I never been on
Verses & Flow or Poetry Slam
don't get me wrong
I'd love to be
but me sharing like that on "mic"
scares the ******* life outta me
yet I admit
I want to in fact would love it
But right now-
I can only tell you how I feel
&
this is how I let **** out
express me&sometimes; let you in
so this is a poem I've made about this dude.
A dude whose comforting and new
a dude whose lenient
and beautiful inward & outward.
He talks to me of so many thing
and he has a mind that speak more
volume then money....
I've been know to deal with them baller's
those who'd spend on me-
the moment I call em.
He's gentle and kind,
mindful of me & my needs
even
funny even at times
when he's joking round with me.
He lights my way and makes me see
not of everything physical,or ****** either
but of inspiring dreams
for me to do better
than what I've been told I could barely achieve
from listening to past assaults
and dead weighted-ended relationships...
To opening the ******* door
& letting me just be ME....
My hair weaves
he complimented
and my braiding techniques too
from my beautiful big lips
plus this luscious **** hours glass phat *** shape
he says baby your amazing
then kisses my forehead
like Taye Diggs did in both The Best Man movies.
When he touched my breast- not in a ****** way
I felt finally safe-
cuz I asked did you feel the lump there
he kisses me on my cheek
tells me it's ok even if my hair falls out
and all my weaves went away,
he's seen me without em,
seen me with out makeup too.
No need to worry since there isn't even a lump,
so he says & I smile widely.
but if it was I'd still be the most beautiful
this he promises me
and looks me right in my eyes.
This dude says he watched me sleep
sometimes until the early morn
and looked at me like I've never
looked at myself.
Mind you I know I'm fine
but barely was I ever able to know my wealth,
to even ******* know myself worth
or who I really was.
Sadly so beautiful but yet I'm so tainted & insecure
He's seen this about me long ago
yet I thought before him-
that love had to hurt
that the pain I've caused me-
from dealing with other types of "love"
from dudes due their share was somehow real
Other dude's who'd spend
and who'd **** me deep & put my *** to sleep
was what love meant
this "love" I was so used to-
was pose to be fist knocking back my head
eyes black in their sockets,
clothes ripped off
and me being slammed to the ground ******
and left bleeding
Left, deserted, abandon
and me sore bruised-
from ever part of me
cops coming once a month
or when he ****** his boss & I went the *******.
Or love was him- telling ole girl in Chi Town
how much he couldn't live with out her
while sitting on the toilet in my house-
in my bathroom after ******* me
and calling it making love.
Or love was pose to be in my head
when he let his cousin get away with ****** me-
yet I was the who got her *** beat.
I thought from
the age of 6
that I was pose to lay there
just spread wide for you
and let you use me
pinch
poke and rule me!
I didn't know this kind of man
so every time dude came around-
I'd chase him away.
telling him
NAW man I don't date white boi
(that's slang for boy)
but
I've dated the Italian and he liked them easy women
the ones he could change and manipulate
I've dated the Natives born of this "America" land
he showed me what my mother tried to hide-
like a drunkard father beating her at night
this was the Native
who wasn't taught how to eve3r be a man
Then there was Paul-
a mixed up race/breed Native too-
Apache yet Mexican and yet American
in New Mexico they're called Chicano's
so guess that what the **** he was
he had the short man complex
and couldn't bother to talk
he thought *** would be pleasurable
but sadly for me & him
his baby toddler *****
just didn't do the trick.
So hurting worded voices loudly spoke
caused me abuse,
I guess it's still my fault-
I allowed them to hurt me.
The smooth talker,
Casanova,
The Ballers,
The players with the nice whips
(That means cars y'all)
The man who could **** out my mind & my brains
get my ***** wet before he even got to my house
The Mr. Fix it-
whose good at fixing ****
but not for being committed
cuz his check wasn't enough to even put a dent in my rent
and his habit of scathing his *****
and calling me ***** just didn't work.
So these are them type motha fuckas
I'm used to-
like ole boy
who'd carry my books
and help me with all my assignments in college
for a peek yet talk and brag about the *** he hadn't ever hit
not me but that's the story he told
lying since his reputation depended on it.
Sorry but this was my thinking this was how it went
& how it was meant or pose to be
yet
the Egyptian had it best
on top of all these dudes.
His was the ultimate
because his lies where centered
by half truths
which I know
know were more lies
than his word sworn on a Qur'an,
he'd **** his best friends wife
then beat me into submission,
**** me- buy me....
BUY Me,
Bought me
like a slave from way back when
buy me
love me
then buy me some mo
He'd buy all kinds of **** to keep me claiming for me
houses, cars, jewelry,
and name brand items- I'd have a black eye,
ribs smashed to pieces,
but **** I looked real cute
limping round in my new **** from
Sax 5th Avenue, Dolce & Gabbana, Prada & Versace.
**** name it & I maybe already had it
this is the same man who saved me from
being ***** by my foster father,
yet he became like the foster father
he saved me from
seemingly
after we've became husband & wife...
So when dude comes calling
I hold back built higher walls,
push him away,
fight and get in his face,
waiting for the monster to come out
waiting for him
to slam me to the floor or ground
I never believe a word he says
always looking for a reason or excuse
calling him lair and fake
telling him to ******* & go away
never really given him a
chance for him to be my man.
I be mean and I make him wait
but he says I know your pain
and together we can make it
just let's take it day by day.
He kisses me lightly,
caresses me tenderly
massages me to sleep
listen to my every word
and gives great advise,
has been a friend and part of the family
he has opened me
to expressing his own
pains trails & tribulations
never judgmental or abrasive
not even abusive
not even a little bit.
But
my ****** up mind is so scared
so afraid and ****** I'm worried
.
Honestly my hearts succumbed to his un-willful ways
but I can't fathom
once more being hurt
and I don't know if I even want to
yet I think I do.
So tell me help me please
explain
give advise and tell me
how do I say no when for many months now
he's been making me the center of
His Universe?!
Always Me Ayeshah ®
Copyright ©
Ayeshah
K.C.L.N 1977 - Present YEAR(s)
All right reserved ®
This has a lot of cussing/swearing in it so if you're not into it or any other ****** language please do not read it thanks.