Yesterday I came home mad
I had the house to myself
so I went to my room
and packed a bowl
I decided to clean the bathroom
because for me,
cleaning is therapeutic
I took a hit and then scrubbed the sink
I took a hit then cleaned the toilet
I took a hit and then cleaned the mirrors
I took a hit and scrubbed the bathtub
I took a hit and swept the floors
the bathroom I stood in smelled like bleach
and
marijuana
I felt better
burning and bleaching the days gunk away

in my dream I cultivate gardens in the contours of her throat
I plant daisies in the cavity of her chest
let ivy encircle itself in vines in her ribcage
AND SHE TELLS HERSELF SHE'S BEAUTIFUL
as if she wan't already a masterpiece before the artwork was installed

Are you okay?
Are you alright, are you fine, are you good?
Are you adequate, are you decent?
Are you emotionally stable, sleeping without crying, smiling because you want to?
Are you breathing without questioning, are you waking up without trying, are you eating without throwing up?
Are you reading this poem right now and thinking no?
Are you thinking for the first time, will I ever be okay?

You will be okay.
You will be alright, you will be fine, you will be good.
You will be adequate, you will be decent.
You will be emotionally stable, you will sleep without crying, and smile for the happiness blooming inside of you.
You will breathe without questioning, you will wake up to a new day, you will eat easily
You
are going to be okay.
So please smile sunshine
It’s a fine new day
To be okay :)

- a.g.

as a young girl
I told my mother
I would never get married
and I stuck by that
for years

I got a boyfriend
but I knew
I was never
going to
actually
marry him

but as time goes on
and I get older
and people around me
are getting married
and starting lives
I keep listening to love songs
and noticing
what I want
in a husband

and I am not one
to settle
or settle down
but I made a
google doc
devoted to songs
I want played at my wedding
even though
I've never wanted
a wedding

my loneliness keeps creeping
in
watching me
but
I've finally
succumbed to it
and I want
to make it go away

and for the first time
in my ever expanding
life
I want to stop being alone
and can't stop pondering
childlike
dream wedding
fantasies

****