Food for my lust that I don't refuse,
even after so many mornings of feeling just so used.
It always seems so easy, then easier to regret,
maybe this time the guilt I won't forget.
Maybe it's how I fight this battle alone,
I need the Savior that I can call my own.
So many times I seem to break,
which only leads to more mistakes.
Passive in the day then active at night,
if only these hormones could disappear out of my sight.
And yes I'm the only one that's seeing it.
Cause as of now nobody's been reading this.
This is a warning, please be heeding this.
All true pleasure is worth more than this.
****, you've been my bully for too long.
You've been my pack of cigarettes and now you're gone.
And now I will no longer hide because of you
Cause now I realize my new strength, and it always true.

You've chosen your illusion,
It drives you from the pain but feeds confusion.
Contradicting your false sense of reality
How could you let this be,
in the name of your fragility.
This cycle, can you not see,
it's pain but necessary.
Hard but part of the journey.
And you can survive as long as you have me,
I'm sure.
This can't be as good as it gets.
And the worse is to come yet.
Denial won't get you very far,
and how you pick these scars will make you who you are.
You can head bang,
and think to complain,
but this will keep on you all the same.
And in the end there's no one else to blame.
It's a human cycle all the same,
and if you have any questions with a "why", it's the human nature that's to blame.

I been feeling the weakness,
I bury it deep inside.
But when I find myself all alone it says "I WILL NO LONGER HIDE".
Maybe I should say a prayer for myself,
not for me now but my near future in life,
but then again I can think some more and know that there will be the usual price.
First I lay down my pride and know this needs to come to end,
then I think back to all that I've done today and quit playing pretend.
I probably got my whole life ahead of me, but first I just leave my shame
and trust it all will be something different and never back to the same.
But **** that now cause I'm paralyzed.
Don't want to live but I'm scared to die.
At least without proper closure,
and perhaps to find a special one and get the special chances to hold her.
But I have no room in my heart for love letters,
and if she's out there then I'm just a second guesser.
And in my mind I'm all alone anyway.
Perhaps it's that if when someone's entered in I end up again somehow a castaway.
But here I am with the stress, along with the pressure, and  all the pain
And why my life puts all this on me I don't know forget just what it hopes to gain.

Hugs are thing I've lived on,
the difference between now and then is that I've learned to go longer without
But now that's a decision that I am starting to doubt.
Now some of my relationships just seem so impersonal,
and if I can remember what it feels like it'll be  a curse and a miracle.
Maybe it's how it gets me feeling emotionally protected
cause I'm strong but this life can blow my chest in,
Maybe I'm just being too overdramatic
If I am then it's most likely a habit.
Being someone who cries it's an emotional release, and I'm an addict
What I'm used to is escaping and keeping an attitude of "let me be"
especially when I try to keep them all from to ever see.
Because what need is there if they don't know what to do, or what to say?
It's a road I've always walked alone anyway.
I've been cried to but what do I have to complain about?!
Keeping a straight head is something I've had to learn without
any guidance. I haven't lived with both of my parents since 10.
I know it's longer than a lot of other kids get, but for a moment can I just pretend
that I can still be affected, that it's understandable to collapse?
It's not like anyone will catch me, I've pretty much seen them all just wait for the emotion to pass.
I've tried to do exactly that,
but then life beats harder with it's emotional circumstance bat.
"Alex, you don't need to go this by on your own"
Thanks, I'll let you know when I find someone who'll help me carry on.
"But just text me when you feel in the bad way"
Okay, but everything you've said is almost identical to what the others say.
And don't get me wrong, I've took of the popular advise,
But it either shows how they don't feel for me or what I've already realized earlier in this life.
This is probably the most I've straight up gotten but I feel there's more to pour,
"but if I do then who reads it"
Self loathing, I do not know anymore.
Sometimes I shouldn't listen to myself, but nobody else would talk to me,
and if they do I can tell their meaning isn't of much purity.
Just don't tell me you'll talk if you're not going to listen.
Communication's a one way street, and lately mine seems faded and distanced.

Pt. 1 then
I've needed to go but I decided you were more important to me
Maybe sometime if you read this you'll know what it all means
I like to be vague as a joke but for you I hope it's clear to see
what you mean to me.
I meet a lot of people and I tell them their the best,
but there is something I notice about you that is different from the rest
I knew you were cool, and beautiful from the start
But what was even more appealing was your heart.
Someday I hope you're in a place that's truly happy
in this life and in this world, will it ever be?
Oh how much I hope that it'll be
I mean every word but there's so much more for me to say,
and I hope I find a way to do it somehow, someway
And I'll strive forever to do the best I can
to continue improving myself as a man
For you and this beautiful cruel world I'll do the best I can
Just let me know what I can do to make you smile
To fix your world and make it brighter if even for a while
And I might fail but I'll strive to do it perfectly, all for you
I've seen the pictures of wires across you and your face
And I knew instantly you were never meant to be in that place
Oh how I wished to rescue you and take all your pain away
Let me take your pain away
Pt. 2 now
And yes that's all very real,
very much how I used to feel.
And still I'm a little embarrassed to say rereading this felt so surreal
But I'm an emotional person, and these feelings tend not to last.
But half of that is how much we interacted after you coming back.
I know you made an effort, just like how I did.
And to think otherwise would be stupid.
And I thought I was connected,
but connections don't work one-way,
and now this is the price I have to pay.
I know I helped you some,
not nearly as much as I'd have liked.
And I can only help what's in sight.
Maybe it's that you might have hid,
probably not what you did.
But all things I got to consider at least once in my head.
Can't help what we are now,
maybe you'll need me another time.
And if you do remember you're still a welcome friend of mine.
And again this is very real,
and now this is how I feel.
Again I'm a smarter person and I hope you too are mostly healed.
I know a bit of what you've been up to,
I got friends with a snap so it hasn't been hard to figure out.
I just wonder if you've any guilt, but that's something I doubt.
You're not too stupid a person, after all of your life I am sure.
But right now do you know of any goal you're going for?
I know I'm not the only one to think this,
just someone thinking of you right now.
Still hoping that soon you'll be happy somehow.

The guilt is back again,
I've peaked and dropped again.
And only from the top I can drop so far,
but maybe I'm shining in the light of a dead star.
And my life looks so much more meaningless now,
so unsatisfactory somehow.
This cycle's just so old but it works every time,
and it never fails to go around.

I love the pen because the tip never dulls,
so that when I make my point it always finely shows.
The pen can build up a man's identity,
and record all his pain,
take away every ounce drop of his energy,
or replenish it all the same.
Its product is dark but its intent clear,
so that each statement is properly and equally sincere.
Try to erase a pen and the ink will continue to show,
but meaning of words from a pencil is too easy to take back,
it's lead's one usefulness in the firmness it lacks.  
So I go above and beyond the status quo
and above and beyond intelligence still too few people know.
They say the power of the pen is mightier than the sword,
but few can explain why so many turn to violence and refuse an opening of diplomacy and proper expression's door.
Words can heal and words can break,
it is man's best invention and worst mistake.
A tool that causes wills to bend and wills to break.
Few get a skin thick enough to protect from its ache and it's sting,
 but all my life I've witnessed it's misusing.
So who do you think you are to try to talk me off and speak me down, cause especially on ability your portrayal of power turns around.
I think, therefore I am and intelligent, or at least in a path to go deeper, you all are always so quick to be shallow and look meaner.
When will others realize their easy philosophies don't work,
why settle for bitterness when understanding's not something easily shook.
True wisdom is solid, and wise truth is unbreakable,
and everyone who gains it gains skill to be more capable.
And everyone thinks to be a dreamer, but few will think of something to do while they're awake.
And even fewer realize how much their joy is at stake.
We all know for sure we live once so why throw it all away 
and turn down a heart brighter than the light of day.
And out of all these thoughts, know that most aren't new
and you would be foolish to think this is stuff I've just now spewed. This may look a lot but I've only just begun,
and you may not see the light of day that I will be done.