i used to care about everything
how i looked; how i acted
school; tests; homework
positivity at 100%
now i can barely get outta bed
my eyes are not wet because I dont feel anymore
the tip of a dagger feels better than this
a heartbreak that doesnt phase me
just move on to another; until you cant because they make u feel like the dagger
they make it worth it

your presents is a warm hug that has never touched me
my sad thoughts merrily drift away as you approached me life
you are the light that i could not see

Why do colors have a meaning except to be described as beautiful
A rainbow is beautiful but some  people think that the gay flag is disgusting
Shades are unique but some people think darker skinned people are lesser than

The colors that are meant to be embraced not destroyed

A little girl asks her mother what a Pride flag is
The mother says it represents homosexuality and that “those kind of people” are going to hell for sinning

The colors that are meant to be embraced not destroyed

A town away a little boy asks the teacher for a skin colored crayon; he is handed a crayon that is a light peachy color, named “Skin”
Little does that teacher know he will grow up to treat people with darker skin colors than that crayon like dirt, because he was taught that skin was light and dirt is dark.

The colors that are meant to be embraced not destroyed

Every color has a purpose, until that purpose turns into a landmark
Where peoples struggles are on display for others  opinions instead of remorse
When does it become a lesson instead of an action?
A teacher shows their students a picture of two men being lynched and says “ This is what white men did to black men, but never said that it was wrong

Everyday people fight for their lives because of colors that define who they are

The colors that are meant to be embraced not destroyed

you dont deserve the attention
the scrapes and scars on my body are not yours
my trauma is not a day dream; nothing to praise
the food you put in front of me is not a snack; more like a meal  
the voices in my head are not scary
they are nonchalantly wondering everyday
you dont deserve the attention
my life is not yours so stop pretending it is
the dried blood upon my wrists at night is not your DNA
trauma is not meant to be shared

the cuts on my skin were not deep enough for you;
so you had to dig into my heart
but it wasn't as easy as you thought so you lied to the guard protecting it
you put a mask on to unlock the forbidden parts and let me believe it was true
now i am left with shattered glass and a ****** up memory of what was... or what i thought was love

her arms are covered with a baggy sweat shirt
her neck wrapped with chains that lock scars
she tries to be ok but she knows that not possible
everyday is hard
but her days are harder

Her.
Her waist, her looks…
Just her.  

Its not fair you know
That people go all day and just look like her.
Act like her.
Be her.  

I ******* hate her.  
I hate that I can never be her.

Her.
She is…
Everything I cant be

im not the girl with the pretty brown eyes
who dazes at night just wondering why
im not the girl who's golden curly hair bounces as she walks through the hall with an arm around her waist

my scars should not be hidden
do not tell me they should be
i hid them for years under my hoodie and you never noticed
just like u never noticed my tears at night;
or how i fell silent every time you talked about dying
you dreamed about a future together
while I could barely dream about tomorrow
the moment those words left your mouth;
my scars reopened

its not my fault i fell in love
i was tricked; i promise.
he was tall with perfect eyes that i couldnt stop looking at.
he played tricks in my mind and I followed them to a T
I was his game, i am his game  
I fell in love with someone who didnt love me; who doesnt love me.
but I loved him, i love him.
i hate and love him.  
i hate that i loved him.
i hate that i love him.
love doesnt go away;
i wish it did but then I'd be tricked

ive gone through a lot of mascaras... more than id like to admit
the first one i tried on was bold; made my lashes look long and strong
it held on to me; even when I was crying.
I was crying because that mascara burned me, so I let it go.

the next few were all the same.. kinda mushed together in my brain.

then there was the one i never wanted to try on because I had no interest, until I did.  
I loved that mascara, until I left it somewhere, miles and miles away from home.  

mascara changes all the time. I wish it didn't.
(P.S this isnt about mascara)

and i know what its like to be used
and i dont know how to get to sleep
and i know how to shush my crying
and i dont know how to write a formal email
and i know how to be used
and i dont know how to act my own age
and i know what its like to be heartbroken
and i dont know how to feel
and i know what its like to cut  
and i dont know what a non-toxic relationship is
and i know what its like to not wanna be alive  
what do i learn when im 16?

i want to believe that the world wont end tomorrow
but the moment you leave this earth my whole world  is destroyed  
please stay

it was supposed to happen.
he didn't mean to hurt me
i swear..

the **** was a little too strong;
like his body pressed on mine.
every hit, breathing in and out, he felt better than the last ;
by the end i just couldn't feel  

he didn't mean to;
thats what he told me the morning after
so I swear he didn't **** me

the lips that kiss me are unrecognizable;
soft and caring;
lips that whisper "i love you"
lips that whisper " i am in love with you"
but how would i know
the lips that kiss me are unrecognizable;
my lips are covered in him,
my body...
lips that whisper "take it"
lips that whisper "i know you want to"
his lips. my body. taken over

thats what i used to think
its just a word that people like to throw around and abuse
there is no definition of the word love so it can't be real
no one can tell me what love is for me

the bruises didn't hurt me
i know they were supposed to but they didn't
the dark brown spots up my spine and down my thighs
reminded me of you
i  loved them, almost as much as I loved you.
and when they faded I asked for more.
and when you left for college the marks you made on me stayed.
i'm now wondering, have you made anymore marks?

"I promise" -  as her dad carried her from preschool after a boy was pulling on her hair
"I promise" - a line from her vows

i said "i'd be the one"
he replied "to break me"

1 + 1 equals 2
pi is 3.14159
the world revolves around the sun
gravity takes control of everything; or at least tries to
these are all facts
why can our love be a fact?

what is it like to have a "relationship goals" relationship?  
the girl who is laying in her bed; wiping her tears with the stretched out hoodie sleeve wonders that exact question

yet so does the popular girl who is dating the varsity hockey captain; her insta is filled with cute pics of their relationships; but the skinny tube top is covering hickeys on her chest that she doesn't even remember receiving

the girl who has never had their first kiss, or has even held a boys hand before wonders that exact question. Her research suggests that a "relationship goals" relationship is when you go on cute dates, have his hoodie, surprise him at his games and practices  

but the girl who isn't even noticed has the real "relationship goals" relationship. She nerds out on math while he reads off the periodic table. Nothing gets in their way because communication is their key

are "relationship goals" invisible to the people who seeks them?

today in class I was asked to draw a self portrait.
i pondered between drawing my eyes or the dark restless holes that just act like a window
should i draw my lips or all the things i wish I could say
today i was asked to draw a self portrait and i had no idea who to draw

my chest is heavy
i watch it go in and out
my mind is frozen
yet racing at the same time
this is my normal

No one told me how to survive
- a heart break
- a loss
- a self destruction
and I still don't know how to
survive

Every second as the world orbits the sun
You build yourself up and then crash
Turning yourself back into foam so another replica can replace you

People love and cherish you
They watch and hope for you to arrive

Yet I would rather have a steady pool of water

I do not seek for your restless, uneasy, savage green rollercoaster
You are not my higher power; my gravity; my way of life

You are a nice story, lesson, and image for people to adore  

Yet I am not one of those people:
I am not a water person
I am not a believer in your life jacket saving ways

I respect how hard you work to recollect broken pieces and turn them into sea glass; a beautiful and gentle masterpiece  

So yes, sometimes I will dip my feet into your world; but your current is not strong enough to pull me in
Your foam is not white and bubbly enough to intrigue me
Nor your great animals that swim about and rely on you for life
I am me
And
You are you

Maybe crossing paths isn't the best option, but I'll wait and watch your waves crash from afar

Soulmate: the person you are destined to be with; the person that loves you no matter how hard they try not to; the one person that you cannot stop thinking about; The One
But how do you know when you meet them? is it when people say you're the cutest together; or is it when you cry the moment your mind goes wondering to the dark places and you lose them in those thoughts; is it when you plan out your whole life with them, only to be hit with reality

you never really know

It could be when you are five and have a crush, and then later meet them again when you're 20; it could be when you have been married for 30 years and still get butterflies as if it was the first date

you never really know

is it when they drive over to your house amidst a blizzard and brings you chocolate; when they stay up all night, just so if you happen to wake up they are there for you. Or is it when every little thing reminds them of you

you never really know

the tall blonde girl stands in front of the class room
her shoes pearly white with black leggings
her hair in a ponytail so she could whip her hair in your face as she passes by
she is the model and you are the before
you cried in the shower because you were never going to be that skinny
you would never be that tall
but now you are the model and someone else is the before

in a society where eating disorders are less of a concern and more of a trend
we dont compare grades anymore only cuts and scars on our wrists
everything is  political and you need to stay woke
in a society where my trauma is on display so people call it
woke