My heart hurts
And so do my eyes
And what's left of my brain
And my legs ache
It is if as I am running from who I am
All the time.
I love her so much, I cannot even explain how deep
My love for her truly is.
And I cannot imagine my life without her
Because she truly is my light.
But I can't help how afraid I am.
I am not afraid of our beautiful relationship,
But what our relationship might be if
Someone-our school and/or parents- we're to find out.
I can feel tension and anger and sadness swell up inside of my chest
And all I want to do is to protect her.
But how can I do that by hiding all of the time?
We kissed openly yesterday by the lakefront
And my God, I miss the way she looked under that sunset.
I miss the way she tasted with that hint of salt in the air.
I just miss being hers openly.
Sometimes I ask myself and God, why am I gay?
Is there no man who will ever perfectly complete me like
She does? I honestly think not, she truly feels like the only one
Who can know me better than I ever could.
And does any mans lips feel any more truer than when her lips
Are on mine? Everything about me in this moment is a fire that is burning. I am burning and raging against this door because I'm not sure how much longer I can be contained. I simply cannot live in secrecy but if I ever let this flame out then everything would burn. I love her so much and I simply cannot let this flame go because if I did, all hell would break loose and we would both be put to death in the worst manner possible.

I just want to love her the way God meant for it to be, but how can I do that when everyone I've ever loved has told me it is wrong? That it is immoral and disgusting and a sin. I can't believe for a single second that our love could be a sin. Maybe we can't have children and maybe the way we make love is different from the way you do it, but in all honesty, is that what makes a relationship beautiful? I find the way she crinkles her nose to be enough to set a flame in my heart and the way she points her toes when swinging on swings to add to ignition and the way she smiles at me to keep me going forever. I love her so strongly and passionately that maybe I am crazy, but this love can certainly not be immoral. Why would He make me this way? Just to put me in hell? Did Satan indeed win my soul from the moment I was conceived and God just... gave up? No, I cannot believe this for a single second. He loves me and he loves her and he loves us and if you cannot understand how we have maintained this beautiful and loving relationship for so long while staying hidden it is because you do not see the effect that God has on us. I believe that he wants us together, not to eventually cause us pain. I hate lying, and I'm sure God can see it even more easily than my lovely girlfriend does, but maybe He lets me lie because he does not see any other way to let me be with my other half.

Every time I touch you
It is like feeling my future
In my own hands.

You don't want to go
But you don't
want to stay.
What do you want to do?
I'm here for you sweetheart,
All the days of your life
No matter what you choose.

So, it would seem that we
Are both dreaming about
The people we wish would
Never appear in our
Nightmares.

7:10 AM: I knew the time was coming for you to leave me, for you to prep for your surgery and go under. Thinking about you leaving hurt me in every way possible.

7:11 AM: You said it was time to go, but you promised till 7:15. I started crying again, even though I had just stopped.

7:12 AM:  I told you goodbye, even though it was the hardest thing I had done in forever. (I prayed for you too many times in the last few hours, I prayed for a goodbye that was meaningful.)

7:13 AM: You told me goodbye... I hate goodbyes. I never want that to be the last thing I say to someone.

7:14 AM: We both agreed that we loved each other equally. I mean it with every fiber of my being, I love you with everything I am. I'll give you the Universe, don't worry baby.

7:15 AM: You were gone. You said your last "I love you" and left me to say it back with tears rolling down my face and ugly sobs escaping my mouth. Nothing has ever hurt so much, not even when I had that awful kidney infection. I felt like someone took my heart straight out of my chest and ran over it with a stampede of elephants... Nothing has ever pained me more than seeing those words, those three little beautiful words, because for a few mere seconds, I thought they were your last.

Love is wanting the best for them even when its not the best for you,
and I really believe that God was testing me in these last few weeks because I could have left and spared me the tears (not that it was ever an option, because it isn't, trust me)... but I have stayed and I so glad I am still here to support her and love her with everything I have inside of me. She deserves everything I can give her and so much more.
I love her so very much.
And she loves me equally.

I want to stop surviving
So I can start
living.

We went on a date tonight.
Not the sort of "normal" date considering
my sister was there and we couldn't act as
a couple because it is frowned upon with
my family and many others (not that it matters
about the others). But, nethertheless, it was beautiful.
You are beautiful. Even with makeup on, you are beautiful.
With deep copper and black shimmering lids and
pin-point straight hair (unlike your usual lioness curls)
and your gorgeous laugh, it was so breathtakingly hard
to not stare at you throughout the night, darling.
I looked over at you when you had your first tea
(another first for you, I seem to always be your first for everything) and I felt something I haven't exactly been feeling lately,
pure love for you.

I felt the purest form of love for you in that moment.
I watched you as you mixed in some cream in the
"London Fog" tea (My new favorite...Also Sherlocks...Interesting.)
and I put in a sugar cube or two and watched as you sipped.
Your lips touched the cup gracefully, just like they when they kiss my lips. And my heart grew immensely when I realized I was falling in love with you all over again.

I have been constantly in love with you, my love hasn't stopped, and I don't plan on it ever stopping. But, sometimes I forget to appreciate the beautiful things around me, and sadly, that sometimes includes you.
You are beautiful, and I fell in love with you again.
I know we didn't touch much, and I know it wasn't everything you
wished for it to be, but my God, it was the most perfect time
in all of the Universes history.

I applaud you, darling, for making everything I do and live for seem so important... And for loving me while I fall in love with you
over and over again.

Eyes say yes
lips moan oh
and your body moves
with me as I
swim laps
inside of
you.