I Have Issues,
I'll Admit,
I Have Issues,
Im Trying Not To Get Split,
In Two,
I Love You,
And You,
And You Too,
But That Doesnt Mean I Don't Have Trust Issues

I Am Green Eyed Monster,
No Not Jealousy,
I'm Running On A Wheel Like A Hamster,
I Have Empathy,
But Im A Little Bit Of A Disaster,
I Don't Trust Anyone I Meet,
No Matter What Our Chemistry,
I'm Sorry But I Can't Compete,
Because I Wander Around Hopelessly,
Around The World,
Feeling I Don't Belong,
But I'm Only One Of 3 Billion Girls,
So Maybe I Do Belong

I Was Trusting Before,
I Got Slammed In The Face By An Opened Door,
I Thought I Was Able To Stand By Keeping Busy,
But Honestly I'm Still Dizzy,
I Was Welcomed In,
But My Acceptance Was A Sin,
My Thoughs Fly Like The Speed Of Sound,
I'm No Longer On The Ground,
Oh Poetry,
Let Me Feel Your Therapy,
I'm Sorry For My Issues,
If Your Upset Grab A Tissue,
But Inside I'm Just Afraid I'll Lose You

My life consist of complex inginueity striving to be original but molding to the harshness of what the world is doing to me. Am i wrong for contemplating my lifes decisions. Because this isnt the way things where suppost to come out in my own depiction on the out come of my life. Maybe its my thoughts that are making me insane since i constanly think all i am is trash but theres a saying one persons trash is another treasure not sure if weather to believe it or not because woman come and go i just dont measure up to the dream guy. Maybe its my icebox heart that lets them see the coldness in my eyes gazing into theres filling false hopes of prosper and love each seem to be lies. Just to watch them break down in tears with no remorse when i see them cry since id rather not catch feelings being to scared to see where true love coulf take me honestly i dont know why. Im screaming in rage from the inside like im traped in a four corner room staring at walls hyperventilating unable to get out im balled up  feeling trapped im at a loss. Maybe you the reader cant understand what i mean maybe you can i feel like my life has been a bunch of ups and downs more downs then ups i was just a accidental nut that swam into the womb since my fathers pull out game wasnt fast enough now im stuck with the harsh reality of a cold world that beats me down after i get back up when will enough be enough maybe i need to find love and stop trying to hide the void wheres my diamond in the rough maybe I'm thinking again to much enough is enough

Driving down a dark road, windows down, music in the background. You take my hand and kiss it. I smile at you. You smile at me. Lightning flashes behind us, thunder cracked. I do not jump, I am safe with you. The smell of rain is in the air, mixed with your musk. The smell makes me happy, excites me and anticipation fills my entire body. Spending time with you always makes me soul smile.

Dry as a waterless well.
Dry as a rainless desert.
Dry as a withered bone.
Dry like most of Jeff Dunhams jokes.
Dry like a summer day.

My thoughts run dry.
I have no more thoughts.

shadows collapse under the weight of their owners.
a day-to-day routine controls all that i am, and i cannot break free.
i approach every situation with a feeling of regret and longing for more.
somewhere, i'm fine, but here i am a mess.
time moves like a slug, but sometimes it's a cheetah.
and sometimes it stops and sits still, leaving you alone with your thoughs.
dreams are the only real escape from life, you know.
but my dreams are littered with death and sadness, loneliness and hate.
everything that's present in the real world finds its home in my head.
there's nothing i can do but stand still as time moves in an attempt to gather myself along the way.
coffee-scented breath draws me in for a kiss.
the caffeine i'm addicted to keeps me going more than the motivation of happiness does.
why am i here? better yet, when am i here?
because i'm certainly somewhere else right now.

What a mess I have become.
Torn, wet,cold and crippled.
Frozen lips, blue as the sky and as dead as the grave.
Cut and staind with blood I look down to see a reflection of myself through a ****** pool...
I scream out but only the distant abyss of the canyon can hear and reply its echos which send the beasts of the wilderness a stray.
My legs tremble to the powerful might of the shakes from this scared earth, I grab at it but too late to feel it, I slip sending me to the ground laying my hair down to my knees...
I hope that there is always a light in the night but I guess in this nightmare there is only a faceless darkness that always claws at my feet...
I reach out and dig my hand into the earth, running my hand to the nib ripped and bleeding...
I was once thoughs clouds that darken the earth but now thoughs clouds darken me...
I make one more attempt to rise but the ground trembles before me and I start to slip once again..
and grab the edge like a lioness would grab its prey's neck.
It was not enough and my body goes limp and my fingers go numb and they break loose....
At that instance I felt a presence of warmth crash on top of me like a wave of warmth entangled around my wrists, knocking my cold and limp body into the side of the cliff and starts to reel me upwards.....
Feeling the ground beneath my feet, safely bringing me back to where I started once again....
ac/10/24/09

I want to cry
I want to scream
I want to tell you mostly
I hate that I'm so afraid of everything
I hate that you're the one thing I want the most but can't have.
I wish I were strong enough to say no to you
I wish I could believe my own lies I use to cover up the pain you left
I need to move on says my head
I need to hold on says my heart
I need to decide says my mind
I want to hurt you
I want to be with you
I want this nightmare to be over
I wish I could make things they were before you
I wish I could change time
I wish I could change you
I wish I could have hurt you before you hurt me
I need you out of my thoughts
I need you out of my heart
I need to start doing things for me
I hate that I gave you something I can never have back
I hate that I wasted it with you
I'm tired of hoping aimlessly for you
I'm tired of wanting something I can't have
I'm tired of hurting me for things that aren't my fault
Funny though how you never once said sorry for hurting me,
for breaking me,
for not loving me

Razor blade lullaby,
Come kiss my pain Good-Bye,
You're my only friend on this cold dark night.

Razor blade lullaby,
I listen to you when I can't sleep at night,
You take away all my fright.

Razor blade lullaby,
I always keep you by my side,
Just incase I start to feel like suicide.

Razor blade lullaby,
Darken those thoughs I think inside,
Numb the pain that I can't hide.

I am not a morning person
Sun glaring through the curtains, birds chirping on the tree
Such a pretty sight i know, but you know whats prettier? Sleep.
Wake me up when the sun's shining and i. Will. ****. You.
Coffee doesnt do the trick, neither does breakfast
so just let me sleep in — it'll do everyone a favor
"good morning!" Says the starbucks barista who trys to make conversation with me and all the while i am wishing for my drink to come faster as to prevent any further contact with any human being
Good night

I am not a hugger
Being that close to someone makes me cringe
Maybe im just not all about that intimacy thing and showing affection
Also have you ever hugged a girl?
You feel their ***** against you especially when they hug suuuper tight
Or maybe im just really afraid to let my guard down
Which is hard because when people know you dont like hugs
and you actually need a hug
No one will give you a hug and you just learn to **** it up and accept that the only hugging youll ever get is from your teddy bear at night

I am not a good conversationalist
As i have concluded and confirmed with my friends
It is hard to keep a conversation with me
I think its because most of the actual conversation is happening in my mind and my mouth cant follow through
I get scared to speak most of my thoughs because im scared of what other people think
And that leads me to not saying anything at all and that leads them to think i am shy and awkward
So no matter if i say anything or i dont, i will be judged

And theeeen i met him
And he was everything i wasnt

He was a morning person, a hugger, and the best person you can spend hours talking to

Suddenly
I began getting up earlier than usual
I started to eat breakfast and have an actual conversation with laughter at 8 in the morning
I say good morning back to the starbucks barista and find that morning interactions with human beings arent so bad after all

He gave the best hugs — the ones that make you feel warm, safe, and protected you just wanted to hibernate in his arms
When i feel his muscles squeeze me, i feel my sadness squeeze out of me little by little
And the best part? He doesnt have *****

He is the number one person who can hold a conversation with anyone
He always finds something to talk about
And makes the worst jokes
I feel comfortable with him
Like i can say anything and he'd understand

So thank you, because of him, i am a morning person, a hugger, and a good conversationalist

How do we slowly die again and again and again?
How do we seperate from ourselves repeatedly?
Why do my tears never feel new?
They're the same every week, every few days.
Maybe my love isn't enough.
Maybe my motives are lost.
Maybe I'm letting go.
Maybe my thoughs are wandering to parts they dont belong.
When have my intentions ever been wrong?
Why do I feel so sad about us?

you walk across my mind
stomping memories fleet through me
pulled in two different directions
inner conflict
you rest in my imagination
just a small figmant of the truth
you bask in my inner light
absorbing all that you can
foreboding dreams await where you laid
restless night
tryign to slowly ease away from memories
thoughs so haunting
filled with your eyes, your smile, your voice
they say time will heal my brain
but i am permanently indented
you've taken over my head
what more can you conquer
oh wondering soldier
why are you so harsh?
did you already forget
have you truly focused on a different thoguht
am i really jsut the remnants of the past
am i tucked securely where i won't be found
i do believe you to be a liar
oh, love of mine.
forcefully broken, spiratically declined.
tell me whats crossing through your head
what way are you flowing
i used to float beside you
in our wildest dreams we didn't see this coming
oh broken heart!
why was she your answer
she is not your medication, just a fabrication of ones imagination.
i will be the retaliation
i willl not release without war
or should i let you slide through my aura
like water through the word work
i feel hallow
bang on my chest
echo
overwhelming emotion bouncing through me
can you feel my hurt?
i would cast it out
if it wasn't burned and etched so deep.
your words, can't forget.
were you even real?
was love ever true?
i'm torturing myself
while you put on a happy fiscade
but i know YOU
oh yes, i know you more than you think.
and someday you'll come back to me
but these arms will be filled
my thoughts, pure.
my heart will have found its cure
you will be remembered
as my self-inflicted inner suicide
and i will be reborn
reincarnated, refreshed, renewed.
you will not be foregotten
althought i wish time would erase you
but instead
something new will take your place
i will shine and glow
i will burn through your darkness
with happiness and new life
rebirth.
you cannot hold down the sky
even if the clouds and rain must fall
so my addiction,
i've put myself in rehab.
each day gets worse.
before it grows easier
but watch as light transcends from my face
down to my fingers, to my toes, gently glowing without a trace.
i shine in glory
for finally finding the truth
i'm sorry lover,
                         my drug,
                                         partner,
                                                      be­st friend.
each moment is a faded memory.