In the midst of oppression;
The buzzing of truth finds hard to flutter.
In a carousel of corpses;
Such is a truth to stay awake.
In the lines of fuzzy minds;
How uncanny it is to find a thought;
Of a head with a travel far from reality;
His pen the anchor to mundaneness.

Strum the song that nobody ever knows,
Strum the song nobody would ever know;
Sing of the words that words cannot understand,
Let those knocking whisper their voices.
Sulk upon the sounds of trembling thunders;
Let the rain deafen you whole.
Blind your eyes from the truth with distortion;
Your pain the anchor to reality.

Let the pendulum swing;
Let the smoke turn you vague;
Let the scorn that darkness brings;
Let the sedation leave you enraged.
Let the twisted remain as they are;
Perhaps they were twisted for a reason;
Turn numb with all unconnected words;
*Confusion the anchor to the earth.

Right about when you'd think it'll fade,
Underestimating the darkness you face,
Black will always be the new black!
Blacker and deeper than what is before!
Insolent boy, do you not know of yourself?
Stop telling yourself ****!
Hope won't make you stronger!

Ride your way to oblivion!
Ubiquity would be your word!
Blasting word after word,
Blasting statement after statement.
Is this what you say is truth?
Speak up now, then!
Hesitating now would only lead you to suffocation!

Realize the visions in your real eyes!
Undress the lies you wear!
Blot out what you want to scream!
Belittle the fears you possess!
Instigate the light to your plea!
Stand up and be your own guardian!
Hold on to your sword!

Read between my lines, for once.
Under these horrific words,
Blight truly manifests.
Blooming be what you see,
I beg to differ what is real.
Stars may glitter the skies,
Havoc can they cause when they fall.

Rotting is the thought that reeks,
Ugly scars protrude from the beauty,
Break the walls and you'll see,
Bring curiosity into reality.
Ill is my mind with  everything,
Still, yes, but with nothing,
Hellbent are my gestures.

Reap me,
Untangle me,
Blow away the bad gusts,
Build me up again.
Iterate your soothe,
Stay by my side.
*Heightened false hope, again.

The irony of the doubt
Of the one that came out of my mouth

Is that this head won't make flowers out of words
Or gardens out of stanzas;

That when these hands write or type
None would be so quite the hype,

That words would be just words:
They are, yes, but the irony is that it still hurts;

When I said I can't make more out of a word,
My head sabotaged me, albeit absurd:

I made flowers out of words
But, out of nowhere, it'd hurt me:

For the thorns of the rose I plucked,
From the garden I thrashed, crocked,

To the truth that the one I plucked the rose for
Would do none but to abhor;

Now I cry, knowing,
What the irony of the doubt would sing;

How I'm bound to fool myself with words,
And hurt by them, soon after;

How this heart would endlessly flutter
Over love that is destined to falter.

Must it be this painful?

Eluding salvation;

Looming over but never in reach,

Ordinal mess;

Distraught.

Red, painted red;

Amidst a room tinted pitch-black;

Must it be this unbearable?

A burning feeling in my chest,

Thrashing.

Incandescent rotting;

Cut and bleed;

Cease and desist.

Analytical confusion;

Torn to shreds with an order.

Hapless;

A fuzzy head thought full yet thoughtless,

Roaming an abyss so quiet

Stars can be heard gushing through the wind.

Inevitable pleading;

Salavation, eluding.

All it takes
Is a random conversation
To make me feel like
Anyone cares

All it takes
Is "hey";
To make me know
You still care

All it took
Was a single happening
That made me feel
Broken

All it took
Was someone so close
Doing something so bad
Making me so wasted

All it took
Were deafening fights
And whispering threats
To make me silent

All it took
Was a single "are you okay"
To make me budge
About the way you saw me

All it takes
Is a single conversation

All it takes
Is for you to see how deformed I am
For me to push you away
I'm sorry

All it takes
Is for me to cry help
For you to finally know
But never come

All it takes
Is sharing the truth
Then just leaving me
To make me feel forgotten

All it takes
Is a random happening
To make me want
Something I cannot control

All it takes
Is a few pills
To make you dizzy
Into the sleep you've waited for

All it takes
Is a few slits;
Pain to make you feel
Alive and dead at the same time

All it takes
Is a jump on the seawall
Or a glug of bleach
To end your suffering

All it takes
Is fear to know
And fear to live
To die.

Sunlight peers through the waning leaves;
The waters dance in the puddles from the passing rain;
Yet still humid,
Yet still serene.

Gazing through casual talk;
Lips wet with unspoken words;
With an uneasy heart,* left heavy-handed;

With all that's here to see,

*Silence never left.

Play it on repeat,
Sulk on my defeat;
The scars increased without me knowing;
Knowing the fallacies that had been pouring;
******* up my mind,
Reason for some reason I can't find.
It broke.

Dry and crackling fire within
Ready to start a blaze
Hungry to devour the world
To cause a smoking haze

A plume of black on the horizon
As the sun does set
The fire all-the-more visible
When with darkness it is met

Darkness rests not further
The fire indeed grows brighter
Yet also pale moonlight grows paler
Both strong yet not enough to conquer

In blackness dark still remains
Amidst the flames and moonlight, it retains
The sun might shine to bid away the darkness' feigns
Twilight may be gone but the emptiness remains

Is it that you forget me,
Or is it you try to ignore;
Is it that you think I'm already better,
Or is it that you think I am a lost cause?

I have been here countless times already,
Yet none still ease the pain;
Qualms of grief and guilt,
Screams of help but none so inviting;

I'm still in this mess,
I'm sorry for dragging you in;
But I have no one else to go to;
No one wants to stay.

I just hope I pass by your thoughts,
Reminisce the pain,
How we hurt together,
Unknowingly but with consent.

Then again I guess I hurt you more,
Maybe that's why you would not rather.
I guess it's my fault but I still need you;
Please don't forget to remember.

Sitting in front of a screen,
Empty rooms, empty voices
Writing again words like always
Hiding pain in the pixels.
My soul is with me,
Yet my soul is very distant;
Everyday faces, steady paces;
Inescapable vices, real faces
Yet, again, as empty as before.
The more I sink myself in,
The more I drown in my own sea.
I can't fathom being the backdrop to your main roles
So I try to pass the course to be just like you.
No matter how many scars I get from your stares,
No matter how many bruises I get from your words.
But it hurts!
I can't do it anymore!
But still what do I do everyday?
This!
The cuts grow deeper!
The bruises grow larger!
I should be used to it already,
But the more I stay the more I perish!
What choice do I have?
Being truthful would be a sin.
Call me an attention ***** all you like!
'Cause I wouldn't listen to your lies, anyway.
I want to smile real for once.
I want to see if there are some like me,
Even just one.
I want to shout at the top of my lungs,
Even if you cage my voice.
I really want to reach out and grab your hands,
*But, there's nothing to hold on in the first place.

The release of energy

Such as I cathartically spewed out mine;

You shiver.

Do I bother you that much?

Yet;

Even if you are bothered,

I'll still feel the same way;

It doesn't define how I really am;

If you could see how I'm capable

Of making you feel the same way;

As I cathartically spew out my energy;

Hold my hand.

*Maybe then you'd see why.

I'm tired of being passive,
I'm tired of being silent.
I tried,
Being someone I'm not;
I tried,
Being who I was,
Before everything shifted;
I found myself lost.

Ache in incomprehensible pain
Bask under the faint light of hope;
Your end seems to be nearing;
Seems that it's darkening;
Seems that you're already falling.

The Silence speaks many words.
The Silence speaks many thoughts.
Not all rambles are made with mouths,
Not all cries are made with tears;
As not all pain are cauterized wounds.
Silence bears the ghost you try so hard to forget.
Silence holds forsaken memories.
Silence creeps upon and haunts us;
The Silence knows no exceptions.

It seems that my heart is made to be tortured;
It always fell into people who don't understand.
It seems my joy is in not knowing,
Because pain is the only thing I get.
I'm ashamed of my words.
I'm ashamed of myself.
I'm ashamed of my thoughts.
I'm ashamed of my heart.
I never get to say what I want to say,
I never get to say a truth,
Because once I do, all will change;
I'll lose the ones I love;
Though they don't love me that much.
It's hard to be different,
Knowing that all you hold on to will let you go,
Knowing that you're not yourself anymore.
I can't stretch enough what I want to shout.
Instead I write words that don't make sense.
At least in nonsense, I find myself.
I want to leave it all behind.
I want to find the things that make me smile again.
I want to find true people.
I want to find, me.

**But that'll never happen.

I'm afraid to lure to you to me,
I know they won't like it.
I'm scared for you to know me,
I feel like I'm a ball you'll hit.
Foreign people, foreign disputes,
Pacing unrealistic promises.
Trying to make up absolutes,
Even though I'm the only one making crash courses.
Tying to talk to us again,
Attempting to rhyme;
Like sewing tattered linen;
Quite easy, but not easy on time.
I left just for me to return,
I typed just for you to know;
I'd never stop, I'd never learn;
Like a madman resurrecting someone from a barrow.

I wish I could've put
A capo on 4
So that we can sing the tune
That felt so real before;

Or maybe it should've been
The capo on 7;
The pitch when we fought
And decided to call it even.

An unlikely key,
A capo on 3,
Can't decide if I should be relieved
Or hurt when you left me.

I wish I should've gone
Like the capo on 1,
An unfulfilling venture;
A bitter Love's run.

You're better than you think you are.

Everyone is.

But I believe you don't believe me.

Yet you should.

Because I see.

How you put aside yourself for those who can't help themselves;

How you manage to put a smile even if what you feel is not worth smiling;

I see.

How you hide the pain from everyone.

Yet, I see.

It is unbearable but you shrug it instantaneously.

We can't have all the luxuries;

Trying our best to find their worth;

Lest we bother those around us.


It's okay.

When you feel lost in the book of life,

*Kindness is your index

Retiring from reality, I am once more,
To close my doors and open what's another;
Fall into a very deep slumber,
Fall into a world where mine's all power.
You seem of a distant dream,
I think that's why I can't get you off my head.
Now, I play my tuneless hymn,
Now, I become what is already dead.
You are my rise, you are my fall.
You make me feel good then toss me on the floor.
Though I know you reached your toll,
I still hold you amidst reality's terror.
I know we can never be counted as one,
I know we can never be real,
So here I am, screaming with words,
Trying to tell you what I feel.
Although none I say seem relevant to you,
Losing this game seems more relevant, too,
Jactitating for nothing sounds fair to be true,
Obfuscating the fact that love is my waterloo,
None I say, is relevant, still,
But I know, my love is real;
Farewell, my love, though it's just a deal,
I hope I see you in my dream's reel.
See you in my dreams.

You ****** my strings,
And begin my dance;
Emotion remaining unchanged.
Yet, I must digress,
What you see painted in my face
Is nothing than mere nonsense.

The puppeteer is anonymous,
Better to hide his horrid acts;
Better to hide his malevolence,
Better to hide hide his ******* of a creation!
O, only if the puppeteer knew,
That the porcelain he plays has soul, as well.

I cannot stand with my own feet,
What articulation is worth,
When you haven't a will,
What the puppeteer gestures,
I have no choice but to abide.
Perhaps, I was not meant to have a voice.

I am caged in this horrid circus!
I tire to pirouette for ghosts!
I tire to plea with silence!
Can I not be what I can be?
Lock me up in your satchel again,
Be deaf to torture once more.

All my words are for naught;
All my emotions, for nothing;
I cannot cut thy strings;
I see another day cease,
I clasp the midnight sky goodbye,
As I am returned to my coop.

What is, truth?
Why are people obsessed to find its meaning?
For all I know, truth is a box;
Mysterious, tempting, yet rare.
Truth is what's real.
Then if it is so, claiming to be "real",
How come mine always become inconceivable?
Some I know would say I'm not me,
That I've changed, if not everything, almost all.
Believe me, step back and I'll tell you:
You never lost me.
I am deprived of this, "truth".
I am unable to voice out my pleas.
I am not privileged by my kin, the people, those surrounding me.
I am plastered to a wall that is constantly vandalized by their thoughts, their "truth":
"He's fat, he's horrible, he's helpless, he's different, I can't bare to understand him."
They say that they're my friends, that they have my back.
How would I bare to believe that if all that they see is my insecurities?
I just can't see why I am like that:
"He's intelligent, he's dependable, he can help".
I guess that there is to me.
I guess it's because I always have a smile on my face.
I guess it's because I always crack a joke.
I guess it's because, I can't cry anymore.
Unless, if they would know my truth, my secrets.
I just can't scream hard enough to say help,
I just can't see the sunshine I am supposed to see;
Everything I see is a tint of black.
I just can't say what there is to say,
That yes, I was ***** by my father when I was 8,
That yes, I am molested by my cousin, up until now,
That yes, I am ****** when they think I am not offended,
That yes, I am not as happy, as you think I am.
I can't face it all.
I can't face the hard-hitting question that they'd all ask;
"Why did you not fight back?"
To this day, I do,
Now that I have myself in my absolute lows.
Now, that I try my best to pick and hold myself together.
The only voice, the only truth, I can have, are these words I write,
Far from them, far from reality.
Until the day I collapse and feel nothing, I would be the bird in the cage, bound.

Drip, drip, dripping.

Such that of a broken faucet.

Twisted in all directions,

Hoping that the flow would stop.

Yet;

It lessens, but never ceases.

Time shall come,

When the faucet reaches its breaking point,

It'll all pour out.

Flooding;

Drowning;

*Drip, drip, dripping.

Don't fret if heaven has her now.
Don't be saddened that she isn't around anymore.
Instead, be happy she's in a better place;
Won't she like seeing you sad?

It's true that life may be a cruel thief,
Stealing everything and everyone we love,
But none in this is world is ever so perfect;
We all will feel that way one day.

They'd say Hell's empty,
Since all of the demons are roaming around.
It's true, indeed;
Yet for a reason, it is so.

Never be rash to those with blackened hearts,
Never be rash to life that caused you to suffer,
Never be rash to doubt the faith you hold on to;
Everything happens for a reason.

Think of it this way:
She has fulfilled her duties,
She has fought valiantly for every second of her time;
She, has been a warrior.

Chastise me for not feeling this way before,
I simply speak what my mind and heart shouts.
I may be from the other side of the world;
**But I'm still just a person comforting another.

A secret I'll confess,
Disgusting as it is strange;
Making me feel less,
Begging for immediate change.
Cut 1; the beginning of a tragedy.
Cut 2; pity for me, begging for you.
Cut 3; the words that echo horribly.
Cut 4; losing hope to live for.
Cut 8; the age that daddy chose to touch me.
Cut 12; when Cousin made me play a little game.
Cut 15; the hellish years I've lived, enduring.
Cut 28; filled with sorrow and hate;
Cut 37; out of vain, illustrated heaven.
Cut 50; the cutting and the bleeding get blurry.
Cut 68; I question my fate.
Cut 77; the innocence you seem to deafen.
Cut 82; I know it's more than blue.
Cut 95; seems pointless to strive.
Cut 100; I live on, but I know I'm already dead.
Wanted you to help me, but never could.
Wanted you to save me, but never would.
Madness I tried to stop and still is struggling:
Now everything that makes me happy seem more depressing.

In the rhythm of your words,
I would be a white noise.
I would always be there,
Yet you'll never notice me.
I try to make the spotlight mine,
For once,
Yet I end up giving it to you,
Out of admiration,
Out of pity.
I blot words that sound bratty,
Words that don't deserve your attention.
Yet if you could read this,
I'd thank you for your time.
No matter what I do,
I'll always be the white noise.
I've never been the main attraction.
At least, if it wasn't for a horrid cause.

I'm left alone but it's okay

At least you kept me company

Even if you're not here;

Words few and random,

Yet words meaningful to me.

Words cut short;

Not more than beautiful lies.

Even you have to go,

Yet again I'm left alone.

Listening to laughter I wish I had as well,

Joy that I wish I grabbed when I had the chance;

If I had taken a whole different path;

A haunting thought.

Frightening, yes, but also comfortable;

Thinking I should be happy after all that happened,

Yet I'm not.

*Peculiar.

I don't know why I've been chasing your shadows;
I don't know why I always liked to see you smile,
I don't know why I'm affected when you're sad;
I don't know why I still have my ties knotted with you.
It's clear to me that Us will never be,
It's almost common sense that we won't;
But still, there's that hope that you'll see me through,
Still, there's that chance that you'll understand me.
Even though I know that that chance is too far to reach,
So like the stars that shine above us, I'll be fine in seeing you from afar,
*Until I can't see your shimmer anymore.

Lost in oceans of regrets and despair;
In short, careful breaths, I fear;
Good does nothing if you're drowning;
Hell felt colder than ever before,
Taking me down to the deep abyss;
High above the cliffside, I see you there,
Out in the cold waters, you can't see me here;
Under your luminance, you can't see me dying,
So near to Oblivion, so far from the shore;
Ending my suffering, succumbing to the abyss.

I always say, I feel nothing.
I always say, I'm not empathic.
I try to hide the reality,
That my heart is broken, severely.
I can see the morning sun,
Yet I cannot feel the light.
I sit in an empty room,
Yet I feel welcomed;
Welcomed by those not welcomed by others,
Welcomed by those who haunt my evening slumbers,
Welcomed, by those monstrosities in my head.
They speak in my tongue,
They move in my paces,
They think of my thoughts,
They are in my shoes.
They are my comfort,
They are my fears,
That one day, they'd make waterfall out of my tears.
I am damaged by words,
I am bruised by anticipation,
That the worst is always to happen,
As it was—no, in, my life.
They hold the strings to my body,
They fit my broken pieces to shape.
They stretch my mouth to form a smile,
They deafen my ears to the sound of joy,
They make me caged, wherever I go,
They follow my every stroll.
My demons are not my enemies,
Nor are they my saviors.
It is those around me, that feed them anger,
That my heart is painted black and horrid,
That my eyes are clouded in fogs of sadness.
Censures around me speak all of: "Cheer up!"
They could not understand!
How would they know what I feel?!
Know of the pain I suffer everyday;
Know of the wounds that bleed in my thoughts;
Know of the knives that stab me in my wake,
Knives that cut deeper than my body, my soul;
Know of the love I would never feel;
Know of the scars that will never heal;
Know of the eyes too exhausted to cry;
Know of the will to weak to even try;
Try to fight for justice he sought?
I know, I'm an attention *****.
I know, I say, what you say is *******.
I can't think of anything else that I can do,
Nor think of the hands I can reach out to.
I write in rambles, I speak in some, too.
None can really see, my faith is few.
I can never go back to what once I was,
**You trashed it long ago.

It kills me;
A random thought,
Of madness,
Of sadness,
Of guilt.
Nothing more than a coward,
Afraid of facing demons;
Became one.
Indifferent towards himself,
Sympathetic towards others.

It kills me;
What hope I say,
Is hope I cannot hold on to.
I drag you down, unknowingly;
I tear you apart.
Just like what I do to them.
I'm sorry.

It kills me;
That we see each other without saying a word,
A broken record in repeat.
Getting close but I guess never close enough.
A movie nearing ******,
Yet never there.

It kills me;
How I can't say a word,
When it's all about to explode.

I'm sorry;
I doubt you would even feel the same;
If I told you,
Would you still see me the same?
It kills me.

Sometimes all good become all sorrow.
Sometimes the hope is made to feel like no tomorrow;
Yet those who stand on broken vows
*Seem to become their better selves.

Oblivion awaits
Sadness obligates
"O, ****** soul, be vanquished!"
The Lacrimosa dictates.

No bouquet ever darker,
No flower ever, grieving;
"Not beauty" it begs to differ;
The Lacrimosa wanes.

He stands in the fields
He plucks the dying,
The clouds darken
His already pitch-black eyes.

"Lacrimosa," he asks:
"Why so weak?"
"I am but saddened," says he.
To see Lacrimosa, bowing on nothing.

"Leave me be!" Lacrimosa exclaims.
As she lies on the meadows.
"What fate dictates, what fate begets."
As the hopeless Lacrimosa whimpers softly.

"Then, to leave, I shall."
"Then, to sleep, you will."
"O Lacrimosa, I am saddened,"
To see Lacrimosa gone.

Forsaking forgets
Regretting begets
"Not beauty, but harsh truth."
Lacrimosa says her last words.

I wish I'd just fly away,

Lead astray by the skies;

Soaring higher and higher until I just explode.

I wish I'd get tied to make me grounded:

Soft enough to sway,

But strong enough to stay;

Moving to the whims of the breeze until I just explode.

But instead I'm just filled with emptiness.

Unable to speak my censures.

But I float.

Drown me, but I'll float;

And float—

And float,

Until I get swept away.

I wish I'd just explode.