your hand holds in mine, as our bodies intertwine, deep husky breaths that leads to little deaths in the throes of passion. whisked into the basking depths of lust & pleasure. as we drift to dreamland in slumber.

Towards the house you can hear the yelling.
Walking in..
Why did I walk in...
Table broken.
Veins popping on a crimson face.
Suicidal tendencies.
The urge taking place.
Not feeling at home, in your own home.
Rushing upstairs you're better off alone.
Always something new, everyday.
Transcending into a distant place.
Old habits coming back.
Everything in a flash.
Acquire protection before it's too late.
Seems as though those around you control your fate..
Numb.
Always numb.
Bringing you down when you need them the most.
Perfect family?
It's all a hoax.

They tell you that you are beautiful, for a day.
Would they still think you were beautiful if they knew you wished your life away.
Waking up everyday doubting yourself.
"I hate myself.."
"But you have so much worth"
If only you knew..
The constant struggle of being insecure.
The struggle of being a girl..
Lower classmen
"EQUALS"
**** and abuse.
All of that means nothing to you.
Wake up in my flesh and see if you can last the day.
Walking astray the men watch you..
Stalk you like prey.
But everything is supposed to be okay?
"You are beautiful. You have worth"
Clearly beautiful with a ripped shirt covered in dirt.
Brush it off.
Wipe a smile on your face.
Trying to please the standard.
Learning one's place.
Get over yourself.
You simply don't understand.
Constantly being hurt.
Insecurity driving you deeper in the ground.
Absence of sound.
Lacking confidence due to negligence  
So much worth..
If I have so much worth why is there this much hurt?
Why am I pushed into dirt and expected to act as if everything is okay?
I'm just "beautiful" to you.
Not seeing me any other way.
My own being as if that mattered anyway.
I smile as I feel my inner self fade away.

She was an alcoholic who wanted to go for a swim.
Her kids didn't stop her for they knew she was already dead from within.
She stayed out there from 4 p.m to 10.
And when they found her the water had frozen over her head.
She was a good person, good mother, good friend.
She just had a lot of issues she needed to tend.
She never asked for help because she didn't want it.
For she knew she was better off not on this planet.
And when they broke the ice in the summer to get her body.
Her death had finally become reality.
They held the funeral and everyone cried.
For they lost the woman that once stood by their side.
The woman that they never saw a reason to worry about.
Because they never saw the signs because they weren't loud.
She kept her problems to herself.
Why worry everyone else?
They don't care and it's none of their concern.
She just wishes she could get another turn.
Another turn to change things and make them better.
Maybe take her swim in better weather.

I can’t remember the last time I cried

or screamed at the top of my lungs

I don’t remember the last time I let loose

and actually had some fun

I don’t remember the last time I ran

as if I had nothing else left to do

I also can’t remember sleeping 8 hours straight

and waking up feeling good

I can’t remember the last time I wore makeup

and actually felt like a princess

I don’t remember wanting to puke especially on the weekends

I don’t remember the last time I felt content

when I’m alone in my bed

I can’t remember the last time I showered

without any thoughts racing through my head

I don’t remember the last time I looked at myself

and said “Mandie everything will be ok”

I don’t remember the last time I left the house

excited to start my day

I don’t remember the last time I was happy

happiness seemed so long ago

I’ve seemed to to get used to living with depression again

and this time I don’t remember how to let it go