Everyone's drunk around me.
I had a few drinks but I'm not so happy.
Faces seem to be spinning. I'm tripping why the **** did i come to this party.
Drunk bodies surround me.
I thought this would help but in my heart I'm still so lonely.
Wishing someone could wake me or tell me some cute **** to keep me going.
I still think about the pistol under my bed.
I tell myself not to go home, you know you'll end up dead.
With that being said I figured I'd drive.
Designated for myself. I figured my life is worthless so why not give me a purpose and crash this ****.
If that don't work. I'll blast my ****
I'm upset.
No one tells you why they need you until they physically can't have you and i need to hear someone cry for me as they just heard i took my life from them.
I mean tears real tears and to ask God and my body why.
I need to hear them beg for me so i feel some type of worth.
I'm twenty years old but my heart feels 16.
My body feels 60.
My mind has knowledge as if I'm 300.
And for some reason people don't get an overactive mind opens chambers which you can't escape and the fate you have can be in which you place a pistol with one round in the chamber and end everything.

I wanted to sum up every addition problem you ever thought was too complex to prove that someone has enough time to understand how beautiful your heart and mind can be.
I watched you at what you say is your most unpleasant time and couldn't believe how completely captivating it is to see you be you.
In no way do i ever try to step over the line. But if you asked me to skip jump or run I'd probably trip into you.
My eyes are forever weary but your smile energizes more than my pupils to expand  and  my mind to explain to my heart what it's like to have wings.
I once took a breath of you home and my mom questioned exactly why my smile smelled like heavens kiss. I knew why but could never express it.
I hope to one day feel how amazing your lips will sting against my mess of a body.
To interlock our fingers in a tangle while walking through life as one.
I was made to be that half of you that completely annoys your soul. And yet you keep wanting more.

I was tempted to pick up piece from broken people not realizing I was leaving a trail behind.
I would build someone up and not realize i was crashing down.
The thing of it is everyone saw my pieces. No one dared to tell me. Everyone watched me crumble. I stayed humble but my pieces were trailing. I was failing. And i had no idea why.
I became helpless hopeless. Completely out of wack. Till the only pieces left crashed in a flash all that was left of me was the trail of my pieces in a path.
Everyone who i was helping couldn't help me. There three pieces were more important than my 27 here i am wondering why the **** did I even hurt my knees when they just pass with a smile.
And I'm here praying for a better tomorrow.
I learned my lesson the hardest way possible.

You destroyed me and I apologized.
I was sorry. More so than you.
You loaded the gun cocked it back and pulled the trigger. I couldn't help but say sorry for the fact that my blood splattered on you.
Even though it was the slightest stain while i was bleeding out again it was me at blame.
I never really understood that. Why was i so guilty as people rushed and tried to stitch together every **** i gave. I bled out. Still I'm sorry rang through my body because I caused you to shoot me. I caused the stress. I'm the **** up I'm the mess.
My friends tell me it wasn't me it was you. They rearranged everything into the truth yet i heard you crying through phone as i lay almost dead. My heart started beating and you said "why do you make me act this way?"
I dread. I dread the fact that never does my fault or my bad dripped from your lips but the blame. The blame was on me. That was that.
You destroyed me.. And I apologized.

For some reason i want to call you at 2am talking about how great we could be.
No really just you and me
But when you text back in the morning
I'll hit with that waste your time 2016
Because you ****** up when you left me in 2015
All i really want is security a heart with a ******* waiting to hit seniority
Maybe just enough love to get my lazy *** up turn up the volume on the tv
Since the remote disappeared in a different galaxy.
I could never really try to complicate things.
Because 2+2= truth i think or something more
I want those stupid texts that make you laugh and snort when your out with your friends
They look at you like an idiot but only you know what it says
To feel happy about that heartbreak in 2010 because her i am holding your hand

In our family portrait everything seems so perfect
Little do you know behind the smiles are the cracks leading to ruins.
We want the grow up but don't show up just fist fights and a bunch of broken glass an aching past
Got momma in the kitchen tears flooding down her face cause she might catch a case and couldn't afford enough to put a great amount of food on our plates
Her two teens think they're so keen on the roof with a blunt and a guy that lies all he wants is a piece of *** all they need is the fast cash
While baby girls playing with her dolls
The world stalls for her
Til someone picks a fight dishes fly pretty ******* ungrateful
Oh **** someone pulls out a knife
I mean who could blame them
I could blame them
The old ball in the room being a freak not listening to meek but trying to speak greek what a geek got everyone up tight
Little did they know that geek spent weeks trying to plead momma not to leave
That little geek bleeds a razor blade leaving streaks
I mean no one speaks
In that family portrait we look pretty happy  look pretty normal let's go back to that
Back to when daddy actually knew us
Broken promises mentally ******* ***** us
We tried to go to church but the preacher barely even knew us talking about our struggle
**** it
I think momma just gave up 2 ******* jobs and she raised us
Some strangers would praise us
Well behaved for a single mother that would've blazed us if we cut up til the attitudes kicked in
**** this **** i hate this *****
My mother is a queen but they changed up
Hold up wait grabbing babies ears so they don't believe in this love
I swear i never seen so many cop lights
Hands cuffed up
I'm sorry momma
But momma is brave til about two am your not strong till you see your momma break.
That geek tried to stay well behaved but the money started flowing when the **** game made him think
I mean **** extra cash for the rent and some new j's
Everyone believed this house was so great til they stepped inside the overdose became so fake
Let's take a part that family portrait where everyone looked so great see the truth in the eyes and all that pain

Craze driven
   Imperfectly placed
Revised words said yet truth speaking through the veins
  Web of lies tangled in a dishearted brain
  Like a maze
Slip up, trip up, you fall down get up
  Scars eat away at you
    Like a feast
And like a freak you scream and hide
But on the outside you're fine so fine
   Everything is okay as you say
Spinning another thread in your web of lies.

My broken heart strings played a quiet symphony hoping someone would hear the violin in my body needed a tuning.
Quietly is key who hears the silence. Bright eyes & terrible lies crossed up my tongue.
Would you believe someone if they said they were in love... With you.
No I sighed why believe such stupid lies in a time where my lips stuck silent in disguise. Who could love a violin that was out of tune.
A bust bridge & strings that barely sang just a quiet piece being played in my head.
To be in love with me is dumb. Especially when newer violins play fantastic master pieces that would drown you in beauty.
I'm still in repair.

Desperate exhale for your desperation. When does time show the faded colors are still bold in my eyes. I valued the lightness while they embraced the shaded. I could hold my breath in hopes your lips would **** the carbon dixode from my lungs. What is the rain falling on my head washing. Or only allowing me to admit I am sad. Staring into space hoping you lay somewhere close. I think I lost my home in hope. Chronically rearranging my thoughts to store you away from my reality yet you haunt my temples. Pulsating rendering my heart to skip a few beats. Oh how a goodbye would hurt to complete the destined fate we travel a rode for those I would give anything to travel the rode for us. A desperate exhale for your desperation is staining my grip.

The sea will continue its motions. So uneasy persistently crashing & turning.
"Until we meet again" mountains will form & crumble.
Life will go on without any interruptions from up above or down under
"Until we meet again" kisses will be laid on lips
Love will be fallen into.
"Until we meet again" the gentle breeze will blow through hair & sing.
But when we meet again a puzzle piece will be finally put together.
Time will stop & hearts will sing forever.
"Until we meet again" at heavens gates.
I will wait for you as if time is not passing us by.

Secondhand smoke
cough
Chronic coughing inhale the poisonous atmosphere.
cough
I wish I could clear my lungs yet arguments about stupid **** infest the walls
Deep breath
What exactly is fresh air?
Loud bangs echoe through my insides nowhere to hide
My mind drained in the lies
And dear God I swore secondhand smoke was a lie

I'm trying to find the girl with the crooked eye, who stole my heart before I could reach the sea.
They warned me "old soul watch her close"
Yet I dared to venture forth.
Her eyes were prisons holding you in their reach. Ripping away slowly at your insecure sanity.
Her lips a sweet poison.
Dancing about words sank into you as if fangs punctured your flesh.
"Watch her motions not her words"
Her fingers slide across my temple.
My skin creeping as her touch possesed my pores.
Ahh a rage fills my lungs
How convincing how deceiving how quickly she ran away with my heart
I fiddle my thumbs in frustration devastation humiliation
"I told you so.." an out pour of laughter as the elders heard of my disaster.
I am no longer the master
Just a capture
Locked behind her eyes
Oh how cruel how shrewd
I'm the fool that sings the blues.

For the hearts of the free and the home of the slaves.

The sun set blue
Cold as ice it set at noon
Delicately drifting through.
Sooner no later the hazel eyes kissed the horizon bringing so much more than understanding to the *****
Smoke drifted leaving her body loose.
Corrupted allegations
Dense regulations
Her hazel eyes kissed the horizon no sun insight.
Just radiant green streak with an orange light.
A pupil that cautiously dilates.
She was my morning light

Fist flying
Fury, madness and diluted poisons
I'm narrow minded
Hands locked in the deathless salutes
I'm breathless
Crushed lungs
Ballets continue with feet tapping
Fingers wrapped stuck trapped in the heartless heartland
Here I am
Here I am
Speaking lifeless words drained in the voices
Talking..
Who speaks trained ideas of simple minded parasites
Heads clashing, thrashing
Blasting fire ***** around spiraled conclusions.
Here I am

I heard you found peace in your darkest demons.
  I mean the ones that laugh and speak when no one is listening.

I am the silent screams of
         Saturday morning after a drunken fight of Sunday.
       Tidal waves of emotions drown my mind
          Corrupted ideas leave my veins wide open exposing my inside to the
   Poisons of life.
              I am the burning flame in the
     Eyes of December rain
  The freezing particles most people just forget my name.
       Transparent as if disguised.
   I am the 7 years to life in 2012
       Captured for the pills that drained every good in my heart..
  Reaching through bars for someone to realize I'm alive

Silent screams from self indulged diluted paradoxes casts a spell on the unforgivable lips kissed by the devilish characters dancing upon a grave settled by many.
Transparent silhouettes race to embrace their simple structures some unattended by close perceptions of love.
Drained from pupils an acidic remedy consumes the purity of the children laughing a bout.
Fists crossed in anguish pollute with devastation causing a fury manifestation corrupting innocence not so sweet.
Society speaks in vocal peaks damaging the mentality of not 1 2 but 3 million in one millisecond.
Yet no one believes how well proverty speaks.
Uneducated, unemployed disappointments most see yet the struggle at face is way more than ***** sheets but ****** hands covered in fibers of cotton that stained green.
Pity pity pity me no us no we.

"Don't speak to her again.."
Echoed through my chest.
  It hurts like hell
It all hurts like hell
Losing her is like losing me
How could this be.
How?..
That question eats away at me.

My fingers grazed over the pages of a book as the words stained my skin.
Promiscuity.. punctuality.. prerequisite.
Words with definition unknown to my simple mind.
The words stained deeply.
Causing a story to be written on my flesh
I wonder if others can see it.
On my forehead it began at least I believed
It wrapped around my whole body spiraling.
The depth in the words raced through my soul
Hurt, passion and love fell victim to my inked skin.
The lettering encrypted crinkling speaking of passion needed to be set free.
Rain nor just water washed it away.
I literally wore my heart on my sleeve as the deepest secrets I held read clear there.
I placed my hand on a book and my body transformed.
I was a story of my own
I did not master my words yet my story grew.

The clash of ash as the gun bangs
The monster under your bed is mystical
But the one in your head is positively real
He controls everything. Even your fears
He is the one who swallows your tears
For years..
He is the dark mist that fills you with bliss then pure manipulation
The anger in the wind that makes you lash out at random
He is the nightmare that eats your brain
Hell driven & insane
Deranged.
Yet you never complained
This monster your best friend
You were never alone.
As you grab your head.

I just pop an extra pill
Man I'm feeling sluggish
My baby up and left
She's said I'm overly jealous

I'm hellish
A little tipsy off the *** tonight
Tell me if your up tonight
I don't want to keep you up all night

But since you left
I'm going to double text
Blow up your line
Until I pass out this time

See we been here before
Fights all crazy
We been here once more
Words are getting lazy
Why aren't you here to tell me it's alright?
I'm asking because just maybe you are right

But you said you had to go
But my arms are your home
I swear I'm just scared
I can't be alone

Let the drugs call my name
In your voice they scream out take away your pain
Alcohol to drown it all
Girl I'm going insane

Your phone number on speed dial
I might drive your way
But my vision is twisted
The roads are spinning

I tried to reach you but I can't dial your digits
Oh god I'm praying
The car is racing
My eyes are bleeding

I just wanted you here
But my anger is too strong
Like the ***** spilling in this car
The light I swear was green

Baby can you hear my scream
Ohh no no
Ohhh no no
I can't believe this scene..
Body laying dead
I can't believe that's me.
Now you crying cause I did this all for you

Gun in your hand.
Baby no!
You say we go as two..
****..

My body is ash
My voice is breaking glass
My heart is stone
Ever since you left
I have no home

I let the blood run
  2 am..
It's 2 am.
I should be asleep but instead I found a thin piece of metal
A blade
A beautiful blade
I think how does it feel
So I sink the edge in my skin like teeth & it stings
Oh it stings yet I feel
I feel it ripping my flesh
Releasing the blood within
A rush
What a rush
So I need
I need it again and again
How deeply will my skin indulge the metals end
Sitting in a tub I freeze
Blood fills past my knees
I start the water
I watch the color swirl
I need more
Just one more
But this time it was just an inch too deep
The sting rings pulling my body to sink
Head submerged I forget to breathe
Then what's next no one will believe
The vein sliced more like severed I was reaching for heaven
But a horrid cry asking why.
All I could say as the water drained "I did it for the pain mama I did it for the blade.."

At night I cradle the words you speak
I pray to the heavens for the possibility that we may be we but in more than our love can transpire.
To send our love , our souls & mend the heavens once broken in shame.
Ask for forgiveness but love with the power that will never change.
And if we fall asleep in the depths of pain a hand from the heavens will reach and pull us from our hurt
Pull us from the dirt
Allowing us to rise from and be set free to the clouds
All I'm asking for is the rare chance you will be my greatest forgiveness and best mistake
Take this heart god has blessed me with and allow me to show you my true beauty.
Trust in the faith that I will hold you as an angel
Praise with you

It's those homes filled with the still silence that captivate my imagination
Tell me when will it fill with anguish and ignite
Waiting for the volcanic eruptions at night
I feel the devastation of the children
Covering their ears from this vile institution
It's the homes that grow dark before dawn that bellow my intuition
The homes like my own
Where the walls bleed the craze of contemplation
Suicide is the door bell eoching through the isolation
Cries of lies are the flames that blaze the crippling imperfections
Those homes with no lights to guide
Just like mine.
That intrigue my inner hatred that never was allowed to believe

I would never write a poem about you. .
Rather I'd trip over feelings that are so true
Trying to attack.
Relive, transpire.
The feelings we once knew.
But I'd never write a poem about you.
Not about the poisoned filled lips that kissed my worried cheeks
Or the mesmerizing way you walked
Oh how you walked so keen.
No never would I speak of the way I fell in love without plan
Especially when I fell & you just ran
Why waste a rhyme scheme
Why waste the precious words I've developed to address my emotions
When I was a 3 & you were a 10
Now all I have is us in my dreams
**** this reality
I would never write a poem about you
As if there weren't already a million written just stuck in my head

I hope you see. .
The blood I bled isn't as deep red as the rose.
But as blue as the sea.

She sat with an open bottle of society.
Her cuts were deeper than her reality..
Her drugs were cheaper than the help she needed.
A world of hurt, her arms are bleeding.
Her eyes are leaking
She is internally screaming.
Welcome to the world of the Overdose of a Teenage Ghost

I was itching
Twitching..
Just a bit too much after the sting consumed more than my arm..
I wanted to know exactly why my daddy left
So with that I did everything he did.
I remember seeing the hole in his arm. .
The first time we actually met.
I touched it & images shot through my brain
How he wrapped a belt tightening the strap
Pushing in the needle
His eyes roll back
I wanted to understand
How my father could love a drug more than his little girl
What was so special?
How'd this drug cause him to be the ultimate magician
I mean do the greatest disappearing act.
So I did exactly that.
The rush driving my flesh to inch off my skin
My soul escapes.
My body lies limp
I hear the rushing of blood flood my veins
I guess I'm not as good as my dad because this time I got caught in that time frame
Never again to blink
To think..
I just wanted to be..
More important than the drugs .
Daddy's little queen ..

I wanted to trace her spine with my tongue.
She only wanted me for the high of her ******.
I only wanted her for the rise in pitch when her screaming turned into completely ****** healing
I loved the way her legs wrapped around my head.
As if she wanted me to stay.
As my tongue flicked & licked.
My mouths indulging her juices.
The air filled with lust.
Gripping & ripping. .
I felt her body rise
Legs tighten
A moan of satisfaction quenched my thirst.
Everything flowing.
I crawled up her temple
She helped lick off the fluid from my face.
With no hesitation her hands were placed below my waist.
She ran her fingers through me.
Arch my back with the movements.
We move rhythmically.
I feel her. She feels me.
I can't hold back the emotions.
I release a few satisfactory screams
In this moment I say "baby you make me weak. "..

Fearless. Standing on an edge of a cliff. Fear less as i take my last breath. As if I'm waiting for my lovers reach. Inching toward sudden death as the cliff begins losing my feet. I close my eyes. My body picks up speed. A 20 second fall turns into forever for me. Memory upon memory is seen. The first day my love came to me. Her smile and rose cheeks as she looked at me. Her sweet kiss as our lips would meet. Her soothing voice calming my soul. I will always love you she said even when you are old. I fall a 1000 feet. No need to live without my love. As the feet become inches from me & the sea i never wanted more than to feel her next to me. She had past a week before. I couldn't last anymore. I gave my body to the sea. So we can love for an eternity.

I was infatuated with the highs
She was infatuated with the lows.
We couldn't handle the blows.
Good god we lost our souls.

Destined fate restored, artistic, prowling ponderously under my nail biting exterior she saw the beauty in the way my eyes glowed devilishly unshaken. I explored her covert. Lavishing lashes pranced about her glowing pupil. She felt intensely vigorous letting her hands demolish my unseen temple. Lips laying rose tinted kisses upon my lying fortress. Unclaimed desire to escape the tidal waves. She answered in great confusion to my curiosity. A bitten lip, weary eyes, sharpened words stabbed at the heart in hand. Yet reluctant to see that as the answer i persuade my inevitable heart to rapidly beat to the sound of her singing. As her tempo began uncontrollably my heart simultaneously racing. Thudding almost as if fireworks went off in my chest blessed. Yet heartbreaking in such since the way she walked was always away. I persumed maybe just a bit to soon. Then her hand grasped mine & our feet waltzed on the moon. The fireworks were no longer in my heart but in the sky. Out of the depths of neverland a loud clock trembled through us. I looked away for a second or two. In that instant i was left only holding the cloth.. fury & heart ache. Curse you time. Love never waits on me. It rushes my life..

Passionately dancing on a burning blazing pit
Kissing the lips of an unmarked slit
Blood being dazzled across your finger tips
Hearts in a frazzle jumping to find a quit
Sleep dancing nightmares dreaming of monsters
Ripping at the brain you, are ashamed to have
Refraining the truth from the lies being stabbed
Tossing & turning reluctant in the past
Tripping over faith with death in your hands
Running in circles from the beast you create
Sipping the blood of those with your fate
Learning the jokers ways
Killing the innocent for the sake of your brain
Madness in nightmares fears in dreams
Never awaken a beast you can't tame
Sleep dancing sleep dancing the horrid dreams away
Feet not burning on the fiery flames.

I need you right now to tell me you love me she screamed.
With tears flooding her face her eyes had a haze
she reached in the distance
She reached..
But nothing was there..
No one could hear her scream
Her voice muffled by the pain she retained life..
Life as she knows it has been swept away she stands..
She stands in the middle of traffic headlights swerving
Colors illuminating her mind
She feels her body grow heavy
She collapses reaching & screaming
Reaching for a pigment a vibrant hallucination of love
In the middle of a busy street she lays gripping the pavement leaving traces of blood
Her wrist slit eye lids heavy her voice is heard yet she is screaming pills spill across the floor
Broken, hopeless completely incomplete..
The white silhouette begins draining.

Take me as I am..
Why won't you just take me as I am?
I exhaled the broken glass as ash filled my eyes. My only resource now is to cry.
I am unseen , unsure of the bleak misinterpretation of how to love.
I am the girl in the dark corner grasping my face so you won't see my horrid unwantedness
Trapped in a hell of massive trash.
I am that trash.
Depression. It's not even depression.
It's a drowning.
I am drowning in the words of self loath.
Self hate. A strong separation of smiles that are fake.
Tease me.
My rugged attire makes me unpleased, unpleasant.
Just drastic.
The prowling of the night kills the rapid storms chasing the good I may see.
A teenage drama queen couldn't even express how depressed that line made me.

Hollowed chest.
"I never anticipated hurting this bad. "
She whispered.
" You grow up with the idea of love.  Love never changes. You carve that into your heart & soul.."
No one was quite listening..
So she screamed
"My deepest apologies. I guess you didn't hear me speaking. No one ever heard me speaking.."
She collapsed on stage as if she waited forever to say exactly that.
Those words just stuck to everyone.
As if a 5 year old placed too much glue the words were slapped onto their faces, forced into their ears.
All she ever wanted was to be heard..

I am swimming, in drunk regrets and unreasonable demons.
I have lost my voice and sense of time..
I try to capture the essence of life but I wind up at your door.
My eyes filled with love and regret.
My breath filled with drunken heart ache.
I slumber, I slouch, I slurr words i normally can pronounce.
My eyes red as the blood seeping through my lips.
I find it a battle to let my battered fists hit the door you hide behind.
This time I will change.. I promise.. I couldn't tell you I meant it but I thought it.
I found myself sitting on your porch step, head in hands crying..
I know it's unreasonable, my actions to leave unthinkable but tonight..
Tonight I need you more than I need to breathe.
Can I work up the courage to possibly have the door slam in my face.
I'm already broken so what will that change?.
I just need you in my arms before one last time.

Dramatic in action.
Crossing up what & when to possibly define why.
Why must I be so captivated in the understanding of this silence?
When did this silence take over the noisey out bursts of how?
Just that my mind races as if it was going against the speed of light.
Taking off into a distance with thoughts clouding my brain.
Yet I feel as if I'm mute.
Can't say much..
Can't say much at all.
Silence on the outside while a hurricane of words flood my inside.
Just only if I cut open.  If I just bleed out then maybe the syllables & metaphors that only I understand will be released for others to grasp .
If only it was that simple.
Yet I stare off in crowded rooms as words start rhyming.
Conversations turn into poetic horizons.
Love, heart break & rumors start to fill every inch I am clothed in.
I want someone to understand the poets curse.
Yet I sit in silence acting as if I'm listening to the words but they go unheard because my beating heart repeats this destruction of words that took hold of my tongue.
Mentally distracted. Frustrated a bit Frustrated.
Oh god do I wish this silence turned into yells of rhythmic freedom so this poetic jail gave me just a tad more leisure..

She had a beauty that would tangle your tongue if you ever tried to describe it..
You form a stutter as your heart tried to reiterate the words fumbling from your lips.
She would just look at you..
Then a knot would twist.
Your mind would echoe you idiot as you just tried to put together a simple sentence.
He.. hel..lo.
You couldn't really look up but you knew her smile has risen kissing her face as her eyes glowed in awe or complete amazement.
Her love was a tongue twisters. Hearts collapsing falling in this evident love that couldn't be denied not even by the tongues tied.
Lyricist she spoke more like sang her voice mesmerizing.
Have you ever choked on the alphabet & threw up nothing close to what you were thinking especially when all you could think is oh god she is beautiful.
Tongue twisted with the romantic poison of a crush everlasting..