I broke one of God's Commandments when I stole an extension cord.
I was struck by a bolt of lightning because I angered The Lord.
God is cracking down on those who break his Ten Commandments.
You'd better listen to what I'm saying because I'm making a lot of sense.
When I chose to be a used car salesman, it wasn't a decision that was wise.
God struck me with leprosy because it's my job to constantly tell lies.
I haven't broken just a few of God's Commandments, I've broken all ten.
God is cracking down, he is making me pay for each and every sin.
Because I've become a *****, I can't get a date with a woman on any night.
When women see me, they wet themselves and start running because of fright.
I have this advice for you, God's Ten Commandments are what you must obey.
God is cracking down, if you break any of his Commandments, you will pay.

It pains me to say that my ***** is only half an inch long.
It's extremely embarrassing because I have a tiny *******.
I never use urinals while out in public, I only use stalls.
I can not let other men know that my ***** is so small.

I got so mad at my ex-wife that I wanted to beat her.
She was going to tell my friends and co-workers about my tiny peter.
I said if she exposed me, I'd expose her baldness and that she wears a wig.
My ex-wife had our marriage annulled because my wiener isn't very big.

Women say that ***** size isn't important to them but it's more important than they admit.
A blind date started making fun of my tiny wiener so I started making fun of her tiny ****.
When it comes to being successful with women, I don't have a chance.
If you have a small ****, don't let anybody see it, keep it in your pants.

You wanted revenge against a man because he was sleeping with your wife.
So you dragged him into a dark alley and stabbed him to death with a knife.
You felt pretty good because you got rid of your wife's lover.
But you killed the wrong one, you killed the man's twin brother.

You didn't know that your wife's lover had an identical twin.
You stabbed him ninety times, you stabbed him over and over again.
You must have been boiling with hate to stab him that many times.
Karma caught up with you, you're in jail for committing that crime.

You robbed that poor man's family of a husband and dad.
You killed somebody who was innocent and that is so sad.
When I look into your eyes, I can see the remorse that you feel.
You got life without parole so when it comes to being released from prison, you never will.

Your wife isn't carrying your baby, she's carrying mine.
She wanted me to marry her but I had to decline.
She didn't want tongues to wag about her being an ***** mother.
She was afraid of people's reactions, that's why she married you after becoming your lover.
She pushed her mother down the stairs because she's very mean.
She posted naked pictures of me on Facebook, she's also obscene.
I'd had enough of her cruel behavior and I decided to dump her then and there.
When I learned she told you that you're the father, I had to tell you because it's unfair.
I can't let her do this to you, I can't and won't keep quiet.
You may not believe me and you may even want to fight.
When the baby is born, I'll tell you what you must do and it will be for the best.
You can prove that she's pulling the wool over your eyes with a DNA test.
I will gladly give her money for child support because it's my baby.
And when I tell you that you must have your marriage annulled, I don't mean maybe.

All I have to do is paint a portrait of somebody being dead and he or she dies in real life.
I've painted portraits of my former boss, my in-laws and I also painted a portrait of my wife.
I've been given a magical power but I don't know where it came from.
My killing spree is not going to end, there will be more deaths to come.
I'm going to paint portraits of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.
Then I'll paint portraits of the creators of the new Doctor Who TV show, I'll get rid of all of those chumps.
I'm also going to paint a portrait of a bully who I went to school with.
He'd better enjoy what time he has left because he won't have long to live.
I will never see the inside of a courtroom, I will never be tried.
If you don't want your portrait to be painted, don't get on my bad side.

I owe money to a man named Robert G. Durant.
I want to pay him the money I owe but I can't.
He cuts off the fingers of people who don't pay him money.
You may find it amusing but I sure as hell don't think it's funny.
He cut off all of my fingers, he didn't even spare one.
I couldn't even pick my nose after he was done.
I want to give Durant the bird but I don't have the finger to do it with.
I'd chop his ***** off with a lightsaber if I had fingers and if I was a Sith.
You'd better take my advice because it sure isn't a lie.
Pay Robert Durant or you can kiss your fingers goodbye.

When he was born, God gave him a special gift.
He was a British actor who was named Clive Swift.
He starred as Richard Bucket and Roy Bowden in 'Keeping Up Appearances' and 'The Old Guys'.
He was a remarkable actor and it's a **** shame when such a person dies.
Because of the talent God gave to him, he was extraordinary.
Sadly, this great man lost his life on the first day of February.