I cannot be as weak as this
I pick the **** up to my lips
Inside I cringe
at every binge
I do despite my thoughts of right.

I believe I can control myself
but, I must be thinking of someone else,
for this dependence
that's over me
has taken my ability;
- to see the good in all that's bad
- to get a smile from someone sad
but,
what's the use of optimism?
what good is hope inside this prison?

My addiction's taken over me
though I have a dream to be set free

But, a prisoner I am bound to me
unless some force inside of me
unleashes strength
unto my soul
Regaining all that drugs have stole
and if this happens
if it only could
that I'd set my old **** down for good.

Something has me quite unsure
of the security I've known.
Eyes see from the mirror
how little I have grown.

Years ago I dreamed and planned
of accomplishing this test.
But, now I sit and cough.
I know I've never done my best.

My resolutions left unsolved
No strength to take my hand
How easy too, to just get through.
How hard to be a man.

But, one thing I am sure of,
and let no one else deny;
One day I know I'll make it.
I will do this before I die.

I'm growing up.
My mind is changing everyday.
The time is passing,
but I don't let it slip away.
With every action
I take two problems into play.
I'll find the answers
and I can't wait another day.

My life's unfolding,
but I have seen it all before.
One day I will be rich,
although for now I may be poor.
The doors aren't open,
yet it still feels like a tour.
But, there is chance
and that's a fact I can't ignore.

I heed each step
yet I care not about the stride.
I know I'll get there
and that effort will provide.
I'll reach for stars
and that someday I will decide,
that I have made it,
and then I'll find a place to die.

I am alive inside this page.
You've but to read to set me free.
I beg, I plead to you who read;
read on to help me. Set me free!

I've been inside here for so long,
just waiting for someone to glance,
upon this page and then to read.
To unwittingly give me a chance.

I think you'll help me. Will you not?
You've read to far now just to stop.
Your instinct fools you. Your interest pulls you.
You find this page is hard to drop.

My freedom comes with every word,
with every verse that you will read.
I know you're empty. I will fill you.
I will become you when I'm freed.

Now its too late, for I am in you.
No longer shall you live as free.
I give you my prison of the page.
Your body and soul belong to me.

What a special day I had today.
So special, and it was not even mine.

The sun was warming.
It was God's wind blowing.
And for once, we all were there,
and all our love was showing.
And the children
in the day,
they were laughing, having fun.
And everyone was smiling.
It was all I ever I wanted,
and it was not even mine.

My sister.
It was her day.
And yet the sun could almost die,
but for the radiant Patricia
could keep any heart alive.
Immaculate,
in white and lace.
Enchanting. Captivating.
The gods above did fall in love,
but she shall keep them waiting.

Her husband.
It was his day.
He thanked us just because,
we were who we were,
and he was who he was.
He was genuine in his embrace.
Sincere in his smile.
There beside my sister,
he seemed to strike a certain style.
I knew they would be happy.
This love will last forever.
I could feel it in my heart,
and it was not even mine.

I saw my mother.
She was smiling with a tear.
My father sighed and shook his head,
perhaps somewhere in yesteryear.
Here, witnessing the true event
of what pain and sacrifice are meant.
Knowing in some way she's leaving.
But, in marriage, true believing.
I wanted to laugh as well as cry,
and it was not even mine.

My sisters.
They all did contest.
Competing with the bride.
Resplendent.
They did look their best,
I still cannot decide,
if it was they that looked more beautiful
or more the day
and all the view.
And as I looked around at wide-eyed guests,
I knew that they did wonder, too.

My brothers.
All so strong and cool.
Among the guests,
so sure to fool.
Of four, three of us still *****.
We swear those words will not be said!
We congratulate.
We poke and jibe.
And yet we keep the truth inside.
We stop and think about our day.
We dream.
We hope its something like today.
I dream and sigh,
and want today,
though it was not even mine.

As we gathered for the photograph
I began to see my flaw.
This day that I had wanted,
it was no ones day at all.
For days that are this beautiful,
and this loving, I have learned,
are only lent to us by God,
and soon must be returned.
But we can take from it our memories,
and our dreams and friendships, too.
Patricia and Mike will take each other,
and a love that lives anew.

Once I thought I would be rich.
My fame and name were certain.
But, long before I found my way
someone had drawn the curtain.

I realized then how wrong I was;
Egocentric and naive.
I renounced my pride and did decide
to be careful what I would believe.

What I found to be important then
was to find the truth in what I feel
To speak my mind
To cross the line
To let you know just what is real.

But, soon I realized something else;
I still was lying to myself.
Denying dreams and fantasies
I caused my flaming soul to freeze.

There is no answer in denial.
The truth has never been my style.
Go with whims.
Trust intuition.
Let my fantasies reach their own fruition.

I must appreciate the truth in fiction
while choosing carefully my diction.
I will follow fame behind my pen
and I realized I knew the answer then:

The curtain never had been closed.
It was my eyes and nothing more.
My ego driving and conniving
to keep my pride and name secure.

I know I must go by my heart;
It will decide just what is real.
And if it rules I'm due for fortune,
then my mind will not appeal.

Upon a bed of nails I sleep,
because its cold and also cheap.
I never have to count the sheep,
nor toss and turn from fitful sleep.

A friend of mine, his head did peep,
into my room (my clothes a heap).
He asked about the place I sleep;
"What strange habits do you keep?"

I assured my friend I was no creep;
"I love sharp nails on which to sleep.
Oh, they go in, but not too deep.
But, when I get on I do not leap."

When I'm in bed, I am asleep.
There is no pain to make me weep.
And though my sleep is not too deep,
It couldn't be so cool or so cheap.