I've been silent to let you speak now all I put to myself is noise,
it's not surprising to me that I got tired of your voice.
Your screaming got way too extra and it needs to be cut out.
So I put myself to where all I hear would be tasteful scream and shout.
By now I've given up on you,
because there's nothing else I can see to do.
You put this on yourself as well everyone around you.
And soon the burden will drown, don't forget your ego will too.

Standing outside just to breathe fresh air,
maybe I'm pretty dull for enjoying the feeling of standing there.
But there's just so much to take in, so much see,
so much to hear and feel and experience "here to be".
And yet there's something else here,
something I can't comprehend.
It's a comfort that for as long as I can stand here I cannot understand.
But's it's not a feeling of pure madness,
I know that feeling is long gone.
It's a pleasant aroma, a strengthening touch, and a beautiful song.
I don't know if others feel or felt this,
but I surely hope some have.
It's a feeling better than smiling the widest smile,
or the most jolly filled laugh.
Now I know why I live here,
it's this feeling that I must share,
the feeling that can summon so much joy from only standing there

The feelings I hold for you, are held back by the ways you feel.
But maybe as time goes on, what's better will soon be real.
I could go on about how your words entertain my drive to live.
To be by your side and with you so much more, there's few that I wouldn't give.
You hold me down, you call me out but you shelter me from the storm of my life.
You've taken me to some greater wisdom, such wit sharper than the knife.
You're view relates and still you widen the way I continue to see.
So maybe if I could stick here with you you'll come around and want more me.
This love I can't define, I don't even know how sure.
But what I know is that I love you now and there'll be always more

Tell me why I can never win.
I fall to the depths and depths of sin.
Tell me how long I have to wait for the long term payoff,
I can be on top of the world until the world forces me to get off.
Believe in balance then look at me,
if you're beliefs aren't turned yet then you're probably not looking at me.
Cause sometimes I feel so heavy I tip myself off the edge,
And here I am not even college.
But that doesn't change how much I've seen,
all the tears, all the grass so green.
On the other side of the fence of life,
if they knew how much I've tried to go their I'd surely hide.
I know my reaction's pretty common but still taboo,
and still this all might relate to you.
Yes life is good but is that fair?
Cause all the hate has to go somewhere,
and when it's to be seen, yes, it's one to scare.

Food for my lust that I don't refuse,
even after so many mornings of feeling just so used.
It always seems so easy, then easier to regret,
maybe this time the guilt I won't forget.
Maybe it's how I fight this battle alone,
I need the Savior that I can call my own.
So many times I seem to break,
which only leads to more mistakes.
Passive in the day then active at night,
if only these hormones could disappear out of my sight.
And yes I'm the only one that's seeing it.
Cause as of now nobody's been reading this.
This is a warning, please be heeding this.
All true pleasure is worth more than this.
****, you've been my bully for too long.
You've been my pack of cigarettes and now you're gone.
And now I will no longer hide because of you
Cause now I realize my new strength, and it always true.

I stand this pain so long,
from the dusk of day all the way through past the rise of dawn.
Sometimes look out in empty distance wondering if I shall go on.
I've been so long walking past the pain,
but that that don't change how it's a burden all the same.
Not even worrying about faded dreams of fortune and of fame.
The dark does not only come at night, it lingers in my head.
Pummels my spirit so thoroughly and leaving it to dread.
These thoughts come to my mind, they come from my heart.
It takes my memories and uses feeling that pick and pulls apart.
Remember where this point is is somewhere between heaven and those left for dead.
Because like I said, the dark lingers and the thoughts all come in from my head.

On a deadline and I'm stressed again,
put out in space and running out of oxygen.
Work is good but work can smother,
and bury you in numbness like no other.
Can't wait til I'm done but will I make it?
Receiving pain for pleasure, but can I take it?
My head might not be in it, but till it is I fake it.
Halfway there, not even close.
But I still got time and the ways to go.
Hoping this work don't rob me my soul.
Much rather be doing something else but I'm striving toward the goal.
Will I get done, how long till I finish?
And how much of my life will I have to diminish.
It's worth the work probably.
Keep going, no apologies.
Just shaking off all of these,
Doubts popping up all inside of me

Outside I look at trees,
I wonder what happened to all of the green I knew.
Look what mother nature's style has come to.
Browns like the dirt it'll rot to.
Reds like a blood of her changing veins.
Yellows like little suns it'll miss soon.
What if all the leaves had their own names.
Would we grow fond or grow indifferent all the same?
Diaries full of memories  that differ from what's current.
All made to make the present last, just to preserve it.
Crawling back like you,
nostalgic of all the things we used to have time to do.
Skies white and blue,
just like us, just changing and forever new

Yes I am sick.
It comes from the night.
The pain comes from the drowsiness of nothing's alright.
I'd wish for quick release, I'm dying so slow.
Unless you are next to me, my face you don't know.
It wears a mask of the tired, an expression of cold.
A face saying, "yes, this is my emotional low".
Here my will does not break and my will does not fold,
and all I ask is that I die now if I die alone.
The beauty of the world is hidden in darkness and shallow.
The streets are lit with the windows with doings so foul.
Yes this is the poor, and here lives the shallows.
Who's responsible for this madness, shall they go to the gallows?
There's still so much to do, and so much to be done.
All under the span of the lights before the sun.
The stars are so quiet, they must be too shy.
Or maybe, just like me, they're waiting to die.

I been feeling the weakness,
I bury it deep inside.
But when I find myself all alone it says "I WILL NO LONGER HIDE".
Maybe I should say a prayer for myself,
not for me now but my near future in life,
but then again I can think some more and know that there will be the usual price.
First I lay down my pride and know this needs to come to end,
then I think back to all that I've done today and quit playing pretend.
I probably got my whole life ahead of me, but first I just leave my shame
and trust it all will be something different and never back to the same.
But **** that now cause I'm paralyzed.
Don't want to live but I'm scared to die.
At least without proper closure,
and perhaps to find a special one and get the special chances to hold her.
But I have no room in my heart for love letters,
and if she's out there then I'm just a second guesser.
And in my mind I'm all alone anyway.
Perhaps it's that if when someone's entered in I end up again somehow a castaway.
But here I am with the stress, along with the pressure, and  all the pain
And why my life puts all this on me I don't know forget just what it hopes to gain.

History,
Mystery,
I am talking epitome.
Rock bottm's for those who used to be feelin me,
but you know I haven't been workin that ****.
You all know I've been chuggin for this,
like a train I've been transporting coal for this.
Now really think you can punch back to my fist?
I am realer than this,
I won't that the diss. I catch it and throw it so precise to miss.
I'mma severe this, 
like a *******.
Cause I know that this pain will raise me to this,
and I'mma conquer it.
And I will be lovin it, ba dup ba ba.
I don't take promises.
Think that I'll make them and I'll be busting it.
Don't you know by now I see something and stick to it,
I'mma rip this restrict.
I am freedom by this,
and I care too much to be narcissist.
Just try and tell me to "slow down".
I've been working too long to know how.
Been working too much not to own this town.
And if I'm not the best, you know I keep it the realest,
and if you feel this, get on my level, my level of clearness.
Know I'm attracted to clarity,
smoky and dark rooms never worked for me.
And if you wonder if I'm giving my all,
know that I'm giving it my everything.

The guilt is back again,
I've peaked and dropped again.
And only from the top I can drop so far,
but maybe I'm shining in the light of a dead star.
And my life looks so much more meaningless now,
so unsatisfactory somehow.
This cycle's just so old but it works every time,
and it never fails to go around.

Of course I feel like dying, the world's only getting blacker.
Of course I feel like crying, I feel like a disaster.
I see the light through crimson eyes and that appears is red.
It's not hate, maybe its' rage, but I know my spirit's dead.
I take that back, that's not the fact. It's probably only sleeping.
Yet so much I look around and hope that I'm not dreaming.
Cause everything's not so painful and dark, not everything's a funeral
Just get out and smell the roses, this life is also beautiful.

They've had to go.
I know, they couldn't stay here with me
I know, they had to go.

I remember being children, and my friend Aidan, he said,
"Of course we'll be friends til we're dead."
Must have been somewhat true, cause when we parted a part of me died.
And since I've had a hole form inside.

And now that I've tried to slowly fill in the gaps with all of you.
I've noticed I can't do it, it's not about what I do.
It's been about the connections I've gained and collected,
the type of connection that's strong on both ends and perspectives.

And from my point of view I'm still here and all alone.
Never thought I'd lose until it was gone.
Sometimes I just want to hurry to the end,
as if erasing myself will make my wrongs perfect again.

Yes, I see my pride.
Yes, I glimpse the light.
I thought I lost this feel inside.
This whole day's had my head in the night.
This realization brings me to ears, the tears bring me to my knees.
Don't mind my crying, I am only healing, but hug me if you please.
Not as strong I was, I see that by what I've been lately.
My late accomplishments have been more than doubtful, in my mind they've been shaky.
This is about more than just today,
there's still more for me to say.
More for me to sit down give in a chance to pray.
I no longer hear the silence, but these thoughts put me in the dark.
I know realize I'm broken, and broken to my heart.
My mind, it chokes on the thoughts of my feelings.
I think that I'm bleeding,
poison it seething,
through my veins,
through my brain.
It's my intentions that are stained.
Except it creates my memories black and white, the color has escaped.
Don't get me wrong, I know the wrong is mine.
It's bittersweet, the taste is strong and it is fine.
Cuts my heart like a knife, slays my will like a sword.
Takes me to the edge of what I don't know anymore.
Then the light, it shows.
And my pain of wrong, it grows.
Shattered, no longer together.
Never again forever.

I had to let some out,
I'm an emotional person without a doubt.
I don't see crying as a bad thing, an outlet literally for the bad things to come out.
I'm serious, it's an outlet.
It's no okay thing to let those bottled things make you hollow.
Upset and sorrow,
one can last a night and the other could carry on tomorrow.
You could either refuse your pride to chew or take your dose of pride and swallow.
I don't believe a tough person never goes through the motions,
For toughness is the willingness to bend but not break from the emotions.
And crying is to bend, freaking out is to break.
Freaking out is waiting too long to accept what you couldn't take and keeping straight.
This is a point, it's firm and sharp belief of mine,
A rule of life clearly defined,
A bright and bold crossing line.
And others may not see it, that much I know already.
And yet I notice those ones often become unsteady,
this is a life issue, something that we each need to resolve,
something for each of us to handle and even get a friend involved.
Or at least me, if not that I don't know what I'm here for,
that's at least what I think of a friend,
please note that I'm still yours.

I remember meeting you when the world knew you were sane.
Before life tried to finish you in it's game.
Then before my eyes everything around became so distant.
No matter how hard I tried or to who I listened.
It wasn't over after that, me looking at your photos of after you turned black.
Maybe pity got me to mix up my feelings.
Another conflict in my mind, another thing I was dealing.
Then, again you were distant, more I imagined possible.
The reality of you moving beyond everything in my mind was unstoppable.
And so, I just hoped you gained peace.
Didn't matter in my mind whether or not you thought of me.
Not gonna lie, in that time I misjudged you.
You were moving on but better than I knew.
Won't forget seeing you at the fair.
Memories of previously how you hugged me came back then and there.
I was glad to see and again hear from you.
And that thought of you in my head became again a better view.

Under the pressure I'm broken,
my failures are all self spoken.
In case you don't notice, I am waiting to die.
So just let me wave to you, let me say goodbye.
I've taken the pain and I've take the hurt.
All of my share and more, more than I thought to deserve.
I'll hand it right to you, you only made this harder.
You made my problems and burdens and hurting just that much larger.
If it's life I refuse, than death's what I've chosen.
So please respect my wishes as one of the broken.
Or stop me right now, make this moment worth living.
Somehow make this mountain worth the walking, this ocean worth swimming.

Raised from parents meant for me to be a good boy,
then found out how to take this life and play it like a toy.
Seeing both the heads and the tails, been so sure and been the second guessing.
Found how to curse another who also taught me the way to count my blessings.
There's only truly the good, bad, and fake.
Looking from the starting point of being clean and being baked.
Been fake for too long now I got to choose,
I've been in all the sizes and the brands of shoes.
Life's a *****, but should I own it?
Should I swallow my pride or overflow it.
Felt like heaven, gone through hell,
Have known the people that now probably sell.
Woke up today righteous, fell asleep worse.
Started counting up my blessings then only stopped to find a curse.
Should of chosen for good right now, why's it so hard?
By this time I've went all night, eyes feeling scarred.
Tired but I won't stop, my heart won't let me.
My mind saying, "get to sleep" cause that's all I need

Pt. 1 then
I've needed to go but I decided you were more important to me
Maybe sometime if you read this you'll know what it all means
I like to be vague as a joke but for you I hope it's clear to see
what you mean to me.
I meet a lot of people and I tell them their the best,
but there is something I notice about you that is different from the rest
I knew you were cool, and beautiful from the start
But what was even more appealing was your heart.
Someday I hope you're in a place that's truly happy
in this life and in this world, will it ever be?
Oh how much I hope that it'll be
I mean every word but there's so much more for me to say,
and I hope I find a way to do it somehow, someway
And I'll strive forever to do the best I can
to continue improving myself as a man
For you and this beautiful cruel world I'll do the best I can
Just let me know what I can do to make you smile
To fix your world and make it brighter if even for a while
And I might fail but I'll strive to do it perfectly, all for you
I've seen the pictures of wires across you and your face
And I knew instantly you were never meant to be in that place
Oh how I wished to rescue you and take all your pain away
Let me take your pain away
Pt. 2 now
And yes that's all very real,
very much how I used to feel.
And still I'm a little embarrassed to say rereading this felt so surreal
But I'm an emotional person, and these feelings tend not to last.
But half of that is how much we interacted after you coming back.
I know you made an effort, just like how I did.
And to think otherwise would be stupid.
And I thought I was connected,
but connections don't work one-way,
and now this is the price I have to pay.
I know I helped you some,
not nearly as much as I'd have liked.
And I can only help what's in sight.
Maybe it's that you might have hid,
probably not what you did.
But all things I got to consider at least once in my head.
Can't help what we are now,
maybe you'll need me another time.
And if you do remember you're still a welcome friend of mine.
And again this is very real,
and now this is how I feel.
Again I'm a smarter person and I hope you too are mostly healed.
I know a bit of what you've been up to,
I got friends with a snap so it hasn't been hard to figure out.
I just wonder if you've any guilt, but that's something I doubt.
You're not too stupid a person, after all of your life I am sure.
But right now do you know of any goal you're going for?
I know I'm not the only one to think this,
just someone thinking of you right now.
Still hoping that soon you'll be happy somehow.

You've chosen your illusion,
It drives you from the pain but feeds confusion.
Contradicting your false sense of reality
How could you let this be,
in the name of your fragility.
This cycle, can you not see,
it's pain but necessary.
Hard but part of the journey.
And you can survive as long as you have me,
I'm sure.
This can't be as good as it gets.
And the worse is to come yet.
Denial won't get you very far,
and how you pick these scars will make you who you are.
You can head bang,
and think to complain,
but this will keep on you all the same.
And in the end there's no one else to blame.
It's a human cycle all the same,
and if you have any questions with a "why", it's the human nature that's to blame.

So I'll just tap my over there,
and wave my arms somewhere.
If I dance with enough passion then I might just fly.
Cause we all got to live for something,
even if it's one thing,
as they, "the limit is above the sky"
Just how much can we sob today until our sadness runs out or consumes us all.
I admit pride may be mixed all in my make up,
I know that it won't change us,
But I know if I try to bridge my heart out that I will fall.
Would catch me, would you save me.
Show me all the better ways to live this life and to be.
I have not that much to give, but I'll give it all.
Will I ever be free from my depressive cage?
And before I am how much will my soul age?
Cause already I feel a century old,
How much can there really be ahead of me,
is there any depths more in the ocean of sadness that I must see.
Will any warmth ahead make me forget this cold?
Know that I will never forget you.
Know that I will never forget you.
Please show me another sign again,
that you would be with here until the end.
I know our shared mentality won't let us get this close.
And what if I told you that wouldn't bend the rules.
We can do this without being young fools.
Remember our love is not a drug so we can't overdose.
But yet we're so different,
but should that make a difference?
We're same enough to relate to things that keep us awake.
And no not so much the pain that I feel,
but the things that show us smiles we can be proud to reveal.
So let us smile together for life's sake.
Let's just smile on for life's sake

I love the pen because the tip never dulls,
so that when I make my point it always finely shows.
The pen can build up a man's identity,
and record all his pain,
take away every ounce drop of his energy,
or replenish it all the same.
Its product is dark but its intent clear,
so that each statement is properly and equally sincere.
Try to erase a pen and the ink will continue to show,
but meaning of words from a pencil is too easy to take back,
it's lead's one usefulness in the firmness it lacks.  
So I go above and beyond the status quo
and above and beyond intelligence still too few people know.
They say the power of the pen is mightier than the sword,
but few can explain why so many turn to violence and refuse an opening of diplomacy and proper expression's door.
Words can heal and words can break,
it is man's best invention and worst mistake.
A tool that causes wills to bend and wills to break.
Few get a skin thick enough to protect from its ache and it's sting,
 but all my life I've witnessed it's misusing.
So who do you think you are to try to talk me off and speak me down, cause especially on ability your portrayal of power turns around.
I think, therefore I am and intelligent, or at least in a path to go deeper, you all are always so quick to be shallow and look meaner.
When will others realize their easy philosophies don't work,
why settle for bitterness when understanding's not something easily shook.
True wisdom is solid, and wise truth is unbreakable,
and everyone who gains it gains skill to be more capable.
And everyone thinks to be a dreamer, but few will think of something to do while they're awake.
And even fewer realize how much their joy is at stake.
We all know for sure we live once so why throw it all away 
and turn down a heart brighter than the light of day.
And out of all these thoughts, know that most aren't new
and you would be foolish to think this is stuff I've just now spewed. This may look a lot but I've only just begun,
and you may not see the light of day that I will be done.

Yes I feel the pain and yes I see the bruises.
Yes I've had the scars but really what the truth is
it's not those that've carved me but those that consumed my past.
Just hoping til the day I die the subduction of need will last.
Not that that was a need I just wanted a reminder,
that my pain was not in vain and that I'm still a fighter.
Though I used the edge against myself and I've been on the wrong the whole time,
I don't need self confirmation of confidence, what I need is a sign.
I know that times are getting dark and the world is getting colder,
and even still the world still feels right above your shoulders.
When I'm buried, put it deep,
Maybe then I'll get a better sleep.
Same thing goes for all the children,
Cause the Lord knows there's at least a billion
of them too awake of how the world truly is.
But then again, maybe then that's when they'll truly live.

Yes, my soul has been bleeding,
how else can it renew?
And now my old self is leaving,
can I be rescued?
These thoughts battle with my heart, though they'll never win.
Because I've long obtained an ultimate strength that I carry within.
This is a history book now,
and I've made the pages.
and history will change now,
it's gone on for too many ages.
These thoughts battle with my heart, though they'll never win.
Because I've long obtained an ultimate strength that I carry within.
My mind, it's too impressionable now.
Alone, experiences have influenced me.
This soul, it will win this battle somehow.
Foretold, I feel this change has got to be.

Acting either fake or like no one else is more real,
so how's it true that anyone really cares how i feel.
Senselessness, right in my home's illogicality,
how am i suppose to make sense of this reality?
And all that is ever not working is their broken mentalities.
Everything that I've set my mind for has been firing back,
and an original solution is something others simply lack.
Why am I feeling so degenerated, 
it's because my senses are irritated:
hurts to feel,
all smells rotten,
and every taste of color has been intimately forgotten.
All I see is problems and everything I hear is cotton.
Maybe it's just time to find a new moral doctrine. 
Don't be scared,
the numb pain visits me every night,
just be sure to buckle your seats and hold on tight.
You've been on a ride going through my mind,
and this won't happen at just any time.
And especially now don't forget how are these words are mine.
I was left here,
morals and chance chose my path,
and if you'd say any different you would face my wrath.
It's dark here, 
and if no light shows no light reflects, 
coldness and hostility is all I can detect.
Don't let me rot here,
like all the others before you,
I hope by now this is a fine picture I drew.
I hate here,
I'm the points that I make and each rebuttal is a step you take.
And wherever you're walking I hope you have not begun
cause the chances of my following you are slim to none.

I hear the screaming and this time it's not from within.
But that does not exclude the demon's trying to break me in.
There are tears in here, but they're not mine at least not for now.
I need to go outside, nothing's alright. I need to shut you out.
I see the pain so clearly cause it's all I used to feel.
I see you kick, I see you shout, but I'll no longer kneel.
Now I think I'm used to it, this has happened too much before.
I will be fine, I'll be alright. This I will now ignore.
This was their advice for so long, I'm just now following it through.
Just don't forget years from now that the cause of this partly all of you.
I feel like I've walked alone since there's no one with me here now,
and I've done this before with another approach, not one that bleeds me out.
This started as I was born and I'm afraid this will never end.
I guess that's fate, my destiny, otherwise I cannot pretend.
Reach my mind, hear my thoughts, then try not to scream aloud.
I'll tell you my memories of all my life, but please don't tear me down.

I don't know why I feel this way,
when things should all just feel okay.
Maybe it's my battles with mistrust,
or my constant fight with my own lust.
All these problems I just can't ignore.
My mind's not large enough for them to be stored.
Alone I feel I have to work this out,
nobody here to save me from my own doubt,
again.
I feel so alone again.
I feel as if I have no friend,
where are they now?
I've come to my end again,
this whole time have I been playing pretend, with myself.
And all of you, I think about you all the time,
But when I'm lost and icy you escape my mind.
When the color fades to black and white.
I don't hear any voice from the outside,
nobody with me on such lonely nights,
please take the wrong away from all the right,.
Tears only come out in the dark,
and they're coming straight from my own heart,
They were probably there all from the start,
just hidden away to never show part, of me, again.
I've lost touch with my friends,
at least that's how it feels again,
and I know this ain't the end.
But it smothers me again.
And to all my friend's faces, I miss you.
It's not that I try to forget you,
but it seems that no one want to be around someone so blue.
Though that's never the way I think about all of you,
me and the rest of the world so differently choose, again.
The doubt eats at me again,
attempts to consume me at no end.
And I cannot just pretend I don't miss you.
Bring me back to life, away from this.
To escape from my seemingly perpetual abyss.
I was happy, what had happened.
My mood has changed and all turned saddened.
Probably a lack of human interaction,
Loneliness just don't go well with my satisfaction.
Cause what's the point of walking life if it's a path traveled alone,
yet all the time I know this Earth will never be my home.
Maybe I'm always acting in the shadows of something else,
deep in my mind, afraid to show myself.
If there's nothing else, I'd like to say,
once again I feel like such a cast away.
Left in my own mind, such a vastly place.
And like any room it's much more comfortable to share it,
problem is, it's apparently difficult to comprehend it.
And when you say I'm deep, I'm probably tired of shallow.
And nobody else will, so you're welcome to follow.
I can't be the only one with this design of mind,
and yet I hear of everyone being unique so much of the time.
Yet so much of the response I see is so much the same,
but who am I to be the one to put on a blame.

I only meant to take a nap when I started to dream you.
And I was happy so I guess I decided to make it last just as I would do.
Now it's midnight and I'm feeling like the bizarre noises outside are a sign.
I've woken up to the wrong reality, and probably the wrong state of mind.
Seeing you seems to be the only way you're eager to know that I'm alive.
And no matter what I guess I'll leave it up to fate again cause I'm tired to have I've tried.
Maybe I don't want to know if this feeling goes both ways,
maybe I'm used to having known that I'd hoped you would stay.
And still I ask myself this lie,
"If you knew you had a choice would you try?"
Cause now I'm left out of the loop,
but you keep following me online so tell me why I feel stooped.
Maybe I'm just too depressed to think of why,
or that if you knew you had a choice would you try?

Afraid for my thoughts to come out of my mouth,
cause then if I do it'll put the others in doubt.
Am I needy if every time I want I keep quiet,
because then all that'll ever follow me is silence.
I never owned a car radio but I have a love for music,
I've cut skin,
worked out
and banged my head to it.
It's been expressing my highs and lows all throughout my life,
but it's often failed to save me when reality takes its bite.
I ask a question,
and it's often answered in silence,
when has silence made any **** sense,
it's why people make riots.
Yesterday,
before I left for a trip at the end of the week,
I saw a ripped note from my sister saying that she hates me.
I couldn't quite get it because half of it was ripped somewhere else,
but if I found the other half it wouldn't make me more or less hate myself.
Is my presence here wrong? 
If so where can I belong?
How many people will remember me if I'm not gone.
I've heard "it's okay" but that only works for so long.
Quick distraction,
it only works back to back and simultaneous.
But keeping up the charade has proven just as dangerous.

Hugs are thing I've lived on,
the difference between now and then is that I've learned to go longer without
But now that's a decision that I am starting to doubt.
Now some of my relationships just seem so impersonal,
and if I can remember what it feels like it'll be  a curse and a miracle.
Maybe it's how it gets me feeling emotionally protected
cause I'm strong but this life can blow my chest in,
Maybe I'm just being too overdramatic
If I am then it's most likely a habit.
Being someone who cries it's an emotional release, and I'm an addict
What I'm used to is escaping and keeping an attitude of "let me be"
especially when I try to keep them all from to ever see.
Because what need is there if they don't know what to do, or what to say?
It's a road I've always walked alone anyway.
I've been cried to but what do I have to complain about?!
Keeping a straight head is something I've had to learn without
any guidance. I haven't lived with both of my parents since 10.
I know it's longer than a lot of other kids get, but for a moment can I just pretend
that I can still be affected, that it's understandable to collapse?
It's not like anyone will catch me, I've pretty much seen them all just wait for the emotion to pass.
I've tried to do exactly that,
but then life beats harder with it's emotional circumstance bat.
"Alex, you don't need to go this by on your own"
Thanks, I'll let you know when I find someone who'll help me carry on.
"But just text me when you feel in the bad way"
Okay, but everything you've said is almost identical to what the others say.
And don't get me wrong, I've took of the popular advise,
But it either shows how they don't feel for me or what I've already realized earlier in this life.
This is probably the most I've straight up gotten but I feel there's more to pour,
"but if I do then who reads it"
Self loathing, I do not know anymore.
Sometimes I shouldn't listen to myself, but nobody else would talk to me,
and if they do I can tell their meaning isn't of much purity.
Just don't tell me you'll talk if you're not going to listen.
Communication's a one way street, and lately mine seems faded and distanced.

Yes I am upset,
how could I not.
You say you can see the pain, but right now it's all that I've got.
If there's a cure for this sickness of anger in me,
it's either a secret right here or found only if I leave.
And don't act like something new hasn't turned hot every chance I get to breathe.
I am not stupid, but all I can say for you is assuming hopefully.
If I was done with this by choice I wouldn't be dealing with this now.
And every time I re-explain it's all, "Oh jeez, wow".
Maybe all I need is a hug instead of someone to understand.
If God doesn't put on our plate anything we cannot take
then, ****, I must be some one helluva man.
If I were done with this **** there wouldn't have been this toilet I've clogged.
And if people heard me more often and all the poems I've blogged
maybe this has all been a pointless idea, something just stupid.
But I guess it'd be okay if it was cause by now I'm used to it.
I have done this for me and not nobody else,
the only one who I know for certain gets this is myself.
I have a way with words and
just like food some people scrap to get it in the streets without love.
it points right back at me.
Though if it goes somewhere else it's a point I don't see.
And that'd be because I'm blinded by my own loneliness,
yes I can own up to that, a closed book, masked with phoniness.
And I know I'm not the only one, and right now's to work on myself,
I've longed learned the lesson not to fix on somebody else.
Foolishness it is, and a fool I've been,
and stereotyped that is to be a defined American.
Bigotry's not in my nature, I try to be understanding.
Cause I've always been somewhere similar,
 and my empathy's pretty demanding.
So it's easy to feel your **** and how you can bleed
whenever you're considered "friend in need".
Again I digress cause I'm thinking so tiredly,
sleep is my slave master and at the same time a courtesy.
Something we need and something we never get enough of,
just like the food some have scrapped for in the streets with no love.

I know this is my fault, I can't look at it otherwise.
We all know I can be strong body-wise,
but is there strength in my mind to apologize?
And once I do what other path can I go on,
I've seen no other roads I can walk on.
Cause all I feel is been stomped on.
This game's looked impossible
and you know I have played on!
So where's my mental strength now?
It looks like it's on the ground,
where do I build it up?
Nobody seems to wanna teach me how.
Can I ever build myself up to where it would hold,
or am I forever destined to be left in the cold, lonely soul?
Who's to say the cause, I just do not know.
The only thing that's been built are these feelings inside,
stuck in my mind,
trying to climb,
and explode up like a triggered mine.

I saw you leaving and you didn't look back,
I've wanted to ask, but I've known why you're so sad.
With you I will dance all of your pain away, away from here.
Until we're no longer black and broken, but together and clear.

Done with the dark I step into this light,
it's been so long it's more than enough to excite.
It's a vision made up of light of the sun,
and the exciting part is that it's only begun.
This is a gift given to me
I know I don't deserve it
And the pride I've layed down is not even close to worth it
And this is just perfect,
though it's far from what I am,
That's why I'm glad that none of this is my plan.
And it's predetermined that I'm going to be the best of who I am.
Nothing's gonna stop me, not even if I'm outnumbered by the grains in the sand.
Just try me now,
you'll never know how.
Even if you land a punch it's still you to get knocked out.
Though the fight's not mine it's already been won.
And like I said before it is only begun

I just feel so fluid,
maybe I'm breathing through a dream.
I feel everything but stupid,
can you feel just what I mean.
I am muscle, I am bone.
And I'm standing here alone.
But there's no where I want to go,
this is a feeling I rarely know.
This experience I can't describe.
I am just enjoying being.
I feel no shame to hide,
at least none that I am seeing.
Is this the knowledge of rebirth,
or a break given by the Earth.
I do no hunger, I feel no thirst.
Maybe it's been quenched by my lack of yearn.
My conscience feels so empty,
and yet I'm still satisfied.
And in now I know that you won't forget me,
Just because in now I am alive.

Yes, my soul has been bleeding,
how else can it renew?
And now my old self is leaving,
can I be rescued?
These thoughts battle with my heart, though they'll never win.
Because I've long obtained an ultimate strength that I carry within.
This is a history book now,
and I've made the pages.
and history will change now,
it's gone on for too many ages.
These thoughts battle with my heart, though they'll never win.
Because I've long obtained an ultimate strength that I carry within.
My mind, it's too impressionable now.
Alone, experiences have influenced me.
This soul, it will win this battle somehow.
Foretold, I feel this change has got to be.

Shattered alone,
feels like I'm down on my own.
You took my pieces with you, and gave me a microphone.
Now I record my thoughts,
in rhymes and rhythms hot.
Where I can use my stress,
and the energy you gave me,
to contrast my success.
And highlight my failings.
Though I see the more in life,
all that you've brought.
Brought me past the blood and pass the knife, a freedom you've bought.
And now I am fully yours.
As the only one who's paid the price.
And now forever I can endure
with you who's love is beyond my sight

Emotionally secure, not that's a hitting question,
one that I tend to be in bed second guessing.
Still so much is happening, and any end I see none.
Don't matter whether in the sky it's the moon and stars, or sun.
I've been sleeping lately, yes, with the most disturbing dreams,
Mainly of a disturbing context, really the most natural things.
Just cause this is not a house, that's not what makes it not a home.
It's the fact of what I fear most here is being not alone.
Maybe I just gave this to myself. Maybe I knew what the goal is.
Right there on my shelf, just me who didn't notice.
All I know now is that the future is unsafe in this environment.
Perhaps it's everyone temperament, will this ever be different?
I can go out easily and escape without anyone to know,
but then once I start interacting it's all a social show.
Maybe say they want to feel my pain, but the question never comes up.
This world is just too busy, everyone seems to have enough sorrow in their cup.
Yes I keep on playing this life as it's a playground,
going through these mood swings, watch everything slide down.
The fact's just I need help, I need to know someone's with me.
I've had too many people already bound to forget me.