one hand to count the reasons to dust myself off
the other to cup my right breast

the best
and the worst of days

hold my hand
wash my hair

opening the curtains doesn't sting
like it did last week

i can eat a full meal again
and find joy in golden buzzer videos

that's you
helping me to find faith

i love love you

my hands, cold, in my pocket
still cold -
craving the warmth of another
an other
other?
you

tears on the pillow
tingles in my tummy
a weight from my back,
put in my pocket for another day

i don't possess enough fingers,
the day doesn't give me enough time
to say
to show
my love -

i only have words
and a bluer sky than yesterday,
new hair, new me
same you
thank God

thank You

i've apologised for the hair on my upper lip
and the cellulite on my thighs,
for crying over a death 12 years ago
and for being too loud, too brash
yet the body that entwines with mine
hands clasped, held tight -
it's not just their body heat that keeps me warm
but the way they keep their arms wide,
waiting for my embrace,
it's their hair in the morning
and their addiction to yeast,
their caring nature
and ability to make me feel safe
that make me feel content.
the way they laugh at their own jokes
and remain the sorest loser at any given game
gives me strength
hope
for lighter days

unapologetically ourselves,
together
unapologetically

broken shoes on your feet, grief for a family that aren't dead - just dead to you - on your back and a book in your pocket. a book about a man you idolise. by that same man you idolise. his songs, his words, his honesty. a similar honesty that takes up the blank spaces in the notebook that resides in your other pocket. our griefs, though different, united us. yet while you begin to live, i start to die. again.

my cards are on the table
don’t call my bluff, i’m already baring all
no tease
i want you to know -

my stomach drops along with the temperature
the weight of winter is unbearable
my heart hurts now yours cannot
i feel for you
i care like you

i have lived, felt, experienced
Enough
i don’t wish to hurt
Any More

help me feel bliss
the wind through my hair
a snowflake on my tongue
not a dagger through my heart
or another hit at the happiness i have
another left; another lost

if not on my sleeve
where would i wear my heart

i tie my laces every day
forgetting
i couldn’t if not for you
i’ve not rode a bike since 2006
remembering
i swore i’d never believe
after God didn’t answer my prayers
but before
we’d religiously ride every sunday
i guess my belief lied in you
Real
no fable in your love
i felt it
i feel it
yet

home isn’t just a structure -
brick and water aren’t symbols,
they don’t reflect trust or
Love.

I can wash -
the grease from my hair
the dirt from my skin
and uncomfortably sleep
when my inner monologue is louder than ever,
with your songs ringing in my ears,
and bad thoughts longing to be heard
but it’s love
your love
that keeps me warm
and makes me feel safe,
not the white walls
or the bread in the cupboard

I consume the fibre
Anyway
and glare at the walls.
home could leave
unannounced, brutally
I'll get warmth from the radiator
now you're gone

layers upon layers on the wall and i've bared all.
peeling the wallpaper
fresh start, better days
moving forward?
but the purple underneath is more than a colour
an emotion, time, reminder
you once stood here, too
wondering who the **** plastered these walls
the cracks are taller than me
but a mere fraction of the size of the ache i feel in my chest

half of you remains in the room next to mine,
well-polished & cared for,
but the small wooden box fails to reflect your big heart
or the hole left in mine
but
i will continue to talk to you
until my mouth dries up
or i lose my speech
for you are home

the traffic moves fast,
faster than my legs ever could,
my joints don’t reflect my age
they merely add to it

I’m damaged goods,
physically and mentally,
no wonder you left,
continuously,
greeted by a greener grass,
brighter sun

the sun still rises
and so do I.
the rays don’t just hit my back,
but burn right through it -
if only my brain soaked them
the way my skin does,
my exterior glows
but my deficiencies remain
in tow