my sunshine, if you are reading this,
i love you.

its the kind of love
that grows from kindness,

the love that lets you look
at another human being
and smile

my darling,
i am asking you how your day went
because i really do care
long enough to stay
and wait for your answer,

and i will listen
because i am here
to do just that.

i am asking how your heart is
because I know sometimes people
forget to check-in,

and i am offering you a shoulder
should you feel the need to cry,
or feel the need to lean on something
when the world gets tough.

i will wear my heart on my sleeve
so that you feel less alone
and see that i, too, have wounds of my own

and love,
i will always,
always,
make the time for you.

so come with me,
sit a while.
if you do not want to talk
about what hurts
we can talk in hopes.

it is high time the world
becomes less lonely,

so i am extending my hand
and reaching for you.

i love you,
i love you.

when you rise in the morning,
i promise,
i will lay roses at your feet
and line the pathway to the door
with tulips

i will press a cup of english breakfast tea,
into your palms
and place a sweater around your shoulders,

i will wrap my arms around you
and guide you outside,
hold you close
as the holiday winds greet us

and i will press a kiss to your temple
and catch the tears that linger
on your eyelashes.

we will do it, my braveheart
we will survive a year.

and i will be so proud of you,
of us,
for making it through.

and darling,
i buried a entire lifetime in you.

all the what could have beens
and should have beens

and what was
and what could never be.

the entire story of you and me
read just like poetry.

it is beautiful and broken,
and both silent and spoken.

our story,
lived on the tip of our tongues
and then afterward,
haunted the hollows of our lungs.

our every kiss was a saving grace
and for every touch, we carved a wider space
between our beginning and the end.

my sweet, you taught me how to love again
in a wildly fierce and fragile way,
and i loved you even when you could not stay
and turned me away.

i loved you,
even though it destroyed my heart.

i know that we cannot go back to the start
and rewrite any part of our story,
and read it some other way
we can’t forestall the wreckage
or heal the wounds that still bleed.

all the ink to our story
has already been spilled,
and all the what might have been never will,

but darling,
to me,
there was an eternity in loving you,
filled with hopes and dreams anew.

i lived them all within the time i was given with you,
and though it goes against all reason and rhyme

i swear,
i buried a lifetime in you.
i buried my heart in you.

i wrote this poem
before I even knew the words
that i wanted to convey to you

that is how beautiful
you are to me -

you give purpose
to fifteen letters,

you give reason
for broken lines,

you give hope
to this poet

that maybe one day
i can write you

in all the ways
you deserve.

and love you,
in all ways you
want and need.

you don’t need a drink
but you pour it anyways.

you watch as it pools
in the bottom of your glass,
grimace as the ice cubes
clink together in laughter

it is mocking you,
this drink,

your weakness humors it.

you swallow it angrily
hungrily

it bites back at your throat

you scoff at the burn
and smile around its relief.

you don’t need this drink
but you enjoy the penance
that follows,

it almost condones
your sins,

you almost forgive yourself
for your failures.

i know,
i know.
the weight of my soul
is much too heavy to hold.

my spirit sinks beneath my bones
as it pulls me down,
further,
deeper,
i drown,
i drown
i drown.

forgive me if my name comes with so much weight,
that perhaps it makes you hesitate
before you inhale,
and breathe.

and my darling dear, i mourn.
i grieve, every time my name leaves you weak,
fallen, and on your knees.

my heart was meant to love you,
but instead,
i hurt you.
and my ghost built a home in your head,
and destroyed whatever was left.

i regret it fully, my sweet,
oh how i regret it.

i was much too selfish
to set you free.
so i took you in my arms
and you drowned with me.

I try to get mad but she still has my heart.
I can’t cast fire onto it.
Though I’ve burned the bridges between us,
I still wade to get to her.
I still drown in my attempts to get to her.

And though she watches from the shore
and eventually walks away,
the view was enough for me to stay.

and I know,
every time i will hold your face,
it will feel like i am holding treasure
caressing the jewels and golden riches
i don’t want to slip from my fingertips

you can be anything
they say

as if in encouragement
or judgment,
sometimes i cannot tell,
sometimes i cannot decipher.

it is as if people forget
that being anything at all
is exhausting in itself.

that simply existing is not at all gentle
but a fight and a battle cry
and a call for hope
all in one.

i am sorry if my progress
is slow,
if my wounds take longer to heal.

i am, first and foremost,
just trying to learn
what it means to be me.

and maybe, just maybe,
for now
that is all i want to be

i want to explore myself
and finally,
be proud of my victories,

i want to carry myself home
to my skin

i want to belong again.

my love,
i had dreamt of you,
my entire life.

i wished for you
on every star,
11:11,
and dandelion puffs.

i worshipped you
in the prayers of my every poem.

i loved you
with the entirety of my existence
from the moment i found you.

i believe,
that the universe reoriented itself
to keep you at the center
and it was the first time
i had known peace
and belonging.

your departure from me,
would untether the planets
and misalign the galaxies.

your eventual absence
will catapult me
into the darkness.

i am a ghost
without a home to haunt

a heartbeat
without a chest to belong to.

i will know nothing
except for the loss of you.

i know it will consume everything
i will ever have known.

it will sound like a goodbye
and it will feel, alone.

so don't go,
don't ever go.

the last few days have felt like a lifetime
i never thought we would come to this point.
but then again, when had we ever come to face regret if not the end?
so while i sit here,
wondering how i can turn back time,
i also think,
to when will turn it back to?
i don't know the exact moment when i lost you,
i don't know how long you have felt the agony,
how long you have allowed yourself to drift from,
how long ago did you decide to start unloving me?
it seems a bit unfair,
to have such a head start.
perhaps you are nearly there,
to the point where you wanted to be.
and i am still stuck on this road,
unable to see,
carrying my own weight,
and all the excess and the very love i had for you,
that which you chose to part with.
tell me, my love.
was it easy?
because it honestly felt like it.
i felt like it was all too easy for you to just cast me aside,
like a match you no longer want to hold.
like a candle that no longer served its purpose,
and like a fire that no longer incinerated you.
and all the while,
i thought we could make it.
all this time,
i thought our love could take it.
how foolish was i to believe that once again,
perhaps,
this one would be different.
that i will not be left in the dust,
the minute things get hard.
that i will not stand in the darkness once again,
alone and lost
because i've shed every bit of light that i had for you.
and now i walk alone again,
wondering,
where do i run back to?

i will always need you
and want you.
i imagine lifetimes ago,
it was you,
and now that i've finally met you,
its still you.

and now
i’m afraid of you
of how much i love you
of how much you mean to me
because i’m afraid that you’ll get tired of me
or decide i’m too much to handle,
that you'll one day wake up and think,
i’m not worth it anymore
i’m afraid that you’ll realize
i don’t deserve you
that you can do better than settling for me
and even though i want you to be different
i’m afraid that you’ll end up like everyone else
that no matter how much i try to keep you,
i'm just not it for you.
i’m afraid that you’re the best thing to ever happen to me
and i’m so afraid of messing it up.

i finally met you,
i'm afraid of all there is about this.
i love you.

the past few days have been nothing but haunting,
its as if every memory that i once cherished --
every detail of your face,
comes back to me,
mocking me,
taunting me to keep going.
i'm looking for the answer, but the question is
all but a mystery to me.
what is it i'm trying to ask?
am i asking for you?
am i asking what went wrong?
or am i asking for what the meaning of everything was?
nothing makes sense even if i was so sure,
i was ready to get lost in you.
to lose for you.
nothing could have prepared me for everything that stands
before me -- between you and i.
and i know, even if you tried,
you couldn't care for me,
the way i care for you.

if you have any words left for me,
let me have them,
let me have them one last time.

i fear that
i cannot walk further without hearing you say
you love me, one last time.
please.
foolish, i know.
why would i voluntarily put myself through the heartache
of hearing you say you love me?
loved me.

if you have anything left for me at all,
let me have it.
let me hear it,
let me see.

even just for a moment.

...and I like you anyway.
What is it about you that attracts me anyway?
I try to dissect it,
to cross-examine my attraction towards you.

You --
you are the exact definition
of what a dangerous path in love looks like --
complicated,
unsure,
relentless,
a storm and I want it.
I want to walk in it.
I want to feel the catastrophe you will bring,
the agony I might suffer,
the pain, you might inflict.
I'd like to be weathered by it all.

There's no stopping me now,
I'm driving with full acceleration,
hurtling towards you.
You are unaware of it all,
and though you may never find out,
just how much I'd like to get to know you.
I'm hoping.
Just, hoping you'll somehow see me through.

if you do decide to leave,
tread slowly, my love and my dear.

give me a chance and room to breathe,
before you walk away
for i do not know when i ever will again.

desolation comes in
with such heedless grace.
please,
allow me to memorize your face
one last time, before you turn away.

i won't ask you to stay this time,
but i'll ask you to hold on,
just for a moment,
one more moment,
before you're truly gone.

let me steal a souvenir,
a memory,
before i set you free.

with you,
so too goes my words,
my letters,
my poetry.

i am not ready to say goodbye.
i will never be ready to say goodbye.

but oh,
even the ink has to dry.

i'm done trying to get you.
every unresolved question
needs no further answer
when you chose to retaliate in anger.

i'm done trying to ask why,
knowing you will never try.
i won't ever come close
to a realization,
a full circle with you.

i'm done playing these games
i should have never started.
i anticipated losing,
yet i never expected it to feel this,
defeated.

i'm done letting myself burn for you.
you set me free
with a flaming tongue
and for that i will be grateful,
and disappointed.

i saw something in you,
and i still do,
but i'm done trying to get you.

what do i call you?
you were between a lover and a friend.
you called me a potential
and it was foolish of me to think,
it amounted to anything.
maybe that is the exact moment where everything convoluted.
everything got twisted in my mind,
and i believed, dangerously,
for more than a split second,
you wanted to be mine.

my friend,
you belong to the sun, I say.
come to the light,
and bask in the goodness of life
in all its beauty and colors.

but you stay in your corner,
and tell me,
but I cannot outgrow my suffering

you could not hold love
without destroying it,
piece by piece
attacking it at its wake .

you tell me you are nothing without your despair
you are at home in the wreckage
and that perhaps,
you belong in all the messes you have made.

your peace only comes when your memory starts to fade,
and the ghosts of your past return to their graves.

you've never seen yourself as someone that could be saved,
for you have surrendered yourself
and have fallen on your knees, arms to your side
begging to be taken away.

you tell me to understand when you say,
there is nothing worth fighting for left in me

and i do, my friend.

i know you struggle to tell yourself that you belong in the sun,
in the light, and deserve all the good things in life

but i also know you do not feel at home in the garden.
you are their loss,
you belong in the wilting.

if there's one thing i'm sure of
it is that
i will always be waiting,
and
if there's one thing everyone around me is sure of
is that
you will never come,
but that has never stopped me,
no one has ever stopped me,
and i fear i'll never be able to stop myself.

i am a running wraith,
your unwanted apparition,
the phantom that relentlessly
walks the lonely road,
and you are the home,
I killed myself to haunt.

my darling, my sunshine
you are to me
what the rain does
to wilted things.

you pour unto my cracks
scour across my hollows
and you fill them instead
with a selfless abundance of love

how fragile I was
before meeting you,

how resilient i am becoming,
in order to keep you.

i am more tree now
than weedling,

more flower
than thorn.

i am beautiful
for loving you,
and for continuing to love you.

and i know
i will be stronger
for having you by my side.

is this what you want?
is this who you truly are?
sometimes it feels easier to think that
i met someone else.
perhaps a ghost,
or a mirage of you.
eventually, i come to the conclusion that,
it was still you.
i met a side of you that i instantly loved,
and even the version of you that left,
still have my heart with it.

i might tell you,
during the small hours,
or perhaps, at midnight
when the clock strikes 12.

maybe during the day,
i'm not sure.
maybe not really,
but i could occasionally.

maybe during the afternoon,
when my mind is busy,
and you're busy.
you might not need it,
but i want to tell you anyway.

but at night,
as we are serenaded by distant white noises,
and the sound of a sleeping house,
under the influence of the nearing twilight,
i just might get romantic
and tell you that i love you.

she is so lucky to have had you,
and to still have you
the you before you were hurt,
the you that
loved
and
trusted like nobody's business.
will you trust me too?
or will you believe me to be a fool?

the sun has been kind to you,
it never burns,
just shines right through your face
enough to radiate the beauty that you've always held from within.


the winds has always admired you
for they never blew you away,
just enough to breeze you in and remind you that
you will not be swayed.
everything will change and yet you will remain rooted to the ground,
resolute.

the rain has always been tender to you,
for it has never poured more than necessary
to drown you.
its always just rained enough to
to wash away your sorrow and remind you to slow down
for tomorrow is a promise of sunshine.

and i have and will always love you,
more than you'll see
and more than you'll know,
overflowing but never
overpowering.

you'll know,
you'll see.

knowing the flame would burn,
did not stop me from reaching out,
hoping it would only sting a little.
the flame did not burn,
as painful as i thought it would,
but it spread within me,
and it is coursing through my veins.
the flame,
that is...you,
even this confusing part of you,
has already made it under my skin.
its futile to tell me to go,
to stop,
for i have already begun to feel
dangerous things for you,
even if the odds are against
the favor of this.

i'm on hold for you,
my body,
my mind
and even if you're against it,
my heart is here for you.
its too late to be careful,
too late,
for i am already hurt,
already feeling,
already yours.

despite every circumstance that works against us,
i still choose you,
and that's the only conversation important to me.
every line,
every word,
every thought that leads me back to you,
is the only thing i can hear.

because i said, when i finally meet a girl like you,
one unlike no other,
special because of all the things she chooses to be --  
i will be there, to choose you every day.
my feelings will run deep,
and you will be soaked with all that i can and will be.

despite everything, i will stay.
despite everything, i will be yours.

only you can make someone as logical and smart as i,
believe in a futile scenario.
the probability of you,
running towards me,
giving us a chance,
is as much odds i have of being in space
during my lifetime.

you see,
i've never dreamt of being an astronaut,
or had a fleeting thought unto seeing the wonders of the galaxy.
however, that changed with you.
now, all i can think of
are all the infinite ways i can swear
the universe,
the stars and all its might,
are playing a role in this
and how i want to see what's beyond this world,
to justify how i feel like you are a wonder,
more than the moon, stars and the sun combined.

i can probably describe to you how the moon shined
so much brighter during the nights i spent up speaking to you or
i could explain to you why the stars feel like they're finally aligning,
and on the day i finally see you,
it will have aligned to lock us in an embrace
that will cause any stars and cosmos to pale in comparison
to the explosions in the sky we will produce.

the stars,
that which i mocked, saying
"i'll never believe in something predestined,"
and indeed it was something i never quite believed in,
until you.
it had to be you.

i'm tired of thinking of you,
and i'm tired of everything you've done and said.
they're all still playing in my head
but i want you anyway still.

please stop running through my mind,
i know it isnt you anymore,
just a ghost of you.
nevertheless, maybe you can command it to stop.
just this once,
so i can hear your voice again.

i've lost you,
and it isnt my fault,
thats what they all say
yet here i am reeling at this particular loss.

and though it was all too fast,
from wanting to know every side of you,
to trying to omit every trace of you in my head,
you were wonderful.

there are so many secrets,
so many things still hidden,
underneath the skin from which you hide.
that even after you revealed so many details
about yourself,
your past, present,
and future,
i still clamor for more.

i hope to unravel,
every part of you,
in time.

i hope to know you more,
because i am drawn,
to every piece you divulge,
even the ones that you hate.

i like what you show me,
and i love even that which you hide.

so confess,
impart,
unfold.

i don't blame you,
i'm not an easy fire to hold on to,
the fire i exude is one that burns
to the core.
if its too much, i apologize just this once.
i didn't mean to be too much,
i only wanted to give you warmth,
to set fire in your dying heart,
to help light the path that was dimming ahead of you.
perhaps i can't help you, and that's okay.
perhaps, the only way for you to come back to me,
is to realize the fire that you've started in me,
wasn't something you should be afraid of.

everything you do is every bit unconventional,
unique, and full of life.
so i decided to write a poem about it.
one different from the style i usually take,
because that's the kind of effect you have on me.
you make me want to take the leap,
compel a change i've been meaning to do over the years,
a positive impact, if you will.
you're a catalyst to a series of realizations,
and a smile i didn't know i had,
a laughter i didn't know i could conjure.
but its not what you make me feel that makes me want to write about you.
its not about how devastatingly beautiful i find you,
or how annoyingly charming you are to me.

its about how you are, by far,
the most emotionally intelligent person i know.
what's more is that you are wise and knowledgeable,
far more than you let on,
and yet you have no desire or need to have other people know.
you understand the cause and effect in life,
the necessity for suffering,
and how patience is humbling.

you may meet dozens, hundreds of people more in this lifetime than i ever will,
all of which i hope can see your beauty and your grace.
the hope you carry within, and the light that shines around you.
i hope they see you the way i see you,
because i know if they did,
they'd believe in you no matter what,
and they'd be there to stay through it all.

i hope one day you see yourself the way i see you,
and know why i believe in you.

i'm sorry if you're burdened by what i feel.
this is not your fault.
you didn't ask to be cared for,
and you didn't need anyone to be mindful of you.

but,
here i am --
for you,
and there you are --
for me,
for now.

i'm sorry for the weight i've put in your hands.
i promise to take it away, as soon as i can.
i know you don't need what i have for you,
and i know you won't ever want, what i can be for you.

but,
here i will still be for you,
and one day, you won't.

and that's okay,
that's okay.

i am falling for a future that isn't mine.
i wish things were simpler.
i wish i could discard and rearrange my thoughts
and not have you at the beginning
and at the end of it all.
i wish it could be that simple.

i know, no matter how hard i tried to envision it,
its a trap.
but, its nice to imagine once in a while, that it could be me.
and that maybe, the Universe, said yes to it all.
wouldn't that be nice?
but its a future, i know i can never have.
its a future that isn't mine.

i asked into the oblivion,
"when will the pain subside?"
i suppose it was foolish of me to think
an answer would present itself,
that a voice will come out and say,
"soon, after you've felt all that is there to feel,"
i want to shout into the void how tired i am,
how much i want the very memory of you to go away.
but i know myself,
i know that even if i wanted to,
i couldn't.
i can't.
and i won't forget about you.