The only thing you gave up for Lent was me.

Here in some stranger's room,
Late in the afternoon,
What am I doing here at all?
Ain't no doubt about it,
I'm losing you,

Somehow the wires have crossed,
Communication's lost,
Can't even get you on the telephone,
Just got to shout about it,
I'm losing you,

Here in the valley of indecision,
I don't know what to do,
I feel you sliping away,
I feel you sliping away,
I'm losing you,
I'm losing you,

You say your not getting enough,
But I remind you of all that bad stuff,
So what the hell am I supposed to do?
Just put a bandaid on it?
And stop the bleeding now,
Stop the bleeding now,

I know I hurt you then,
But that was way back when,
And well, do you still have to carrey that cross?
Don't want to hear about it,
I'm losing you,
I'm losing you.

I dream of a lot of things lately.
Sometimes good dreams like:
Me being 6 foot tall and
Being the top supermodel,
Being best friends with
Cara Delevingne and
Always partying.

But, then my nightmares surface:
Me looking down at the toilet and
Not caring about anything in the
World except being so, so
Skinny.

I keep thinking that maybe my
Nightmares are actually trying to
Help me by giving me some
"Friendly" advice.
Maybe throwing up
Might be an
Option for
Me.

-R.A.

I've written many of them in the past few years.
Some were long and told the girl I loved how much I
missed her and how happy I was to be in love with such a
lovely woman.
Others were ones that would never see the light of day about
people who did not deserve to hear of my love for them because
I knew my heart did not matter much to them.
And that's okay. I left my heart with those
letters and figured out how to stop
giving my affections to
them.
But, there are some special love letters that I have.
I've given them to him. He probably did not even realize that
they were love letters though. I doubt he did.
To him they were just funny notes and silly pickup lines to
read while he unstuffed them from his pockets at swim practice.
But to me? These little slips of jagged papers were full of what I felt
for him and still continue to feel for him. Giving you piece by piece my heart through jokes and puns really has burned me now and I
wonder if you even realize the damage this burn has caused.
Guess not, but it's okay. I guess I did not expect you to.
So this is me, writing my (hopefully) last love letter
to you in hopes that all of my affections will be
put away and that I'll just be able to
move on.

That's how these things work, right?

the moment you realize
that you **** everything up
from friends to your body to
even the ones you love the most.
that my dear, is what growing up is like.
the feeling of worthlessness and complete
and utter failure is my life cycle.
constantly going from good to bad
in a matter of seconds,
i am a real life interpretation of the word "Failure".

i cant even email my teacher anymore,
because i am seen as "treated special"
and her "favorite". what the hell?
all i am saying is, if a teacher told,
i can understand. but,
if a student told?

ill ******* rip their head off.

rant done

What comes to mind when i
hear the word bitter
is you.

You are bitter.
Not even bittersweet.
Just bitter.
The way I love you and
The way you don't even notice me.
The way I get so excited to see you
and how you push me out of the way.

You are bitter.
*So bitter.

they giggled as i cried.
it was harmless tears.
everybody thought that
i was crying due to the
fact that animals were being
mauled right in front of me.
and yes, that is half true.
but, the real reason i started having a
panic attack was because i started thinking
and thinking and remembering things.
memories were brought back and
i just couldnt help but
put my head down and cry.
he told me that it was
going to be okay because
the animal was alive.
but, he didnt know why i
was crying. he didnt know
that i was being reminded of
the mistakes ive made and
why i will never ever be good
enough.

how do i tell someone that
i feel so useless?
im not sure.

as she wishes him
the best because
after all,
thats what he deserves.

his sweet blue eyes and
boyish smile make her
euphoric.

his laugh is deep just
like her roots are for
him.

he seeped into her
soul and he can't
fight his way
out.

and why should he?
its a nice place to be.
after all,
thats what he deserves

he deserves to be on
her mind all day and
in her heart all night
and in her soul
forever.

I've kissed girls
In my head
Many times.
Never in real life but
In my head, yeah.
They're usually a model or a friend like
Cara Delevingne or
Skylar.
But well,
It'll never happen because
Eh,
I'm crazy.

I think I have more of a chance with
Cara though personally.
I'll just make out with someone else
Until then.

I think of you
So intensely and
Thoroughly that
I think my
Heart might
Explode.

she looked up at the sky

not knowing which stars where

reaching her were already

dead or burning brighter than ever she

realized that marrying the stars can be

risky business but its better to be

made out of stardust than to be

known as a

loser.

i know its probably the weirdest thing
you've ever heard of in your life, but
this man so smart and so attractive,
it hurts. he knows about Star Trek and
hes a bibliophile and he drink green tea
for ******* fun. thats ******* amazing.
he served in the Coast Guard for 20+
years and he has nine children.
he has double major in Physics and
Education. i just really want to kiss him
so hard and feel his ****** hair just rubbing
on my cheek and with his really nice hands
all up in my hair and maybe i better stop
because im in school and this ******
frustration is killing me. ******.

i guess it came out wrong.
i guess i didn't mean to say,
"I only live for my grades."
i mean, i live for the stars,
planets, consellations, and
the black holes.

i live for the universe surrounding me.
but, i guess i was also telling the truth.
the only things i care about are my grades.
i hyperventilate when i don't have the perfect grades.
i literally cry when things don't go my way.
i need the highest gpa possible.

it's my only chance to a future,
its my only hope.
its everything i dream about,
think about,
and live for.

so, i guess i was telling the truth when i
said i had nothing else to live for
except for my grades.

i guess i should've let you
take me to the couselor.
i think i need one.

should have
tilted my head  
                             up
                            
                             ^^

people ask me what i
believe in all the time.
maybe god or buddhism or
maybe even poems that
rhyme.
but i believe in
the universe and
the art that surrounds me
so,
there is a black hole in the
middle
that not many people
do know.
i believe in art
and the smiles on
her face,
i also fall for her
and her un denying
grace.
i believe in books
wether fiction or
not,
i believe in the facts that
tell me the sun is
hot.
I've heard that there isn't
any room for God in
science,
but maybe there is if
you show some
appliance.
and the stars that shine
above,
are hydrogen gases that push and
shove.

the middle of our galaxy is
a massive black hole,
not even light can escape,
nothing ever whole.
you see the parts of me,
and you think, "oh shes so fine!"
but deep inside of me is
that black hole heart  of
mine.

I leaned my bike up against the gate and
Sighed.
Leaning against the window was the girl
thee girl
The girl with her usual
Frappe in hand
And book in the other.
Her flowing red hair
And glasses
With bright pearls brimming and
Shining against her pink lips.
Her face
Fair and clean
Rosy cheeks and
A smile.
Her clothes
Grey beanie
Flowy top
Jeans and
Combat boots.
Rings and
Jewelry galore
And
Even some tattoos.
shes perfect
I think to myself as I
Picked my bike back up and
Started riding away.

Michael,
we talked about your wedding today.
you came to me, and enjoyed hearing you
telling me some personal things.
i now know the date of your wedding,
that you are only inviting family,
and that you want my advice on
where to spend your honeymoon.

i miss talking to you everyday,
but... its what needs to happen.
i am slowly falling out of love with you,
but... its what i need to do.

as always,
with love,
r

He said to "Play the Game"
but what happens when
two hearts collide?
When two players know
the rules and that it's not
just about falling in
love anymore?

This game of Love
would seem to be
so easy: just something
everyone could do.

He said to "Light another cigarette and
let everything go."
If everyone would play and
just let the whole world go,
wouldn't things be easier?

Love is pumping through me.
Everywhere inside of me,
in the cracks and lines
and veins and the sweet smile
I keep planted on my face.

"Don't play hard to get, it's a free world.
All you have to do is fall in love."
Oh Queen, isn't it harder
than that though?

i went to the mall and
i walked past the men's department.
i saw ties and
button down shirts and
nice dress pants;
they reminded me of you.
i shed a tear as i
grabbed the one that looked
exactly like the one i
bought you for
Christmas.
dark blue and
a nice pattern.
i saw the tag and
laughed as i realized i bought it
thirty dollars cheaper.
nice deal.

as i sit here
on my bed
crying over you like some
lunatic
i ask myself:
will things ever get
better?

And I wonder if it's all worth it.
Honestly, I really do.
But then I think about the times I would have missed
if the pills would've worked.
I think about the hands that I wouldn't have
been able to hold today.
How grateful am I to call them my friends?
Even through the slicing words and the
burning eyes,
I am still happy to be alive to know that
they are here.
I also think about the realizations I wouldn't have had.
My ego, which is something I've honestly never noticed before,
has gotten the best of me.
My pride is all but too strong.
But if who I am is nothing but of myself,
then I am nothing.
I think about your eyes and
how I wouldn't get to look into them once in awhile
like I do now.
I may not get the up close view of them,
but hey, at least I'm still able to see.
And I even think about my heart.
My heart has hardened a lot more in its attempts to
protect itself from everything going on.
That's probably the worst thing that you can do.
It makes you lazy, it makes you not care, and it even makes you
forget how to love.

God,
Help. Help us, help me, help everyone who has hardened their hearts and have forgotten how to love freely. I am learning to show the joy you have put into my heart that has been pouring out of me as of late.
I don't know what your plan is and I do not know what you want me to do in the situations that I am in now, but I know that with You, I can do everything and anything that You put into my heart.
As long as it is not hardened, I can give and accept the love that you have poured out into me. Thank you for the life you have given me, I will keep trying, I promise.
Amen

pretty pink lips,
eyes so big.
swims in the sea like
a fish.
but which one?

you are free,
with silly stories and
hipbones that soar,
ill never know the mystery of
you.

you feel like that one place in the woods that you can just be yourself in, the one place that you can just stay in forever and never get tired of because you can see everything so clearly and you can breathe better?
those colors, the beautifully deep earth tones...the sweet chocolate browns and the bright mustard yellows of the leaves and the enchanting greens of the trees surrounding me amidst the openness of the forest.
that is you, this is who you are to me.

I've been looking at myself lately,
I'm kind of good looking.
I mean,
My flaws are easy:
My skin is uneven
My nose is to big
And I'm kind of... Fat.
But there is more than that to me:
My eyes are pretty
I have clear skin
I have nice hips
I'm funny
I'm kind of good looking
I'm smart
And I have a good heart.

I can write beautiful poetry and
I can sing like an angel.

Why did I hate myself so much?
Why didnt I see all these things before?

You write about him like
You know him so well.
Like you've seen the way his
Hands cupped my ******* and
How he said he came when he
Did those things to me.
If you want that,
That's fine.
It's alright.
I'm just warning you,
It's not as fun as it seems it
Should be.

He said he loved me yesterday.
Today he told me that
He'd never hurt me that
He'd stay by my side no matter
What.
That he'd help me fight off my demons because
he understands and he
cares about me.

But he doesnt understand why
I cringe away in fear when he puts his
Arm around me or
Tries to kiss my cheek.
He doesnt understand that I
Think about what my stepbrother did to me
Constantly
And that I cry in the middle of the night because
Of the nightmares
That were once real.

So,
Truth be told,
Sweetheart,
I turned you down not only because I'm
Not ready for a relationship, but
Also because You
remind me of the
Horrid things I
See at
Night.

you see, i see you as
a father figure.
not in a creepy way, but
in an adoring way.
you are so kind to me,
you give me reasons to
believe in myself.
you help me see the
light.

i envy your daughter.
she gets to be with you
constantly and she gets
your undying attention
and your unconditional
love.

what's not to envy?
i envy the way you
care for her and the
way you love her and
how you are a
good father.

i wish i had one that was
good, just like you.
i guess that's why i'm so
close to you, why i even
told you my story.
you deserved to know
because you'd believe me
when he didn't.

thanks.

it was dark,
the things she wrote,
the thoughts she had,
the lies that marked her porcelain skin.
her voice screamed, "help!"
and yet the demon inside
ripped her voice away
piece by piece until only
death remained inside her mind.

her eyes couldn't see the lies
for the fog that was made of pure deception
clouded her mind and filled her lungs
with the lies swirling inside her.
the smoke became too much
and the demons would only let her see
the vein on her wrist and the
box of blades that were just
waiting...
and
waiting...
they were waiting for her to  b    re       a          
                                                     ­                        k
to be p    u  s  h      e            d      to far
to make her feel everything
and then nothing at all.

As she wrote desperately,
trying to find her inner peace,
she died, sacrificing herself to those demons inside
she found eternal silence,
one that not even the angels could hear.
My dear, didn't you know that you were an angel?
Why did you believe the voices that said you couldn't fly?
Why did you believe the god forsaken lies?
Why?

My worst fears are
Coming true.
They don't believe me,
They believe you.

I'll be staying till
night falls today.
I'll be doing
experiments
and testing
out my
hypothesis'.

Call me a dork,
but I'd rather do
this on a cold
Thursday night
than cut
myself to
sleep.

If I was gay..
would it really that bad?
I mean,
I'd adopt a few kids, maybe even save their lives.
I'd show the world that I'm not evil, actually, I'm pretty nice..
I volunteer sometimes too.
But, that's not the point,
is it?

Kids are so afraid to be themselves and
you all wonder why.
Want to know?
Because of all the constructive critisism
we get from the second we walk out of
our rooms.
No wonder my stepbrother doesn't want to
leave his room or
I don't want to leave school;
They're safe havens from
******* like you.

And I let myself cry, but not for long. I'm not going to let you ruin this too.

I'm learning how to find the stars in my own eyes.

She likes you too
So?
I see her (sometimes) as a threat
Rach, you're mine. Only mine
She is great, but what if I lost?
Shes not you
I always lose
Im yours, you won
The war is already done
What war, There is no competition, Rach
I can't lose, please don't leave me
I won't
I've already lost
*Rach...

I would say I love her because
I really do. At first it was friendly,
then it somehow became known
that I had more feelings for her
than I meant too.

But, today I realized that I loved her.
Not the kind of love that couples seem
to feel lately. Like, the kind that comes
so fast and fades so quickly?
No, this is something... beautiful.

I didn't want her to leave.
I wanted to pull her close and
just have her nuzzle into my
painful neck. I wanted sweet
kisses to be planted there,
and for it to heal me like
they always do.

I knew I loved her when I
fearlessly kissed her in the hallway.
it was easier because nobody except
she, Morgan, and I were there so I
didn't have to worry about someone
saying something.

But, in all honesty, I wouldn't care
one bit if someone would have seen us.
She makes me happy and as I to she.
Why shouldn't our happiness count?
Why can I not show my feelings?
I am in love with her, so please
tell me how this is fair?

How is it fair that I have to hide?
Having a beautiful and healthy relationship
full of love and trust and two beautiful souls...
Why should we have to hide when
abusive relationships are allowed and
people who are are sexist and rapists
are allowed to roam the world?

All I ask is for acceptance and love.
I just want to be able to walk around
with my head held high and to
be able to hold her hand, with my thumb
caressing the back of her hand.
I just want to kiss her when I want to
and not feel like I am disturbing others.
Loving her and being with her feels so right...
So why can I not show it?

I love her... I really do.
She is my night and my day.
My dark and my light.
My winter to my spring...
Please don't take my happiness away.

I didn't mean to
Get hurt like this.

/////////////

Halfway up my arm,
They show that I
Shouldn't be left alone with my
Mind.

(T)hank me for what I do between
(H)er thighs, because
(I) know that she can seem
(G)rumpy one minute and
(H)ella **** the next. This is
(S)urely because of me.

shes so tired.
you can see it in her eyes.
and yet she dares to take
college courses and dares to
wear her weird spock ears
to school.

she goes to soccer every day till
6 and still does her homework.
she wakes up at 6 every day and
tries her hardest to get some
sleep at night.

she over thinks (sign of intelligence, right?)
everything and she is kind of a
perfectionist when it comes to school.
shes been slacking with her artwork and
reading but she still drinks green tea everyday.
she just wants to live and to stop being
so afraid of everything.

and her daddy issues slowly get
worse and she shelters herself from
any sort of affection, which is not
okay because she knows that so many
people care for her, right?
dont they?
......

right?

her panic attacks have been getting
worse but she hasnt cut in awhile
and she tries so hard to be
proud but its so hard because
she can barely even breathe
anymore.

there once was a girl
who was an artist, but
here's the twist
a razor was her paintbrush
and the canvas was her
wrist.

"Ugly" "Fat" "Worthless"
they were written
word for word
nobody thought otherwise
after-all, that girl is so
happy, that'd be
absurd.

one night it was raining
and the thoughts became
to much
she reached for her
blades and blood
poured out with just
one touch.

the next morning her
parents found her,
it was an "accident"
they would say.
because after-all,
whould'a thought that
their happy daughter
wasn't okay?

She fought endlessly for
her life, but it
was all to much to
handle
little did she know that
she'd be one of many in
this suicide
scandal.

my journal consists of:
tears
laughter
***** jokes
poetry
song lyrics
death
comics
drawings
love
flowers
nail polish
music
crumpled up to-do lists
love letters
names written in cursive
photos
thoughts;
you know that.
but what you don't know is that
it consists of:
tears from crying over you
laughter over all the good times we've had
***** jokes because they mean more to me than you think
poetry about the way you make my lips quiver
song lyrics about how many times i've fell for you
death because i know i'll never win your heart
comics of how we'd become a couple
drawings of how beautiful you are
love (silly you, always knowing the way to my heart)
flowers because you smell like fresh ones
nail polish reminds me of the time i did your nails and i broke a glass vase somehow
music because you taught me the importance of it
crumpled up to-do lists because you always seemed to be on the top
love letters that i'll never show you
names written in cursive (obviously yours)
photos of us that will forever remain in my heart
thoughts about you;
youyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyouyou
you
you
you're always on my mind and
i can't get you out.

breathe in, breathe out
you're *so ugly,
no wonder he/she doesn't like you,
why would they anyways?
you're fat,
not pretty,
not smart enough,
not tall enough.
you're just not enough.
you're never enough.
and you never will be either.

breathe in, breathe out
my heart beats faster,
my saliva gets harder to swallow,
i start to choke on my own air,
my lungs tighten up,
my head starts to spin,
tears start rushing down my face,
there are too many people in here,
are they laughing at me?
they probably think i'm pathetic,
actually, you know what?
they are right, i am weak
i can barely even go a week without
relapsing and having some sort of
mental breakdown.
i cant, i cant, i cant.

breathe in, breathe out
help please someone help me
mike ashley amy anybody please
i need someone help me please
i don't know what to do anymore
i'm drowning in my own mind please
just someone help me!

breathe on, breathe out
just look at mike, he makes things better..
right? god, his big, beautiful blue eyes really
do make things so much better.
wow. i never realized his hair was so curly...
must be nice to be his fiancée, i'd do anything to
play with his hair. but, i'm not, of course,
i'm not good enough, too young, not pretty enough,
just..... not enough.

breathe in, breathe out
it's your fault you know.
you let him touch you.
you let him do those terrible things.
you let this happen.
you ******* ****.
great ******* job.

breathe in, breathe out
finally my breathing becomes a bit slower as my friends ask if
i'm okay. then i start to get back on track. i think about my
grades, friends, mike (in a more positive way) and i simply just
*breathe.

My biggest questions are:
What makes him so special?
Why is he so much more
Important,
Than me?
Would seeing his smile,
Be more satisfying than
Mine?

I don't even
Have a sliver of hope,
A chance,
A shot,
To be on the "list"

I'd say it's okay.
I'm okay with it,
I guess.
But I don't know,
I'm still having trouble believing that
You'd pick my abusive
Stepbrother
Over me.

You couldn't look at me today when
I took a bite of that apple.
I saw the disappointment in
Your eyes.
But I'm sorry
The fact that
I'm unhappy
Being the way I am
Makes me this way.
I plan to change
My weight
And feel
good
About myself.

I hope you can
Understand that.