I am afraid to be afraid too afraid
        to be still but still healing still
afraid to open all my heavy doors that
        he has seen too much unkempt skin
                 that I am afraid of him that we

are broken that he was always broken but we are nothing
         but bandaged apricots in the rotting August sun and he
is afraid we have too much or not enough time
         afraid of us afraid of me afraid to speak but he
                 breathes hot scorpion-kissed lullabies into

my neck into scarlet corners of my pituitary
         poisons all my wearied nerves I used to call him
master used to master our loose laundry I
        refused to fold used to master our loose smiles
                 in front of people I refused to fold for

I used to accept his virulent apologies after business trips
        I used to be afraid of him he used to be afraid
of my amphibian temper afraid of how I
        waxed and waned through tempestuous waters afraid
                that he was always drowning

I am afraid of the dark blue ghosts their red
        angry heat I am afraid to eat cartridged
bullets of my own words silver gunpowdered
        shrapnels if I eat them all lead like you would
seep into the insides of my abdomen

my insides are unreachable have a little
        too much sunshine to carry along when spring
arrives I am scared because the light
        comes in with brilliant blazing eyes
               and sees everything

                            October 8, 2014 7:04 AM

I am afraid of leaving people.
I am afraid of people leaving me.
Afraid of the world,
But I am not afraid of you.

I am afraid of loosing control.
I am afraid of loosing my mind.
Afraid of people in general,
But I am not afraid of being kind.

I am not afraid of lions.
I am not afraid by bears closing in.
Not afraid of you,
But letting you win.

I am afraid of flying saucers.
I am not afraid of monsters.

I am afraid of a man who cannot choose.
I am not afraid of a God who cannot loose.

I am afraid of the men who run the country.
I am not afraid of the mounties.

Fear is logical.
Phobia is logical.
Obedience is nonsensical.

You are afraid if we tell you
afraid if we conceal (what we would really like to say)
afraid that we might indoctrinate you
afraid that we would rather like for you to disappear
afraid that we talk about you
afraid that we ignore what you are about
afraid that our words might be too harsh
afraid that we'll walk out without your blessing
afraid that we like to think outside of dogma
afraid that we take pleasure on challenging what you hold dear
afraid that we don't feel defended by your body (or by your *****)
afraid that you might not cut it
or that we will use you (as a souvenir)
afraid that we are [not] conspicuous (sometimes we are)
afraid that (we are quite queer)
afraid of conspiracy and delusion
afraid of truth
afraid of me.

I'm afraid to be alone.
I'm afraid to be forgotten.
I'm afraid to let you in.
Because my trust is rotten.

I'm afraid I want you here.
I'm afraid I hope you'll stay.
I'm afraid to open up.
Because I know you'll go away.

I'm afraid I'm already hurt.
I'm afraid I did this to myself.
I'm afraid no one will ever stay.
Because all I seem to do is repel.

I'm afraid to ask how you feel.
I'm afraid that I already know.
I'm afraid I don't mean much.
So I guess I'll let you go.

Please don't worry when I'm alone
But please remember my name.
I hope you enjoyed your stay.
I'm afraid I knew you'd leave from the first day.

I'm afraid of the future, I'm afraid of the past.
I'm afraid that you don't think of me, I'm afraid that I'm on your mind.
I'm afraid that you like her, I'm afraid that you love me.
I'm afraid to be alone, I'm afraid of crowds.
I'm afraid to be happy, I'm afraid to be sad.
I'm afraid of you, I'm afraid of me.

This is what i deal with, all of my anxiety.

Darling, I'm afraid I've broken the coffee maker again.
Darling, I'm afraid that all the orange bottles are empty again.
Darling, I'm afraid that sometimes walls remind me
of either the ones you threw me against or the ones I put up around my heart
so that no one can love me ever again.

Darling, I'm afraid that I don't see stars in the sky anymore,
just a lot of eyes staring down at me,
scrutinizing me like interstellar councilmen,
knowing about every disgusting thing that I have done
when I thought it was just me and you and the peeling wallpaper.

Darling, I'm afraid that I am woven around your ribcage
like the beads of a rosary
are wrapped around the fingers of a sinner who has sold their soul
to the devil for forgiveness from God
one too many times.

Darling, I'm afraid I have to pause to talk about your fingers.
I am not wrapped around just one, but all of them.
I was hoping to bind you like a book so I could read you a little better,
but I'm afraid I've just entangled myself in a giant mess
and I'm afraid that you're a little too amused by my demise.

Darling, I'm afraid that guns shoot and so do stars,
I'm afraid that wishbones break and so do bones,
and I'm afraid that feathers float and so do bodies.
Darling, I'm afraid that I'm sorry that I cannot fix you,
because I don't think I can even fix myself.

Darling, I'm afraid I'm just
afraid.

- b.b.