Catch the bus at quarter to eight
Pack your bags and don't be late
Arrive and your details are wrote
Picture taken, board a speed boat

Meet the tour guide, name is Ung
Four other crew are mostly young
Out with the camera take some shots
Boat is travelling, around forty knots

Bamboo Island is the very first stop
The boat pulls up and off we hop
Beautiful beach it is, nice and white
Crew help the women, extremely polite

Give you a snorkel if you so desire
Swim, paddle or just the view admire
Island is beautiful and the water nice
Close as you could b,e to real Paradise

Next pass by the Viking Cave in the rocks
When told Vikings were there I got a shock
On the walls they painted pictures of their ships
Amazing where they sailed, on their many trips

Bats, not famous in these caves but swallow nests
People protecting them, who would have guessed
Six thousand dollars a kilogram for the nest itself
An aphrodisiac in China for those with much wealth

From there we venture to the sweet Monkey Beach
Monkeys hang from the trees with a long reach
Throw them food and they catch it without fail
Hanging on to the trees with extremely long tails

Some monkeys on the beach, seem to be so polite
But you must be  careful because they often bite
Lots of photos again, information from the staff
Kids are enjoying themselves and having a laugh

Phi Phi Island next for a very delightful lunch
The staff on the island such a helpful bunch
Thai food, rice, seafood, curries hard to beat
Don't go hungry, more food  than you can eat

After lunch walk the beach and along the shore
Talk to Ung the guide, hoping to learn a bit more
A photographic memory Ung had, we did note
Remembered every persons name, on that boat

Soon we boarded once agaiin, trip a bit shorter
Other side of island was beautiful shallow water
People once again go swimming or snorkelling
Creatures on the bottom, some amazing things

Water is so still and it is such a glorious day
I think this place was called Loh Samah Bay
People boarded the boat, they were out of breath
"Save some energy" Ung said "for what's next"

A few minutes later we were all over the moon
Boat put down anchor in a magnificent lagoon
Maya Bay it was called, water warm and crystal clear
Many Hollywood producers had got inspiration here

Hard to say really, what are views like this actually worth?
Probably as close as possible to having a Heaven on Earth
Never before had I seen such a picturesque  sight
Could have stayed there all day and all of the night  

Soon up comes the anchor and the driver drove
The speed boat to the most beautiful Pilch Cove
Could go for a walk, lay on the beach and sleep
Kids could wade in, water warm but not very deep

Venture over the other side, see a magnificent lagoon
Then enjoy the beach once more, we are leaving soon
Soon back on the boat a few drinks, tales we're tellin'
Eat cool fresh fruit, pineapple and juicy watermelon

Everyone seems tired now, especially girls and boys
Speed boat flat out  as captain shouts "Ships ahoy"
Opens up the throttle, boat has extraordinary power
Be back where we started in approximately one hour

Bid the crew  goodbye and  tell Ung he is totally swell
Shake  his hand and take a taxi back to our comfy hotel
Tired and worn out, need a shower, good meal and a rest
Recommend  trip to anybody though, its simply the best

So if you are looking for something to do In Phuket
Take trip to Phi Phi Island, tis one you'll never forget
When on the boat back, I was so glad that I went
One of the best days I reckon that I've ever spent

Was catching up on some beauty sleep
When up the stairs I heard something creep
Was very dark,  the middle of the night
Actually **** the bed, such a terrible fright

Ugly, clumsy too, big mouth with it's teeth bared  
Couldn't move from my bed even if I had dared
Froth coming from it's mouth, twas heavy breathing
Felt like my worst nightmare but I wasn't dreaming

Ugly thing was getting closer now, right at the door
Blanket up over my head, couldn't take any more
It belched and farted continuously, much to my disgust
I took a peek and it's eyes were now full of wanton lust

"Please spare me" I begged and I was starting to cry
"Don't **** me you monster, I am too young to die"
Ugly thing just laughed and peeled off it"s clothes
Jumped into bed next to me and I instantly froze

Dark and with no glasses, I was visually impaired
Started praying to God, hoping I would be spared
Laughing it went under the blanket, starting to *****
Cold grip on my *****, I was starting to loose all hope

Gained some strength, enough to turn on the bed light
Lifted the blanket then and got an even bigger fright
Confronted I was by an ugly face and pair of big *****
Was not a monster at all, twas only the wife in the ****

Seems the girls night out had come to a very early end
Wife was terribly drunk and I guess, so were her friends
I jumped out of bed then thinking no way can I **** it
Ran to the lounge as she shouted "Bring me a bucket"

Knew she would be spewing all night, it never fails
When she drinks two hundred or so strong cocktails
Believe me people, my missus drunk is not a pretty sight
If you ran into her in the dark, you too would get a fright

Blokes in the bar sure do say some weird stuff
Like "love to **** her ******* and eat her ****"
Seem to have animals on their mind all the while
"I'd like to see her ***** or do her *******"

What does all that mean? I'd really love to know
And how does a woman have a nice *******?
If a woman comes close and she's a real **** one
One of them may say "I'd like to give the ferret a run"

A bloke went to the toilet seemed quite annoyed
Said he was gonna shake hands with the unemployed
"You mean syphon the python" asked one of the men
"Not really, just shake hands with the wives best friend"

He said he wanted a ***** to his wife late last night
"Gee mate you shoulda seen it, I had a mongrel alright"  
Apparently she said "no" and he threatened to leave her
Said he wasn't hanging around if he didn't get any ******

Fred said his wife was gorgeous and he had always adored
But lately she was off ***, didn't want any more pork sword
Frank's wife was the same and she hardly left the cottage
Would never let Frank touch her or play hide the sausage

Max, reckoned he'd nearly had more than a man could take
Couldn't get near the missus with his one eyed trouser snake
As for Gerard, He said "think my wife's taking me for a sucker"
"Told me to keep away with the blue veined custard chucker"

A **** dark woman walked past, Marty said "I'd give her a ride"
The barman just laughed and mumbled "they are all pink inside"
Jack joined in saying "leave it alone Marty or you'll get blisters"
"Besides, if you turn them upside down they're definitely sisters"

In the bar I heard a bloke say "I'd give her the old Wham Bam"
"Sure would like to get the old love muscle up her  bearded clam"
As the bar closed Jerry joked " If the flags are up at my place"
"I'll put my ***** between her *****, give her a pearl necklace"

All these men laugh and joke as the barman says to the group
"You buggers won't get any because you'll have brewers droop"
As I finish my wine and leave someone says "on ya bike ya miser"
Do you know what they are on about? because I'm none the wiser

Feel like a *******, only used at night
Never appreciated, I don't think its right
People make use of me with little thought at all
Without me they'd be in the dark, could trip or fall

Never worry about me, couldn't care if I'm hurting
But! don't they complain when I'm not working
Stuck out here in the weather in all extremes
They all rely on me or that is the way it seems

Only time I get washed is when it happens to rain
Sometimes I short out and spark, oh what pain
My cover is old, yes its all cracked and broken
Does any one give a dam? you must be joking

Dogs **** there leg next to me and take a ****
Birds **** all over me, I don't think I deserve this  
Men lean their girl against me for a kiss and a feel
Undesirables stand below me to make a drug deal

Police try to solve crimes perhaps stop an odd fight
No idea most of the time, I try to shed a bit of light
Concreted to the ground, can't move surely not fair
Stuck out in the weather with my head high in the air

Once I was hit by a drunk driver and knocked to the ground
Police and firetruck arrived, driver was nowhere to be found
Sparks and electrical currents, gee **** it certainly hurt
Firemen threw powder over me,  too dangerous to squirt

I lay on the ground for a week, some flags around me
People stayed away at night, just wasn't possible to see
Then along came some workers, absolute gentlemen
Fixed me up good and using a crane stood me up again

I cannot understand people at all, certainly not fair
I needed to be run over before they showed any care
They are all happy to use me while my heart glows
Don't they cuss though if my poor old globe blows

A busy night last night, heaven knows
Must have had more ****** than a rose
Love the money, of that there's no doubt
But I'm really ******, completely worn out

It was my choice I know, to become a *****
But not sure how much longer I can do it for
***** breath , fat old farts grunting and groaning
Me, pretending I'm enjoying it with fake moaning

Was only sixteen when I first started in the game
Head, hand jobs or ******* to me is all the same
Happy to try any game the customer wants to play
As long as they have money and are willing to pay

I caught the ***** once from some ***** old ******
Another time I did catch the dreaded venereal disease
Other than that I have kept a nice clean and healthy box
Guess condoms and good luck have kept away the pox

As i get older though, I think more about settling down
Maybe one day I'll be able to rope in some rich old clown
Don't want to live forever in the fast lane running wild
I would even like to give birth to my own sweet child

But now it is day time and I really must get some rest
Because again tonight I'll be out doing what I do best
I'll be ******* policemen, doctors, lawyers and scholars
And again I'll come home with another fist full of dollars

Her hairy old **** was full of scabs and cheese
Didn't stop me from going down on my knees
I spread her lips and brushed away a fly
Then slipped my tongue so deep inside
My God, she was a real filthy old *****
Her ****** did smell, oh what a stench
Never had I been down on something so foul
But I'm a sick *****, I went for the growl
The ***** hair was full of *** and ****
Had the ***** ***** wiped her **** on it?
There were even traces of menstrual blood
Does she *** normally or does she flood?
I was ******* her ****, didn't want to hurt her
How was I to know that she was a squirter
She shot *** and **** all over the ceiling
Oh what a sight, oh what a feeling
Then I filled her hole with my scabby old ****
Yes my pecker was covered with warts and pox
Maybe you think we are two filthy, ***** freaks
But she loves my *****, banging on her **** cheeks
When we had finished, a sight I'd never seen  
She called the dog over and he licked her clean
That was more than i could take, it's true
I had to go outside and have a great spew
But I'll go back again, there is no doubt
Coz that shiela loves, for me to eat her out
And I can never forget how well I rode her
While getting off on her smelly body odour
Next time, if she's got the rags and is a bit red
I'll just stick it up her ******* instead  
I'm not fussy, my tongue will still be stuck in
Nothing wrong, my friend with the Dolmio grin

Winter to me is such a delight
In bed listening to rain at night
Snuggled up in front of an open fire
With someone special, hearts desire

Everything seems so fresh and clean
Forget summer and drought that's been
Snow covered mountains, joy to be seeing
Down the steep slopes, such fun to be skiing

Of course in December, we are filled with glee
Santa leaves us little presents under the tree
Night is quiet, everyone tries to keep still
A beautiful time full of peace and goodwill

No need to be upset whilst spring you are waiting
Enjoy the cold and simply do some ice skating
Home fires are burning, food there to cook
Or simply go to bed and read a good book  

Outside it is raining, inside it's much drier
Time to make sweet love in front of a fire
Stuck inside together gives you the chance
For wine, dine, dance and plenty of romance

The power may go off but still a goodnight
Laughing and joking by  fire or candle light
When winter is here I am glad I'm not dead
Cuddle up with my darling in a nice warm bed

If you hate winter, what a sad and sorry plight
Must have a ***** loose, somethings not right
Play some nice music, keep warm, dance and sing
Enjoy winter while you can, soon will be Spring

Did you have to text and drive?
We would prefer you, to be alive
Texting whilst driving is NOT allowed
TOO LATE, you got the message now

Turn the cell phone off and stay alive
Just one short text, you may not arrive
Should concentrate more as you drive
Up the back of a truck you'll not survive

Too many accidents and too many wrecks
Take your eye off the road to send a text
Ambulance comes to an almighty mess
Can sometimes result in multiple deaths

Don't text and drive, it is bad for your health
May **** innocent people too beside yourself
End up lying in a morgue on a shelf
For Christ's sake, wake up to yourself

Perhaps you love her, perhaps you hate her
Don't text her now you fool, tell her later
You can not make love or even date her
From rear of a sixteen wheeled freighter

Too many accidents and too many deaths
Phone in his hand, ready to send that text
Took his eyes from the road, one single blunder
Will send no more texts now, he's six foot under

I was once a singer, a famous rock star
Every one loved me, I was so very popular
Sang with the best, up there on the stage
**** Jagger, The Beatles and even Jimmie Page
  I sang in all the big cities, all over the world
  I was so happy, being such a star, a popular girl
  Making so much money, but I was running amuck
  Forgot my friends and family, I didn't give a ****
No one else mattered, I was the important one
Forgot about my husband, and my dear little son
The things that really mattered, I'd lost all sight
There were lots of groupies, and parties every night
  Lots of *****, men, and the drugs, were never short
  If I ever felt bad, some powder I would snort
  No one ever told me, that I was doing myself harm
  By injecting all that ****, into the veins of my arm
I'd awake some mornings, feeling a ****** mess
But after some drugs, I became again, a Goddess
Everybody loved me, I was their favourite daughter
I thought the same, thought, I could walk on water
  One morning I awoke, all shattered and broke
  No alchohol to drink, and no grass for a smoke
  All my friends deserted me, left me for dead
  Said that I was definately, ****** in the head
It was all over, my life of ***, drugs and fun
My husband had long gone, and took with him my son
I had bought it all on myself, of that, there's no doubt
Spent a week in hell, just crying  and drying out
    I had lost everything, my good looks and my wealth
    And I was skin and bone, not a picture of good health
    Broken down I was, all drug ****** and spent
    Dragged myself outside, to the hospital I went
For weeks I was there, in bed on a drip
The truth and reality, I wanted to grip
Slowly I came good, to God I needed to talk
Then two weeks later, I could finally walk
    I'm living in a rehab center, at this very time
    Please don't worry about me, I'll be just fine
    I'm now a faded angel, don't deserve a lot of glory
    Just hoping that someone, learns from my sad story

Like wow man what was that **** we smoked?
Must be some heavy **** man, that we just toked
Look in the mirror man, perhaps you'll see my point
Wow, what the hell man did you put in that last joint

My brain is hurting, my eyes are half closed and hazy
What has happened to your face man, I'm goin' crazy
Gotta get some fresh air man or I'm bound to flip
Smoked a coupla reefers, feels like an acid trip

Hell man you are really weird and looking queer
Mouth so big you could whisper in your own ear
Nose like a squashed peg,  it is beginning to twitch
Man, your'e real ugly, a mean lookin' *******

Your eyes are darting everywhere, God only knows how
With your tongue, you can even lick your own eyebrow
Tonsils are swollen, I can see right down your throat
Must have drank lots of beer coz your lunch is afloat

Man if you are going near a mirror turn off the light
If you see what I can see you'll probably die of  fright
Perhaps it was the white powder that made you look queer
Can't blame the ***** coz Iv'e only been drinking light beer

Half of your guts came out last time you started to cough
Man,  get outa my sight till these God dam drugs wear off
Now my veins feel like they'll burst, the blood is a pumpin'
Lungs are short of oxygen and my heart is really thimpin'

I know you think its funny ya ****** but please do not grin
Coz when you start smiling man, you are as ugly as sin
Gonna go to bed now man, see ya in the mornin' old friend
Hope when I wake up man, you are looking normal again

Darling, you are so hot you make me melt
Love your fragrance, liked the way you smelt
Have got me dripping, you are so very thick
Certainly do admire the length of your wick

We are both sweating, dripping wax, and a lot
Want to hug and kiss you but your'e far too hot
Last night our flames only flickered then went out
But as tonight goes on the flames have more clout

Before I met you I lived in a monastery with a nun
Was a boring life sweetheart and definitely no fun
Used to spread her legs and slip me up her spout
Yell and scream, near drown me then fling me out

Was sold at a garage sale, covered in dust and hair
So glad to get away from the nun and get some air
Soon met up with you and I'm now a lot happier by far
Have a new home here with you in a lovely candelabra

As the soft breezes blow we look at each other and snicker
You bring heat into my body and the flame starts to flicker
The hotter we get then the juices really start to flow
Melting away down our stems, amalgamating below

Our new owners are jealous, every morning without doubt
They come in with a smile and blow our loving flames out
We spend the next hours cold and waiting for days end
At night we'll be lit up once more and start loving again

Sure you love me too from the messages you send
I will love you forever dear or at least till my wick's end
My wax is so shiny these days I guess you are knowing
Youv'e really lit me up and you can see how I'm glowing

Tried my darndest to forget, but should have known
That doggone memory of yours has a mind of its own
Never lets up, forever haunting me like a megalomaniac
Peace for day or two, then without warning it comes back

Take some pills or get drunk to forget feeling of being sad
But, next morning your memory is back and twice as bad
Keep busy at work, think positively and try not to feel blue
I relax and unwind it takes over again, **** memory of you

Up and left without notice, you ran off with another man
For weeks crying myself to sleep, not able to understand
Wasn't enough? piercing my heart with a venomous spear
Please take your memory back and just make it disappear

Had some fabulous times with you, there's nothing I regret
Please keep your memory to yourself now and let me forget
Mind becomes a bit clearer each day as apart we have grown
Home alone at night your memory comes back, mind of it's own

To get on with my life now would make me so very very glad
Even the fondest memories of you now only make me feel sad
Nothing I would love better than to meet another woman one day
Won't happen if you don't take back your memory and pack it away

Need to do things properly, don't like to do things by halves
Got rid of your clothes, belongings and all the photographs
Now at night when I can't sleep I look up to God and I pray
Ask if he'll get you to come and take your dang memory away

Always thought your memory would be something to keep
Not now! it gives mixed emotions and keeps me from sleep
There's nothing worse I reckon than having a grown man cry
With your memory bugging me I just want to curl up and die

Heartbreak and pain is worse every day, so I've discovered
Please help me, by keeping your memory home in a cupboard
Keep it to yourself and don't let it loose to wander and roam
Please control that memory of yours, it has a mind of it's own

Two thousand graves all in narrow rows
Which one is my dad's? God only knows
Who is buried where, no one could be sure
Please tell me mummy why dad went to war

My poor dad was flown out early one morn
Mum was pregnant, I still hadn't been born
Wasn't long, he looked down the barrel of a gun
Dead at twenty two and never got to see his son

Ambushed they were, certainly never had a chance
Had absolutely no warning as the enemy advanced
Machine guns, grenades, cannons and lots of mortar
Just before dawn, it was like lambs to the slaughter

Two thousand died that day, mostly young men
Sure hope our country never suffers like that again
Lonely women at home pregnant or with a small kid
Such a tragedy should never reoccur, heaven forbid

Today is dad's thirtieth birthday and we shed a tear
Should be with me and mum celebrating with a beer
Why must they fight, do countries have to go to war
Not just me without a dad but many thousands more

Only a kid and I'm walking around the cemetery in a trance
Can't all the world leaders just try and give peace a chance
War has made me lonely and my dear old mum is a mess
Trying to find dad's grave but sadly she'll need to guess