and hurt but not heartbroken.
129 · Jun 10
worth it
Estella Jun 10
sometimes im happy the way I am
happy that I don't have a man,
that I don't need a man.
but then I realize all the memories Im missing.
I will never have that young and in love relationship.
I will be forced to mature early,
therefore never being able to fall in love recklessly.
I will be forced to be more careful.
therefore I will never trust fully.
I guess I will be missing out,
but the question is:
Will it all be worth it?
how I feel about my futures right now I guess
121 · Mar 7
a dead leaf
Estella Mar 7
a dead leaf blows off the tree
once useful,
pointless now.
just to start a pile of leaves,
and to be jumped in.
just to be blown off the sidewalk,
or to be torn apart.
just to have a purpose–
and then lose that feeling.
117 · Apr 7
different :/
Estella Apr 7
the bad always seems to outweigh the good anymore.
I'm realizing I am so different
than the rest.
I don't fit in with the rest of them.
I am different–
and that used to be a good thing–
but the more different I am,
the worse it gets.
im just so sick of being so different than the rest of my friends. I don't drink smoke vape or party and thats all they do :((
117 · Nov 2018
Lesson Three
Estella Nov 2018
Good looks+**** attitude=**** person
All you need is a smile to change your perspective on someone
Babies get bad reputations
Bad attitude=bad friendship
It hurts to be hidden
114 · Dec 2018
Sick
Estella Dec 2018
I'm never that girl.
I'm just the friend.
"Hi this is my best friend,
No were not dating, sorry"
That's what they all say.
They talk to me,
Get with my friends.
Ask about them.
I'm sick of being hidden,
I'm sick of being the "side-***"
Im sick of putting relationships at risk.
Im sick of guys,
and I've never even dated one.
im just tired :((((
113 · Nov 2018
Lesson Five
Estella Nov 2018
Everyone can fake a smile
Lies can be easily caught
Innocence is rare
All it takes is one comment for a ruined point of view
*** is a common topic
for now this is my last one but these will probably continue for a while, they actually help. highly recommend it
112 · May 2018
There you go again...
Estella May 2018
Once I think I am done caring,
There you go again–
giving me one small reason I should.
Once I think you aren't worth it,
There you go again–
showing me why you are worth so much more.
Once I think I have moved on,
There you go again–
refusing to let me get rid of you.
Once I think I really do love you,
There you go again–
Proving to me it was all just a lie.
108 · Jun 2018
I lie
Estella Jun 2018
You tell me I won't get in the way.
You say she knows what we are.
You say if it means losing me you,
You won't have her.
I lie–
to you
to myself.
I lie.
I tell myself you aren't lying.
I tell you I believe every word you said.
Because if you ***** me over,
Does it really matter anymore?
What's another family member
Breaking my heart gonna do?
106 · May 2018
Used
Estella May 2018
That moment when you think a friend could never use you,
Just know that you are wrong.
Friends are worse than heartbreak.
Friends can be your worst heartbreak,
And your best decision.
I regret being friends with you,
But I wish things would have worked out.
I might miss you,
I don't really know.
I honestly don't care.
You used me twice and you won't do it again.
106 · May 14
one of the guys
Estella May 14
I know I act tough
I know everyone thinks I'm over that.
That I don't need a man.
That I don't need to dress up to feel pretty.
That I can do everything on my own.
I know I come across that way.
I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve.
I can't.
But–
Sometimes I need someone to tell me I am pretty.
To tell me I am worth it.
To hold me while I sleep.
To help me while I cry.
To listen while I complain.
To not leave me just cause "im okay"
Sometimes it feels nice to be treated like a lady,
cause I always just end up being one of the guys...
106 · Jun 2018
Treated like a second
Estella Jun 2018
I freakin' hate this feeling.
Sometimes I think you love me.
At others I swear you hate me.
Usually I think you forget about me.
Always–
I just lie to myself.
Saying:
It doesn't matter–
I'm sure he just thinks
That it doesn't bother me.
That I am tougher than the rest–
I have convinced myself this is a valid excuse.
That my tough exterior is a good reason.
When in all honesty,
I know one thing for sure:
I should never be treated like a second,
Just because I am the one that can take it.
#second #first #freakinhatethis #questionable #love #swear #hate #lies #honesty
104 · May 2018
Stuck in a game
Estella May 2018
It's like being stuck.
Stuck in a game you were never meant to play.
Being forced to play by the rules you can't follow.
No one gives you an option on what piece to be.
You are forced to do what you don't know how.
No one gives you the rules,
But everyone expects you to follow them.
#rules #game #rulebreaker #stuck #games #rule #follow
102 · May 2018
Untitled
Estella May 2018
I don't know how to explain myself  anymore.
I don't think like a normal teenage girl.
I don't care about my looks.
I don't care about others opinions.
I don't see the big deal in looking pretty.
I don't see why I should fake my smile.
I don't see why you have to be mean to me to lift yourself up.
I wish it weren't like this.
I wish I understood.
just want to clarify I'm not saying I am a lesbian or any form of LGBTQ. I just want to share my thoughts on being different.
102 · Apr 2018
Numb
Estella Apr 2018
One thing that scares me the most,
Is that I have become numb to so many things.
Numb to others opinions,
Numb to our own,
Numb to sorrow,
Numb to guilt,
Numb to my thoughts.
I can't feel emotions anymore.
I don't feel the pain.
I refuse to feel the hurt,
Because that is what scars the most.
102 · Mar 2018
It Comes at Night
Estella Mar 2018
At night is when it comes-
When no one is around,
Where no one can see the tears-
Where no one can hear the painful cries for help.

It comes at night-
And makes itself comfortable,
With no intention on leaving for while.

It comes at night-
And leaves for the day,
returning at dark.

What comes at night?
The pain comes,
The sorrow comes,
The guilt comes,
But worst of all,
Great Emptiness.
100 · Jun 2018
Life's burdens
Estella Jun 2018
I pour my heart out to you,
and i get nothing in return.
I tell you my life problems,
and i get no burdens in return.
I want to help you.
I really do.
But–
I can't help if you don't talk.
I am not being selfish.
I really do care.
I will at least listen.
I can't fix all your problems,
I can only help you through them–
But I can't do that if you don't tell me.
99 · Mar 24
Untitled
Estella Mar 24
at once you mean so much to someone,
yet when someone more important comes along,
you're nothing but a dead leaf blowing in the wind.
Estella Apr 2018
They say what keeps you up at night means the most to you,
But my story is different than most.
You are the one that keeps me up at night,
But–
Here is where my story ends,
Because you may keep me up at night,
I am not what keeps you up at night.
She does.
She consumes your thoughts day and night,
While you don't consume hers.
You consume mine.
You deserve so much better than her,
But have decided to settle because of your stubborn fault.
97 · May 2018
Don't you know?
Estella May 2018
I don't understand.
You tell me you're mad at me.
You say I never open up.
You say I've pushed you away.
You say you are here for me,
yet–
When have you ever asked me what was wrong?
Don't you know I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve?
Don't you know I never open up?
I thought you knew me better than that.
I just don't understand how you can be mad at me,
When technically–
I did nothing wrong.
#ithoughtyouknewmebetter #wrong #friendbreakup #younevercared #youusedme #lies #emotions
96 · Mar 2018
Temporary
Estella Mar 2018
Sometimes I wonder-
"Is loving something temporary worthwhile?"
But-
When I think about what I love,
I realize

For me,
People aren't temporary,
They leave legacies that can last forever.
People leave their love-
their wisdom
their hobbies
their secrets
And-
I've realized
For me, people aren't temporary

Now-
When I think of what I love,
I know it's worthwhile
And my wondering isn't so lost anymore-
Because for me,
People aren't temporary
Estella Jun 2018
Was it my fault this time?
Am I the one that ******* up?
I just got so sick.
I just got so tired.
Your ******* got to me.
You're fake.
You're rude.
You have never proved that you cared.
Only on the good days do we have fun together.
Otherwise you pick on me.
Call me a ***.
Call me too innocent.
Call me too young.
You don't treat me like you do others–
And I think that is because you realized I am not like them.
You realized I don't believe the *******.
I won't play your stupid little games.
I'm not like the other girls.
I don't change for you.
I won't change for you.
Even if it means I have to tell people–
Why I am heartbroken,
Why I haven't smiled,
Or maybe why I smile so much more.
And I will tell them this:
"I smile more, I cry more, and I laugh so much more because of this simple truth: I broke up with my best friend."
#friendbreakup #breakup #smile #laugh #cry # heartbroken #*** #innocent #young
94 · Jun 16
Untitled
Estella Jun 16
I guess im boring
I don't do what they do so no one cares
"you need to learn to live"
"you need to party more"
"put yourself out there"
they never love me for me,
they only love me for what they can make me
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