Back then I tried to clean out my heart like it was a closet I’d been filling with bad ideas and painful regrets.
But the memories of us were too heavy to throw away.
So I just pushed them all aside.
And every time I looked to my heart for guidance all I could hear was your name in its beat.
So I couldn’t even breathe without you.
And maybe we fell apart back then so we had a chance to rebuild our foundations.
And now I’ll never let them crack.
It’s as though you climbed my heart like a mountain and left a flag as a reminder of what I’d be missing when you were gone.
And I missed you.
You left a draft in my ribcage when you stole my heart and I’m only just getting used to the warmth of its return.
Every day there was a flashback of what we used to be.
Every night there was a dream of what I wanted us to be.
Now I wake up in the morning and I see what we’ve become.
We fell apart so we could fall back together.
And I did fall.
My love for you is deeper than the Mariana Trench.
And even if you could swim that deep into my love for you, you’d never understand just how much.
Back then I didn’t believe in fate.
But now you make me believe in anything.  
In everything.

I'm dying to bleed.
Bleeding to die.
I can't decide.
The uncertainty itself is killing me.
Standing at a crossroads and each sign screams WRONG WAY.
Every step I take I hear TURN AROUND.
It's wrong.
It's all wrong.
I'm all wrong.
What's right anymore?
I'm so far from right what's even left of me anymore?
Nothing.
Nothing remains but a certain instability.
An inevitable self destruction.
I feel like I'm on death row.
I know it's going to happen I just don't know when.
WHEN?
When will I have the strength?
Will I ever have the strength?
Will I ever have anything?
Be anything?
Know anything?
Will anybody ever know me?
Will I ever even know myself?
I need a map.
I don't know where to go.
But what is a map without directions?
And what am I without a destination?
The clock is ticking.
Time never stops.
Not for anyone.
3am and I should be closer to clarity but I'm not.
I never have been.
Nothing good ever happens after 2am.
Well nothing good ever happens before.
Guide me.
Somebody guide me.
It's like each cry for help isn't loud enough but I'm too weak.
Much too weak.
Listen harder.
Move closer.
Open your eyes.
Maybe not.
I wish I could close mine to everything I've seen.
To everything my heart has ever felt.
I don't want you to see this
To feel it.
Maybe I have to so you don't.
Maybe.
Jesus.
Maybe.
Nothing is ever certain is it?
Or is it?
I'm never certain of anything.
Except one thing.
I don't belong here.
I never did.
What is my purpose?
Do I have one?
When will I know?
How long must I wait?
My patience wears thin when I am left here to test it
I struggle.
I'm struggling.
Gasping for air.
Suffocating.
Save me.
Save.
Me.
Don't save me.
I don't want to be saved.
Do I?
I get so close and I run in fear.
But when I'm not running I live in fear.
And which is worse?
They could both be over so quickly if I found an ounce of strength.
Just a little more.
But from where?
This is all that remains of me.
Questions within a damaged shell that barely shields a wounded soul and a broken heart.
What use is it?
What use am I?
What use is life when we were all born to die?

A blade just to see if I can bleed out my love for you and though it's never worked before, it's a lesson I keep on faking.
A promise I keep on breaking.
A mistake I keep on making.
Listen closely you can hear my heart breaking too.
My soul screaming.
My life.
Begging.
One minute you're right here next to me and the next we're miles apart.
Not even faith brings you back to me anymore.
If I could leave my baggage in the lost luggage department of a far away place I'd have shipped it there already.
But I can't.
And I can't warp time.
I'm not a scientist.
I'm just a messed up concoction of scarred flesh and weary bones.
Hold me.
Before you leave me, hold me.
**** me so I'll never feel again the pain of not having you here.
If this is where you end our chapter, this is where you end my life.
I've been here before I know I can do it again.
I just don't want to.
I try to carry us forwards but you can't stop looking back.
That's not where we're going.
That's not where we're at.
And you can walk away but we'll only end up lost.
And in the process of losing ourselves we'll always find each other.
And maybe you'll replace me with some other lover.
But the way we feel about each other will always be more than we can feel for another.
And I'll never recover.
Just like I never did.
I'll never get over you and I won't ever quit.
I can't quit you, I never could.
And if I could fix all your pain, put your heart back together, I would.
But I'm trying.
God knows I'm trying.
I'm trying to live but it feels like life is just for dying.
Let me die with you.
Please.
If you walk away from me.
Please
Take my life with you.
Please.
If you can breathe without me, please.
Breathe.

Sitting outside at 3am and nothing reflects the corners of my mind more accurately than the dead of the night and the rain on this page.
No sound but that of others living their lives; sleeping through their dreams whilst I'm here wondering what mine really are.
The ash on my cigarette burning to my fingertips as I run away with the thoughts of what could have been.
The heat of the tea that I'm drinking burning me right down to my stomach just as your words do to my mind when Ieast expect it, when inside I'm so cold.
And you shock me.
You shock my system and I start to crack.
You never cease to amaze me.
Never cease to amaze me.
And where will I go from here?
My hands are exhausted with each stroke of the pen as each line I write is just a recurring thought that has already been discussed,  analysed and evaluated.
The colder it gets the more comfortable I feel.
The more at home I am.
And it's sad.
It's so sad.
I look up at the sky and the clouds are a gentle reminder that maybe I'll never see the stars again.
This place is so dark but the light seems so foreign to me.
Life is so foreign to me.
And towards death I am drawn.
I wonder how am I still here.
But I am.
And there must be a reason greater than this realisation.
The rain never stops falling but the grass never stops growing.
And without suffering there would be no compassion.
Maybe I feel this way so that you don't have to.
Balance.
I fight the lows by getting high.
I used to embrace the lows just to feel.
I don't want to feel anymore.
Can you feel this?
Sit here with me.
Join me.
Read my eyes as the rain clouds them.
Read these words as my tears drown them.
And what do I have left to share with you but the reality of this hell on earth that we must endure just to make it to the other side in the hope of something better.
But is there something better?
And do I want to risk it?
Stay here in this moment hoping daylight never comes or risk the morning sunlight and the hope that things will change.
The heat as it burns through the truth of who I am.
What I am.
But daylight always comes and nobody feels content all of the time.
And the daylight will fall upon me and I'll just want to sleep.
Because I can't stand the hours knowing it's not where I'm supposed to be.

It's like all the time you were gone I was holding my breath and though I didn't know it at the time, I held it out of hope.
The hope it was all a dream.
That I could grow stronger in the lack of backbone that you were to me, tangled beneath my skin and the blood I bled each day.
I held my breath because you took it away.
My soul deprived of love from you.
My lungs learning to breathe alone.
But I can't breathe without you.
I might die without you.
Deprived without you.
No reason to survive without you.
I live for you, love for you.
Get by each day, week and month for you.
For you.
It's all for you.
I work for you, awaken for you, I'd travel day and night for you.
I am you.
I'm here for you.
I'll support every decision you make for you.
Because I make mine for you too.
And we are one though we look like two.
Maybe one day you'll say you love me too.
Again and again.
And I'll love you again.
I'll love you forever.
I'll be your best friend.
Because you are mine.
I'm forever yours.
And my love for you will never be forced.
It's lasted all this time for you.
Don't ever doubt that my love isn't true.

These tears taste so familiar.
Do you come with a warning?
Do your eyes come with a life jacket?
Your heart with instructions?
I wish this was easier.
When I'm with you, there are no questions.
You are my soul mate.
I was created for you.
Just as you were for me.
Do you feel it?
You know me so well and yet you have no idea.
I want you so much and yet you still question my words.
I love you.
I never stopped.
I wish I did for the benefit of both of us.
But why?
Nobody will ever make me feel the way that you do.
Your fingertips on my body make me feel like heaven resides here on earth with us in that moment.
In every moment with you.
And I submit myself to you everytime.
The more I drink you, the more I crave you.
And there is not enough poison in this world to drown my thoughts of you.
To submerge my love for you.
Not a hole big enough to bury it.
It's crazy how deep my heart sinks at the thought of losing you again.
I'm out of my mind.
I worry.
I fear.
I love.

I'd give you my last breath to hear you say my name again.
Because nothing sounds sweeter on your lips.
And drowning in your eyes would be such a beautiful disaster but I'd drown just by choking on my lungs full of love for you.
You haunt me.
My dreams are filled with you.
My nightmares plagued by you.
And my life is nothing without you here.
I feel that it's not this hard for you.
And you don't feel guilty for taking my breath away.
You hinder my breathing.
But you're the crutch to my heart.
The one that fell apart over you.
Over me.
Over you.
And I tried to heal so many times.
A scar remains for every attempt at a new resolution.
But no matter which path I take,
No matter which direction I walk in,
They all lead me back to you.
There is no escaping the inevitable.
And nothing else ever compared to home.
Well you're home to me.
And that's where I want to be.
When I leave your side I'll be lost again.
And I'll never be where I'm supposed to be without you.
And I love being with you but the knowledge that I have to leave is killing me even when you're in my arms.
I want to give you everything you want.
Because when I'm not here I can't
And I know you're not mine.
You're so quick to tell me.
But no one will ever love you this good.
This much.
No one will ever know you like I do.
So they'll never be able to love those parts.
I'm not perfect.
I never professed to be anything more than average.
But my love for you is so much more than that.
My love for you has no expiration date.
It will even exceed mine.
It will only ever get better with time.
With age.
And maybe you'll say goodbye again.
And maybe you'll come back to me.
But I know I'm not going anywhere.
I'll always be right here.
So if you ever want to come to me,
If you ever want to steal my last breath,
take it.
I'd give you anything I had.
I always would.
I always will.
I know you always knew that.
I know you'll never doubt it.
My heart will always be yours.
And you can deny it to your grave but I'll always have a tiny piece of your heart too.
I know you love the way I love you.
Know I'll never ever stop.
Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't know where to begin.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
But there's no rainbow without a storm.
And I'd never erase you.
I'd rather have heartache and memories than not have you at all.
You'll always be my rainbow.
You'll always be my storm.
And I'll always be the wind that will carry you through it all.

I spent my time with you getting lost in day dreams as I stared out of your window and at the sky.
Making pictures of our potential future out of the clouds as the wind blew them by so fast that I had too many dreams of us to remember.
The sun in my eyes blinded me like your beauty every time I look at you.
You in my arms felt like the world in my hands.
And you lay with your head on my chest, so close to me that I could feel your heartbeat and even though you're sleeping, you still smile.
I find it impossible not to smile with you.
You erase every negative thought and emotion in my head and my heart and I get lost in the euphoria that being with you creates.
Nothing else matters.
I could wake up to this every day.
To you.
Everything we have right now is enough and I feel like it couldn't ever get better.
I find it so hard to believe and yet still, I know it will.
I could have been content laying with you as we did.
I could have listened to you talking forever, breathing in sync with the beat of your heart that has been shattered by those before me.
I crave the intricate details of your past that I was unlucky enough to miss out on.
But I'm here now.
I'm jealous of everyone that left their fingerprints on your body.
And I'm angry at anyone who ever left a scar on your heart.
And I wish I could replace your past but instead I can offer you my future.
I want to know you better.
Know you more.
Know you deeper.
Know you all.
Will you let me?
If you fall I'll be ready to catch you.
And I'll be falling too.
And I know you're scared, you're not the only one.
But erase the predispositions that your past has left you with because I'm not like the others.
Cliché I know, but its important that you understand.
The way I feel I'm lost in this freefall is making me pray that my feet don't ever touch the ground again.
I'll carry you to keep you closer to the sky.
To the stars.
To make you feel like this reality is more like a dream and to keep it that way for as long as you'll allow me to.
The past has been a tough journey and I know your heart is made up of fractions not quite adding up to a whole.
I can change that.
This journey lead you to this very moment and I know you're smiling.
This journey lead you to me.
And I'll help you put back the pieces of you that others were heartless enough to break.
Because I want you to be the most you that you have ever been.
It's you that I want.

The world won’t stop turning without us but it sure as hell will spin a little slower if we get off.
Time goes too fast when we’re together and I’m moved to believe that when we’re apart, it goes too slow.
Time is relative.
And this is love.
We are love.
Maybe not in your eyes, but in mine it doesn’t get much better.
This feeling is what people search their whole lives for, what they live for.
I live for you.
When you look into my eyes I know you see the colours of the world you wish you lived in because you’re right, I could complete you.
I do, because you complete me too.
And there was never a “me” without you.
And without you there’s a space left in my heart shaped like the contours of your body that I know so well, and it couldn’t be filled by anyone else.
I lay with you and listen to your heart beat so carefully so as to try and decipher each beat and your desires.
If I break down your walls, will you tell me I can fulfil them?
I crave the words that you keep on the tip of your tongue; that you prevent from slipping out.
I can read you like a book because you’re on every page of my story.
If you magnified my mind you would be overwhelmed by the intensity of the thoughts that plague me like a disease I don’t ever want to find a cure for.
I don’t ever want to be cured of my addiction for you.
You hurt so good.
I need you so bad.
Maybe you’re my drug.
Maybe you’re my medicine.
Either way, it’s a prescription I want repeating for the rest of my life.

Every thought I have is fuelled by you.
You're my sun during the day.
My moon at night.
And neither could exist without the other.
Just like us.
And I love you.
I hate to admit it and so I don't.
But I need you.
And you are the night sky and I am the stars.
And I can't shine without you.
You complete me.
You are me.
And I am you.
We are one.
If I could steal a star from the sky for you I would.
And you make me feel so high I can almost reach.
But I'd rather be back down on earth with you.
The beat of my heart intensified by my feelings of love for you.
So much love for you.
Adoration.
I'm in awe every time I see you.
And this love will never fade.
Because when a writer falls in love, that story never dies.
I skipped so many parts of your story and I missed you.
I missed us.
I can read you like a book that I want to rewrite with me on every page.
And I know I make you feel like the villain sometimes.
I expect the worst.
I'm afraid to lose you again.
I hope for the best.
But life has a habit of getting worse before it gets better.
Getting harder.
Hold on for me.
We can write our happy ending together.
And you can fall asleep in my arms each night to the sound of the poetry that my love for you has created.
I was made for you.
And you fit me better than anything that was made to measure.
Your hand fits in mine like the piece of my heart that I gave to you used to fit inside my body.
The part I watched you walk away with.
But you came right back.
And you can keep it.
Take it all.
For as long as I can keep you and beyond. My heart is yours.

Your eyes look like they belong to an angel and your smile painted straight from its face.
I wonder when you talk to me, where are your wings?
You were always in the background and I wonder how you ever passed me by.
So quiet because once you strike someone, your entirety speaks so loud.
Way out of my league so I force myself to look away.
Walk away.
Don't fall.
You won't catch me.
But the fall might be worth it so I let go.
You might be worth it.
Your beauty devours me and your voice is like a melody that I can never forget, on repeat to my ears and I'll never unhear the sound.
He's so lucky.
Does he know?
Do you know?
You have no idea.
You know that you're worth it.
You just don't know how much.
And I wish I could show you.
But it's not my place to try.
I don't even know you.
I barely know your name.
And yet all I want to do is sit and learn your story.
But what does it matter when it won't change a thing?
Hopeful and wishful become one and the same.
And you'll continue to twist the words from my mind and onto this page.
Until the ink runs dry.

Your heartbeat is like the soundtrack to my soul and everytime I hold you close I don't want to let you go in fear of forgetting the rhythm.
But you have no idea.
You make me feel so much.
You make me crave every part of you, like an addiction I'm not quite ready to be cured of.
And will I ever?
It matters not at all to you.
Interferes with your life in no way and you love it.
I know you love that I can't move on because if I could, where would that leave us?
You?
Could you live with the knowledge I didn't love you anymore like I'm living with the knowledge you never did?
I'd be your plus one forever.
I'd be whatever you wanted me to be but the one thing I hate being is all that I am to you.
A secret.
And what is a secret but something you are ashamed of?
I spend my life being second best and I'm forced to believe I deserve it.
Maybe I do.
But I'd evade every possible scenario that could make you feel like that.
I'd make you feel like the most important person in the world.
Because to me that's what you are.
You're so special.
I'd never hide you or lock you away.
I'd show the world how lucky I am to have you if you were mine.
And I'd make sure you felt the same.